


hiraeth (english ver.)

by snowmotion



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Blow Jobs, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Family, Friendship, Frottage, Grinding, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Medical School, Mystery, Obsession, Pool Sex, Poverty, References to Illness, Slow Burn, Smut, Students, Thriller, a lotta cuddling, a whole lot of interruptions, and a lot more angst, but he'll get better i promise, how do I even, junhoe's a bit of a dick, listen I tried, some side junhwan that probably won't get anywhere, there's shady stuff happening, they're horny af, very cringey smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:20:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 79,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27399403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowmotion/pseuds/snowmotion
Summary: Jiwon and Hanbin have nothing in common.They live two radically opposed existences, in two completely different worlds : Jiwon is a rich kid who has no need to envy anyone. Hanbin pulls through every day wondering how he'll survive the next.They are like two parallel lines, never meant to cross.And yet there is something that unites them. Maybe it's this strange curiosity that they have for the other. Or this ability that they have to understand each other without even trying, as if they were bound by fate ever since their very first breath.They aren't the type to believe in these stories. But maybe they really are... fated.©snowmotion. 2020
Relationships: Kim Hanbin | B.I/Kim Jiwon | Bobby
Comments: 55
Kudos: 115





	1. jiwon ─ You and I, we are like reflections of each other

**Author's Note:**

> this was translated. there might be grammatical errors, typos, repetitions and my use of vocabulary might be pretty weird sometimes. english is not my first language so please bear with me ! and if you notice any weird phrasing, feel free to correct me C:

When Jiwon woke up that morning, along with the rising sun, everything was calm and peaceful around him. With a smile he hugged Jiyeon's tiny body between his arms ; she had joined him during the night again. He narrowed his eyes and stretched his limbs, tangled in his silky sheets, one of his hands clutching the wooden shelf above his new bed’s frame.

Eyes fixated on the ceiling, it took him a while to figure out where he was. Since moving into a loft apartment in town, he had had difficulty getting used to his new space. He still remembered the layout of his old room, and every morning he had to make an effort to remember where he was exactly.

He pulled away from his little sister, sitting down on the edge of the mattress, still lethargic. His exhausted eyes laid on his messy desk. He had left all his notes there, piles of papers stacked on top of each other in a mess, and his computer was still on. On the smooth surface of the desk, one of his game consoles’ controllers was just about to fall.

Yawning, he stood up, kicked off the clothes that covered the white floor at his feet, and dragged himself to the bathroom. Slowly he undressed and entered the spacious shower stall. He spent several minutes under the hot stream of water, eyelids closed, almost about to fall asleep again. Mornings were always complicated. Especially when he had spent most of the night playing video games on his computer.

He came out of the shower, hair wet and tousled, dripping heavy drops. He grabbed a towel and rubbed his head in front of the mirror, still in the dark, trying to remember the content of the lesson he had quickly reread yesterday.

He gave up after a few minutes, and opened his eyes again. On the small clock above his laundry basket, hanging on the immaculate wall, time passed at a disconcerting speed. Jiwon clung his fingers to the porcelain sink, hardly surprised. He was going to be late ... yet again.

When he stuck his head through the neck of his sweatshirt and exited the bathroom, Jiyeon had woken up. Sitting between the sheets, she rubbed her tiny face. With a caring smile he walked over to her, sat down next to her, and put one of his rather rough hands on her back.

“ _You can go back to bed, it's Wednesday.”_

Jiyeon nodded silently, a tired pout on her childish features. As soon as she realized she didn't have to go to school, she collapsed back into the bed and closed her eyes. Jiwon pulled the blanket back over her small body and grabbed his bag. When he left the room, he forgot half of his textbooks.

From the upper floor, hands on the railing, he saw his mother. Standing in front of the large window which opened the living room completely to the outside, she was looking at the cars which circulated at the bottom of their glass building. As she took a sip of her steaming tea, she noticed him. Jiwon came down the stairs, in no rush. His mom’s reproaching look made him accelerate the pace.

“ _Jiwon...”,_ she sighed, and he shrugged innocently. “ _At least take some time to eat_ ”, she added, resigned.

Jiwon laughed as he obeyed. He grabbed an orange from the fruit basket on the massive wood table, and stuffed it in his pocket. Then he went around the long gray sofa, placed a kiss on his mother's cheek, and immediately left to the main hall.

He left the building, shoes quickly put on his feet. Junhoe was waiting for him downstairs. As soon as he saw him, he rolled his eyes. Jiwon ran up to him and flung one arm over his shoulders. His victim frowned.

“ _We’re going to look like morons again because of you”_ , complained his best friend, abruptly pulling away from him.

Jiwon laughed, loudly, loud enough to make several passers-by turn around. After a few minutes of walking in the direction of the university, Junhoe, worried about being too late, started to run. He had no choice but to follow him, and rushed after him just so he wouldn’t lose sight of him.

Jiwon was laughing at the top of his lungs and growing out of breath even faster. His black hair was starting to stick to his forehead, his legs ached, and the orange in his sweatshirt’s pocket was going through a real roller coaster, but he continued to laugh and to follow his best friend who ran away from him like he had the plague.

They pushed open the door of the amphitheater classroom, breathless and sweaty. Immediately a multitude of heads rose towards them. Students, sitting in the dark, pencil in hand, stopped taking notes for a second to look at them, right before immediately diving back into their pages. The professor, interrupted for a moment, ignored them royally and resumed his explanations.

Junhoe, hiding behind his hand, abandoned him on the doorstep. They were late, even after all that running. Holding back his laughter, Jiwon made his way through the ranks, and finally found a place, squeezed in between two other students.

In a symphony of rustling, clicking, and screeching, he unpacked his things, disturbing everyone who was trying to listen. His voice hoarse, he apologized with every noise he made, only making more. Soon a hand slapped the area between his shoulder blades, stopping him in his track.

" _Shut the hell up_ ", Donghyuk whisper-screamed, sat in the row behind him.

Jiwon nodded silently, cheeks contorted because he was refraining from smiling. After a few more seconds, only the monotonous words of their anatomy teacher could be heard. Donghyuk's threatening gaze was enough to silence him completely.

He had taken out all his things - a paper and a pen, but didn't even bother to write a single word. Without waiting any longer he raised his head to scan the room. And immediately he found him.

He was sitting in the front row, as usual. His back was bent, and he was leaning over the narrow tablet, where several books were stacked, all thicker than the other. In the tiny space he had left, he had put his notebook down, and he seemed to be in a really uncomfortable position. His head kept moving back and forth between the screen and his notebook, in which he was furiously writing down everything his eyes were seeing on the slides. The sudden movements of his neck made his brown hair twirl, and a few wild strands had stood on the top of his head. His black shirt, a little too big, revealed his upper back, and the protruding bone at the bottom of his neck.

In this packed amphitheater, Jiwon only saw him. He couldn't remember why it had all started, or when it had all changed. But now his days were kept busy just watching him. And that was enough for him. Or not.

Suddenly the lights came back on. Jiwon only woke up from of his deep thoughts when he saw the subject of all his attention rise from his chair, while filling his old bag with his too many books. Enough to break his back.

He stood up abruptly as well, grabbed his still white sheet and his pen, stuffed them in his bag and left the row at the same time as him. With a sudden impulse he took a step in his direction, but then Junhoe's strong grip on his arm stopped him.

“ _What are you doing? Come on, let's go eat.”_

Jiwon, responding to the call, turned his head over to Junhoe for a few seconds. When he snapped out of it, he was no longer there. He had once again lost sight of Kim Hanbin.

He cast Junhoe an accusing look, and the boy didn't seem to understand why. He slowly regained his composure, the adrenaline and everything he had felt at the time going down. Even if his friend hadn't stopped him then, he knew full well that he wouldn't have managed to articulate a single word in front of Hanbin. He might have even stopped before reaching him, before he turned in his direction. Perhaps Junhoe had just saved his dignity.

He sighed, head low. He had never been the type to be intimidated by others. He was always the main topic of conversation. Everyone easily came to him, to talk to him, and in this amphitheater which was gradually growing empty of its students, there were very few people he had never spoken to before.

Jiwon was that kind of guy. This guy everyone loved and hated at the same time. Because he was perfect, he had everything, and he knew it very well, without really bragging about it. And he could have given attention to any of those girls or boys who wanted him. But the only person that he was interested in, was Hanbin. Hanbin, his school’s valedictorian, who spoke to almost no one.

At this point it was more than just mere interest, it was obsession.

Whenever they were in the same room, his eyes followed him. Hanbin was a quiet guy. He went around silently and didn't have many friends. He didn't make a sound - at least not as much as he did, and he didn't do anything out of the ordinary. He didn't smoke, didn't show up to parties. His clothes fit him well but were nothing fancy, and while he was naturally a physically attractive person, he didn't seem to pay much attention to his appearance. He spent all his time nose buried in his books, studying for the next exam, making sure his grades didn't drop even by the slightest point.

Jiwon bit into his sandwich, sitting in the grass. He and Junhoe had started eating while they waited for their other friends, sitting in the square a few yards away from their college. He hadn't uttered a single word since they'd left, deep in thought. His friend was giving him side glances, but he couldn’t have cared less.

He saw Hanbin walking down the street on the opposite sidewalk, and mesmerized, he suddenly let go of his sandwich. Junhoe let out a deafening shout, catching the piece of bread right before it crashed into the dirt, and when his powerful voice echoed between the buildings, all the other students turned towards them.

All of them, including Hanbin.

He had stopped, his worn-out pair of headphones tucked into his ears, and Jiwon wanted to know what he was listening to. But he forgot even his own existence when Hanbin's surprised pupils went from Junhoe, the source of the noise, to him.

They stared at each other for a second. A tiny second, before Hanbin lost interest and continued on his way. Jiwon knew he was heading home and that he wouldn't see him again all day. The youngest did not have class in the afternoon. He could tell because he knew his schedule by heart, much better than his own.

“ _You_ _freaked_ _me out_ ,” Junhoe spat, annoyed.

His friend threw his sandwich onto his lap and wiped the mayonnaise covering his fingers.

“ _What the fuck is wrong with you nowadays ? You're acting super weird.”_

Jiwon wanted to tell him that he didn't know what was wrong with him either, but he was interrupted by Donghyuk's shrill voice. He called out to them and waved his arms at the entrance of the square. The boy, followed by Jinhwan, joined them seconds later.

As soon as their upper classman sat down next to them, Junhoe's irritable demeanor vanished completely. Jiwon watched as his best friend turned into a soft baby in front of Jinhwan, who smiled sweetly at him. And he would have laughed at him, if he hadn't been certain that the slightest negative remark would enrage him and get him the worst aftermath.

They all started eating again. Junhoe continued to act like a lamb, even though he was the most dangerous of wolves. Jinhwan, well aware of his unusual kindness, laughed at all his really bad jokes and generously gave him the attention he needed. Meanwhile, Donghyuk, blonde hair neatly combed across his forehead, was quietly unwrapping his salad. Jiwon watched as he shoved a leaf, dripping with vinegar, into his mouth, and released his wooden fork into his plastic dish.

“ _Did you hear ?”_ he asked, mouth full. “ _We should have the group breakdowns this afternoon. For the internship.”_

Jiwon stopped chewing. With everything that was on his mind - or rather, the only thing that was on his mind, he had almost forgotten the existence of that damn internship. Their university did nothing like the others, obviously. They were only in their second year of studying medicine, and barely out of the first year's horrendous struggle. But as their college was one of the best in Seoul, it had many partnerships with surrounding university hospitals... and they were forced to spend a few so-called “integration” weeks in one of these establishments.

Jiwon was a little worried, but mostly upset. He had grown used to his slow-paced life : coming home early, and studying the bare minimum, just enough to pass the exams. And he knew very well that his little routine was going to get messed up in this new situation.

“ _We're split into four groups, apparently_ ,” Donghyuk continued. “ _That makes about thirty students per hospital ? That’s gonna be funny.”_

Jinhwan nodded, swallowing his last bite. Older than them, he had already completed the internship the year before.

“ _It's sorted alphabetically... with your first names, not your last name_ s,” he clarified.

Junhoe, absent-mindedly looking at the older’s lips, took quite a while to understand what he had just said. Jiwon immediately caught on. Abruptly he swung an arm over his best friend's shoulders, and with his free hand he ruffled his hair.

“ _That means you and I are once again stuck together, June !”_ he exclaimed.

He heard the younger one complain, feign annoyance, but Jiwon knew he was just as relieved as he was. When he let go, he looked like he had been through the dryer. He thought he was going to get hit, but Jinhwan's laugh caught his friend's attention, and he got away with it easier than he would have thought.

Donghyuk, a little disappointed, understood without much difficulty that he was - once again – going to be alone. Jiwon gently rubbed his back, promising him that he would stop by to admire him in his white coat.

It only took a few more minutes for Jiwon to figure out something else.

“ _H and J, it's not far in the alphabet.”_

Hearing him mumble, his friends turned in his direction. Junhoe confirmed, confused. Jiwon tried hard not to smile. He hid behind his hands, and in his mind he celebrated the glory of the alphabet. Thanks to that, he would most certainly be in the same group as Hanbin.

Silently he thanked his mother for calling him Jiwon, and not Yunhyeong.

The aforementioned came to fetch Jinhwan approximatively ten minutes later. They both left for their next class. As soon as the older man left his sight, Junhoe regained his natural smirk and irritability.

“ _Who’s H ?”_

Donghyuk, still focused on the group distribution, looked genuinely puzzled. Jiwon shrugged to dodge the question. He didn't insist.

After eating, they left the square and returned to the school premises. In the entrance, four sheets were taped on one of the many glass panels facing the inner courtyard. Jiwon approached with his friends. Pushing a little through the crowd, he reached the front of the group without much difficulty. The first thing he checked was the presence of his first name, then Hanbin’s, which was written only a few lines above his. His jaw tightened as he held back a smile. Junhoe was on it too, unsurprisingly. Then finally, he checked the hospital they had been assigned to, and his smile faded momentarily.

In the afternoon, Jiwon attended a reinforcement math class on his own, that was supposed to help him do his math in courses that included physics and chemistry. There were only a handful of students, most of the class not having found a point in enrolling. He had preferred to spend a few more hours at the university, if that could exempt him from studying math at home. And Hanbin's absence allowed him to actually concentrate on what the teacher was saying this time.

When class ended, he left the room quickly. He went back home on foot, leisurely. His mother and Jiyeon were surely at the apartment. By this time, his little sister would most certainly be having a snack.

He walked through the front door and casually kicked off his shoes, not bothering to then put them away. He shuffled inside, threw his bag on the sofa, and his mother's warm smile greeted him from the kitchen.

“ _Jiwon ! Come have a bite to eat.”_

Jiwon nodded silently. On the way, he discreetly placed the orange he had not eaten back in the basket, on their huge table. Then he sat down next to Jiyeon on a high chair on the kitchen counter. His mother pushed a glass of juice and a packet of cookies towards him.

“ _Rough day ?”_

He shrugged his shoulders. His day hadn't been particularly difficult.

Jiyeon, her face smeared with more chocolate than the toasted bread she was holding in her small hand, tried to show him the hole she had in place of one of her teeth, which she had lost in the morning. Jiwon grabbed a towel to clean her cheeks, listening to her ramble about everything she had done that day, and all the things that came out of her mouth sounded funny and interesting.

He spent several hours with his family, without going up to his room. It was just the three of them, since his mother had divorced his father, and after all the troubles they had gone through, they greatly cherished the time they could spend together peacefully.

His mother, although often busy, always made time to take care of them. Jiwon had never felt neglected, and he was sure Jiyeon was perfectly fine as well, at least in her young child's mind.

“ _Oh, by the way._ ”

They were sitting on the sofa in front of one of Jiyeon's favorite cartoons. Secretly, Jiwon found the plot interesting, too, though he would never admit it. She was so obsessed with the characters on the screen that the conversation between her brother and their mother did not bother her in her observation.

“ _Hmm?”_

Jiwon saw his mom turn in his direction, ready to listen.

“ _At the beginning of the semester, I told you about an internship in a university hospital. Remember?”_

She nodded, pressed her elbow on the sofa, and rested her chin in her palm. Then she tucked a strand of her short jet black hair behind her ear, and she stop moving, waiting for the rest to come.

“ _We got the group distribution. Junhoe and I are assigned to the hospital I was born in_ ,” he announced.

He saw her eyebrows rise up, a smile appearing on her lips. Seeing the name of the hospital, Jiwon had immediately known she was going to love it. She was the type of person that completely trusted fate, and refused to believe in coincidences. For her, everything happened for a specific reason, for a specific purpose, and these news only seemed to push her further towards that idea.

“ _I just thought it was funny_ ,” he added.

His mother laughed a little, obviously agreeing. It was still quite the coincidence. Or, a twist of fate, maybe ?

Jiwon ended up leaving the living room, and went up to his room after gently kissing the top of Jiyeon's hair. He had notes to read, and group work to complete. Heavily he collapsed into his desk chair, and his head tilted back.

The internships started the upcoming Monday, and that left him very little time to prepare psychologically. Even in a smaller group, there wasn't much of a chance he would have to deal with Hanbin, but the mere possibility that they would have to cross paths made him nervous. He wasn't sure he would be able to articulate anything when the time came. Just thinking about it, he was already starting to sweat.

The rest of the week passed very quickly, much to Jiwon's dismay. His stomach started to ache on Saturday evening. He spent a very long night, eyes open in the dark, unable to sleep. Eventually, he ended up getting up and turning on his computer, to focus his mind with something else. The sun rose in the morning, and he hadn't taken his eyes away from his screen once, which was showing an episode of an old american comedy series.

He spent Sunday playing with Jiyeon, making up all kinds of stories, escaping the reality that was making him nauseous. His little sister was a relatively effective distraction. In her bedroom, painted in baby blue, toys were strewn on the floor, even stuck under her bed, behind her furniture. In fact, most of the day was spent tidying the mess, more than anything else.

He awoke with a start on Monday morning. The anxiety of being late had made him open his eyes an hour before his alarm clock went off. Somehow he was relieved. It was always better than waking up an hour late.

He did not laze around in bed, and got up immediately. He was too scared he would go back to sleep. That day he took more care than usual to look presentable. Surely because the very idea of a hospital made him want to look serious. One glance outside was enough for him to know he was going to be freezing. The fog was so thick he couldn't even see the building opposite. He pulled out a black turtleneck and a striped shirt from his closet that he hadn't put on in ages.

He was now sitting on his bed. The sun still hadn't risen, but he was ready, his bag was done, his lab coat was neatly folded, and he was waiting. He waited ten minutes before losing patience. After texting Junhoe that he would be going to the hospital without him, he put his phone back in his pocket and left his room.

Gently he woke up his mother, to tell her he was leaving. Still under the duvet, she replied with a groan. With a smile and a few kind words, Jiwon told her to go back to sleep and closed the door behind him.

The ambient cold outside constricted all his muscles. Gripping the strap of his backpack, he snuggled into his fluffy scarf, and slowly made his way to the hospital. The road was not unknown to him. He knew Seoul well, felt at home there, and he knew exactly where to go.

Soon the hospital rose up in front of him, with its modern and imposing facade, all made of glass and steel. Seeing that the square leading to the entrance hall was totally empty, Jiwon realized that he had arrived far too early. A single glance at his watch confirmed it.

He cast a lost look around him. There was not a single student in sight. Even the road alongside the building was almost devoid of car traffic. He went down the steps leading to the square, and sat down on the last one. His butt cheeks froze when they came in contact with the icy stone, surprising him a little.

His eyes locked on a fuzzy figure in the distance, hidden in the morning fog. And maybe because of his unhealthy obsession with him, Jiwon recognized Hanbin immediately, even before he saw his face. He recognized the way he walked, the way his body swayed gently, delicately, almost silently.

Hanbin did just like him. He walked down the steps opposite his and took a seat. Jiwon was at the other end of the square, there was only a few meters between them, but he felt like he was sitting right in front of him.

He quickly noticed how few clothes the younger was wearing. Even though he tried to contain his tremors, they did not escape his expert eye. And he himself found his keen sense of observation a little creepy.

A few more seconds, and Hanbin looked up at him. Jiwon froze. It took him a while to look away and pretend nothing had happened. But his fellow student was not fooled, and he had spotted him. Maybe he even realized what kind of creep he was. For the first time since he had started obsessing over him, Jiwon felt _observed_. The roles had been reversed. And that made him very uncomfortable.

Normally, he would have stared at Hanbin for the next thirty minutes or so. But he was too afraid to meet his gaze, if he looked up. The feeling of being watched did not leave him, and he was certain, absolutely certain that the younger one was still staring at him.

Gradually other students invaded the square. Neither of them dared approach Jiwon, sitting alone on the stairs, although they really wanted to. All he wanted was for Junhoe to arrive and get him out of this awkward situation.

Obviously, he ended up giving in. Certainly because he had believed that, with the crowd of students who had gathered, the other would have distracted himself from him, and taken his eyes off him. And god, he was very wrong. Because when he raised his dark orbs towards him, Hanbin was _still_ staring at him.

Jiwon closed his eyelids completely this time. He wanted to dig a hole in the ground, and bury himself six feet underground. He wanted to stay hidden in his cave until Hanbin had forgotten even the fact that he existed, until the humiliation of getting caught red-handed ceased to torment him.

He heard a pair of shoes stop in front of him, quietly. And he knew very well that this was not his best friend. Junhoe would have jumped on him, pulled his hair out for literally abandoning him that morning. He would have made him pay by reminding him of all the times he had waited for him, whether it was raining or snowing.

Jiwon opened one eye, then the other. He lifted his head to face him, his throat tight.

Hanbin was there, standing right in front of him, gazing down at him. He looked half asleep, his eyelids barely open, his face relaxed. His silky hair fell nicely over his eyes, softening the already delicate curves of his face. He was as white as a sheet, and the skin of his neck, exposed to the cold, was pricked with a multitude of small red dots. He seemed to feel insanely cold.

Jiwon had a horrible urge to run away.

“ _Stop staring at me.”_

The chestnut, his voice a little lethargic, struggled to pierce the hubbub created by the other students who were waiting with them. But he had no trouble hearing it. Or maybe he had read it on his lips.

“ _You're distracting me.”_

He swallowed. Hanbin was waiting for an answer. So he nodded sharply, without being able to say anything. The younger one, his face stolid, placid, added nothing and left as quickly as he had come.

It was the first time he had spoken to him. The first time he heard the sound of his voice, this close. The other times he had heard him speak were only from afar, and so faintly that he had failed to understand the topic of the conversation. However, this time the words had been directed at him, at his attention, and at no one else.

And even if he had just been kindly rejected, Jiwon wanted to smile, a lot. He watched him sit down quietly without being able to tear his eyes away from him. He had nodded when Hanbin had asked him to stop, but he still continued to watch him without realizing it.

It was for sure. He would never be able to stop obsessing over him.


	2. hanbin ─ Before I knew it, I was always looking your way

Hanbin went back to sit down without adding anything. And even though he had specifically asked Jiwon to stop staring at him, he could still feel his gaze on his back.

He rested his butt on the floor and sighed. Jiwon was a distraction, a nuisance. He couldn’t remember when he had started to be aware of his gaze on him. But ever since that day everything had changed. It had become difficult to focus in class, to walk, to breathe. And although these things had never been easy in the first place, the interest Jiwon showed for his person only made it all the more unbearable. He was suffocating, and Jiwon was the one suffocating him.

He wrapped his arms around his upper body, over the thin jacket he was wearing. He was insanely cold, but he didn't even dare to tremble. Because he knew Jiwon would notice the slightest of his shivers.

He couldn't help but frown. This situation was absolutely absurd.

When the other students started to rush towards the entrance, Hanbin snapped out of his thoughts. They waited only a few more minutes, until they all pushed inside. The comforting warmth of an enclosed space greeted them once again. He let out a feverish breath, rubbing his sore, red fingers.

Standing in front of the group were two guys in white coats. One of them, obviously older and more experienced, held in his hands a sheet that looked like a medical diagnosis. He scribbled a few illegible notes on it, and handed it to the other, who left right after.

“ _This morning, I'll just explain how the hospital works. This afternoon we’ll take a tour of the premises, so that you can familiarize yourself with the place... and at the end of the day, I’ll divide you into small groups so that you can join your respective services the next day.”_

Hanbin nodded imperceptibly.

“ _You can call me Minho. I'm responsible of you guys from this point on, so don't damage my reputation more than I already do”_ , he added with a smile.

Minho was an intimidating guy, and Hanbin wasn't sure whether he was playing a joke on them, or warning them. With his black hair shaved on the underside, longer on the top, his many earrings and the few tattoos on his neck, he didn't really look like a doctor. It looked more like he had just come out of a fashion magazine.

“ _I have been in charge of the pediatric service for two years.”_

Noticing the students’ stunned look, Minho crossed his arms and his smile widened.

“ _I know I look like a gangster, but kids love me.”_

The witty remark amused the crowd around him. Hanbin heard Jiwon's loud laughter echoing in the hall. He had recognized it was him without even needing to look.

“ _Follow me !”_

Immediately their guide turned around, and they followed quickly. He had been relatively kind and pleasant so far, but Hanbin couldn't help but feel that it was better not to get on his bad side.

Minho led them into a meeting room, where they all sat around a large white plastic table. With the scraping of chairs, the rustling of clothes and the voices that rose in the room, Hanbin thought his brain was going to implode. He frowned and sat down in silence, doing his best to ignore the rest of the world. If there was one thing he could do well, it was that.

Eyes focused on his own hands, he heard Jiwon's deafening voice enter the room. He was talking to his friend. He wasn't even sure he knew his name. He couldn't understand what they were discussing, either. Something related to a video game.

They sat down across from him. He closed his eyelids for a second. Jiwon always made sure to be seated either behind or in front of him. Next to him it was harder to observe him going unnoticed. Actually, hoping to go unnoticed. Because he had come to realize it, of course, after a while.

He didn't know what Jiwon wanted from him. He couldn't understand why he was staring at him, why he cared about him. He was just an ordinary guy, who spent all his free time studying. The only thing he wanted to do was to finish college without causing any problems, and without having any either. He never attended college parties, or the activities that the students organized, and he wasn’t friendly to many people either.

Jiwon, on the other side, was a social butterfly. It was obvious what kind of person he was. He was always surrounded by people. Everyone looked at him, everyone smiled when he laughed. He was the subject of the other students’ conversations, even those who did not know him. They talked about him and his talent for conversation, his self-confidence, his humor, his free spirit… and it never ended. But Jiwon was carefree and didn't take anything seriously, not even his studies. So what people said about him, he really didn't care.

Hanbin couldn't figure out if this was laudable or incredibly irritating. He hated him, and he admired him at the same time.

Suddenly Jiwon looked up at him. It was when their eyes met that Hanbin realized he had been staring at him all this time. He looked down immediately, as if he had been caught doing something forbidden.

The return to Earth was a little more brutal than expected. He shifted his troubled eyes to Minho, who, marker in hand, was writing a few words on the white board. It that was already full, with scribbles, keywords, diagrams. He looked up at the clock hanging above the door. He had been seated at this table for almost an hour. It took him a few seconds to realize that this time, he was the one who hadn't taken his eyes off Jiwon for an hour. Not the opposite. And the doctor had explained a lot of things to them during that time, but he hadn't listened to any of it.

The fear of having missed on the explanations immediately made his hands tremble. He was afraid of missing out on crucial information. He was afraid of making a mistake later because he hadn't listened. Because he had been distracted. Distracted by Jiwon, yet again.

He squeezed his hands together so that they would stop shivering. Then, irises riveted on the whiteboard, he listened intently to the rest of the presentation. He couldn't afford to think of anything else.

When Minho stopped talking, it was a little after one o'clock. Hanbin was exhausted, and cold, but he didn't show it. Around him, everyone else was complaining, holding their stomachs. In his case, he was not that hungry.

The doctor showed them the cafeteria. It was nothing mind blowing. Everything was white, as if lack of color was mandatory in all hospitals. Above all, it was loud. Dozens of people came and went in lab coats, trays in hand. Minho greeted most of them on the way.

They sat down in a corner. He couldn’t recognize half of the people who had taken a seat at the six-seater table with him. Certainly because he had never paid attention to them, and surely because they hadn’t either. On Minho's orders, they left to get their tray and food in small groups, to avoid blocking the flow of doctors and interns trying to enjoy a quick meal.

When Hanbin sat down, most of the people had already started to eat. He looked down at his tray, a thin aluminum board, separated into several compartments, one for each dish. The soup and rice weren't exceptional, of course, but in one of the metal reinforcements there was meat. And on the side, fruit. It took him forever to grab his chopsticks. Since when hadn't he eaten meat ? He couldn't even remember what it tasted like.

All the others were eating quietly, obviously used to it. But Hanbin was amazed at the average price of the meal in front of him. He couldn't help but do the math. If he had fed himself this way every day, all of his family's meager savings would have gone to waste.

Between his two shaking chopsticks, he pinched a piece of meat. A little hesitantly he brought it halfway to his lips. Something worried him. What if it was delicious ? What if, after reviving the taste of meat and fruit in his mind, he couldn't get enough of it ? He couldn't miss something he didn't know about. So, reluctantly, Hanbin released the grilled piece right where he had taken it.

“ _You don't eat meat ?”_

He looked up at the girl sitting across from him. One eyebrow raised, she seemed to have witnessed all of his inner struggle. The question, said aloud, too loud, ended up reaching the others. Before he could understand what was happening, other people's attention focused on him.

“ _Why ?”_

Suddenly he was overwhelmed with a multitude of questions. They were asking him if he was allergic, flexitarian, vegetarian or vegan, and he didn't know what to say, because he didn't even know the difference between the last three terms.

Subconsciously his gaze searched for Jiwon's, and as usual, without fail, the other was watching him. And maybe he looked more confused by the questions than he thought he was, because a second later Jiwon was making a wide, intentionally awkward gesture, and he bumped into the pitcher on his table, spilling water all over it.

“ _God damn it, Jiwon !”_

A chair screeched. The irritated exclamation of Jiwon’s friend, a tall, dark-haired fellow who had just risen abruptly from his chair, made all heads turn. As usual, they drew attention to themselves. Hanbin couldn't remember his name, but he and Jiwon were incredibly loud. When he cursed, blaming him for his soaked pants, everyone around laughed. And from that moment on, no one cared for him anymore. They were all fixated on the two friends arguing as quietly as possible, trying to avoid the glare Minho was shooting them.

After a few minutes, the taller one sat down, grabbed all the napkins on the table, and dabbed his pants to soak up the water. Hanbin, frozen, had not taken his eyes off Jiwon. And when calm regained possession of the refectory, he saw him turn towards him, look at him for a minute, then smile weakly.

The rest of the meal went by in silence. Their guide’s accusing glare had quickly put an end to the laughter and the insults. Hanbin ate slowly, distracted. So slowly that when it was time to leave the cafeteria, he hadn't finished half of his meal.

In the afternoon, as planned, they toured the hospital. The premises were vast, separated into several buildings, themselves divided into several departments. They spent hours visiting the entire place, stopping at a few essential points, where Minho gave them quick explanations. They were able to walk the corridors of the operating rooms, where surgeries sometimes took place. The equipment was brand-new. The various buildings were relatively recent, a complete state of the art hospital. Hanbin wondered where they had gotten all the money to get so many sophisticated machines.

When they arrived at the pediatric ward, there was a sudden change of atmosphere. In all other parts, everything was made out of white concrete and glass. However here the walls, floor, and ceiling were all plastered in bright, vibrant colors. The beds were covered with colorful sheets, with various and varied childish patterns. As soon as they passed the automatic doors, they were greeted by the reception secretaries to their left, standing behind a high counter covered in stickers and drawings. The children were screaming and playing, in medical gowns. Some, weaker, were sitting in their beds, watching the others play with a smile on their face, or were reading peacefully in their corner.

The bright blue ground was strewn with toys of all kinds. It was chaos. Hanbin had to be careful to not step on anything. Minho, perfectly in his element, guided them through the battlefield, spinning around, and introducing them to what he called "home". Hanbin couldn't help but smile. Something here was different. The rest of the hospital was cold and distant, as if frozen, as if something was wrong. This service, although extremely noisy, was _alive_.

Minho didn't stop talking, sometimes interrupted by a few little patients who demanded attention. And he would squat down gently to their level to greet them, ask them how they were doing, if they felt any pain. After making sure that they were all right, and if they weren't, that a nurse or a colleague would take care of them, he let them go and resumed his explanations.

Hanbin had always thought about it, but it was Minho's attitude that convinced him. Once his diploma obtained, it was towards this field that he would orient himself. Because he loved children and their honesty, their naïve minds. Because he admired the pure gaze they cast on the world, and he wanted to find his own. Going back to the days when everything was easier, when the biggest dilemma was to choose between the dollhouse or the remote control car.

Minho put them to work for a few minutes, entertaining the children who were terribly bored sometimes. Hanbin sat down next to a little girl, quite naturally, as quietly as he could. Staring at the few other children playing, she was incredibly pale. He observed her bruised bluish lips, her eyes lit in dark colors. On the top of her head, she wore a white beanie that covered her entire scalp. He could easily guess the reason for her stay.

After that, he didn’t do anything exceptional. He just stood there by her side, talking quietly to her about things that piqued her curiosity. And she might not have been very receptive at first, but he hadn’t cared. She was listening to him and he could see it. He kept her busy, he made her think about something else, and that was all that mattered.

The end of the day came with the darkness. The clock hit 6 p.m, and Hanbin didn't want to leave the pediatric ward anytime soon. However, he was forced to part with the little patient, who had finally revealed her name to him.

“ _See you soon, Mihi._ ”

With these words he waved to her, and she replied timidly. Tenderly he smiled at her, and joined the rest of the group.

Minho led them back to the room they had occupied in the early morning. Perhaps by instinct they all took the same places. Barely seated, Hanbin met Jiwon's insistent gaze. And he couldn't believe that in just one day, he had grown considerably used to it. Maybe it was because he had started to look back at him ? Maybe he was less nervous now that Jiwon wasn’t the only one in control ? It just didn't make sense. He lowered his eyes.

Minho sat down at the end of the table and crossed his legs. Then he looked over the seated students, and slapped his hand on the table.

“ _Good ! Now it's time to divide you guys into several departments._ ”

Hanbin swallowed.

“ _Currently, ten departments are available to welcome you… and if I haven't totally forgotten my old math lessons, that makes about three of you per area. You are twenty-nine, so a group of two. That's it ? Do I still have it ?_ ”

Another laugh echoed through the room. Minho was good at making jokes in a tense atmosphere. With a jerk of his chin he pointed to the first three students on his right.

“ _You three are going to general medicine_ ”, he decreed.

And just like that, he had already placed three students in a ward. Hanbin, a little surprised, stiffened in his chair. He wouldn’t ask them which service they wanted ? He was assigning them without thinking for a second.

“ _The next three, radiology…_ ”, he continued.

Hanbin felt his pounding heart go wild, and tried to calm down. Since when had he started caring about such trivial things ? He would go into the service he was given, and that was it. He didn't have a say in it, there was no choice to make. There was no reason to be anxious, or even bothered by it.

Minho's voice sounded distant, as he continued to sort out his classmates. He was starting to get to the end of the table.

“ _The two rowdy teens, in pediatrics with me.”_

Hanbin looked up. And without a doubt, the “two rowdy teens” were indeed Jiwon and his friend. He felt his stomach twist. It was an unpleasant feeling. Frowning, he clenched his jaw. Jiwon was in pediatrics, and he wasn't. He couldn't tell if he was just disappointed, or if he was jealous to boot.

When Minho's attention fell on him and the two people beside him, he tried hard to pull himself together.

“ _And you, in psychiatry.”_

The psychiatry service. Hanbin breathed in hard. If he kept undermining himself for the slightest thing, he was the one who was going to need a psychiatrist.

Minho was already telling them to get moving and go home, when Jiwon's booming voice stopped them all.

“ _Sir !”_

The doctor scowled, and they all understood that he didn’t like the title. Another wave of laughter, caused by Jiwon, ran through the ranks. The latter gently lowered his raised hand.

“ _I… I'm no good with children_ ," he stammered.

The tall brunette – whose name he still didn’t know – glared at his best friend, an exaggerated look of confusion plastered on his face. He seemed to want to protest, and started calling him a liar, but Jiwon pinched his arm to silence him and clumsily continued.

“ _Can I switch with someone ?”_

Minho raised an eyebrow, puzzled. He didn't seem totally reluctant. And Hanbin felt it coming from miles away.

“ _Hanbin would do much better, I’m sure of it. And I am very interested in psychiatry !”_ he added, far too insistent.

The doctor seemed to search for him for a moment, trying to put a face on the name, until he was pointed at by other students. Hanbin froze in a cold sweat when Minho stared him up and down. Jiwon was mad. He had lost his mind. And he was going to strangle him, right before ending his own life.

“ _Hmm...”_

Minho seemed to think for a second, his hand on his chin. Hanbin swallowed harder, struggling to clear the lump in his throat. He wasn't sure he could say a word, if asked anything.

“ _Sure, why not.”_

The lump in his esophagus suddenly vanished. Jiwon had just helped him, again. How many times had it been ? Had he helped him before without him realizing it ? Or had the fact that he finally spoke to him triggered something ?

The students started to leave the room. Then they all dispersed outside, in the cold. After spending all day in the hospital, Hanbin had almost forgotten how low the temperature was outside, and that he was far too lightly dressed to bear it. He hugged his own body, as if it would help him fight the chills running along his back. Afterwards he felt a warm sensation on the back of his neck. By the time he realized what was happening, Jiwon ran past him and joined his friend, who had started walking without him.

Hanbin grabbed the cloth over his shoulders. It was a huge red scarf, made of a fabric softer than any material he had ever had the chance to touch in his entire life. It was the scarf Jiwon had worn around his neck that morning.

Dazed, he watched the brunette walk away without a word. Jiwon had begun to feel more comfortable, to try to help him, to give him things. And Hanbin was scared, irritated, and maybe a little, a little bit touched at the same time.

Jiwon was crazy. He was mad. The psychiatry service would suit him perfectly. While he was doing his internship there, he could grab the opportunity and get himself diagnosed.

Hanbin didn't realize for a while that he had started to smile. When he realized it, he gave himself a tiny slap, wrapped the scarf around his neck, and exhaled comfortably in the warm fabric. Then he started to walk his way back to his house.

It took him about forty minutes before he reached the small Seoul district where he lived with his family. His legs exhausted, he was dying to sit down. In front of him was the very steep slope that led to his house. It was as unpleasant to walk uphill as it was downhill.

He lived up there, in a small dilapidated house. He politely greeted his elderly neighbors, who were glaring at him from their tiny dusty garden. He then stepped under the electric cables hanging between the two blue roofs, and finally pushed open the family house’s creaky wooden door.

“ _Mom, I'm home._ ”

There was no answer. He sighed, almost relieved. He got rid of his old damaged shoes in the hall, then lined them up neatly next to the others. Barefoot he took a few steps on the icy ground, then turned on the light. The bulb on the ceiling flickered two or three times, right before lighting up and emitting a faint yellow glow. The living room was tiny. It was occupied only by a small kitchen older than the grandmother who lived across the street, an old table and four wobbly chairs, one of which was threatening to break. The walls, covered in holes and dusty, were home to all kinds of pests, which Hanbin regularly chased away with lemon and salt.

Several bare electric cables were coming out of the ceiling. Hanbin wasn't an architect in any way, but he was pretty sure it wasn't extremely safe. Even more when he knew full well that at the slightest rainfall, water would infiltrate through all the crevices in the tiled roof and flood the frame.

He shook his head and went straight to their noisy fridge, the rubber seal of which was starting to peel off. Inside was a black plastic bag filled with vegetables. His mother had left it there again without tidying anything.

Hanbin huffed, crouched down, and put the vegetables in their place. At the bottom of the transparent compartment, he found four bottles of soju and a few cans of beer, which he tried to ignore as best as he could. He prepared food in silence. He hadn't taken off his coat nor Jiwon's scarf, still shivering. It was almost as cold inside as it was outside.

He froze for a second when his mother walked through the front door. He watched as she got rid of her things in the hallway. Her features were strained with fatigue. Seeing him she smiled, a smile to which he replied curtly.

“ _I'm home, Hanbin._ ”

Then she caught sight of the scarf around his neck, and her drained expression stiffened.

“ _Hanbin._ ”

Questioningly, he raised one eyebrow while adding the onions to the soup.

“ _Did you buy yourself a scarf ?_ ”

Subconsciously, his fingers tightened around the knife he was holding. He set it down on the old, worn counter, and turned to her. There was no emotion close to anger on her face. On the contrary. She looked terrified, actually. Pupils glued to the expensive looking fabric tied around his neck, she looked like she had just seen a ghost.

“ _No, it's a classmate's. I'll give it back tomorrow, I promise_ ,” he assured.

As soon as she realized he hadn't spent any money, a deep relief relaxed her features. Hanbin, uncomfortable, smiled politely again. His mother regained her natural, calm and exhausted face. This pitiful face which, unfortunately, ran through the family.

He was done with cooking. She thanked him, apologizing for not being able to do it, yet again. Hanbin had started to take care of the cooking so that she would stop apologizing, so that she would stop feeling bad every time she made him eat something sloppy. But since then, he was under the impression that it had only gotten worse.

She settled into one of the wobbly chairs. Hanbin grabbed a bottle of alcohol from the fridge, and placed it in front of her. With a pathetic smile, she thanked him.

It was her ritual. When she came home from work, morally and physically exhausted, she would sit there and have a drink. She couldn't do without it. Hanbin knew exactly what that meant, but he just couldn’t deprive her of the only comforting moment she had in her horrible days. Those horrible days she spent serving loathsome guys, who never took a break in disrespecting her, in a musty old bar even rats dared not venture in.

They ate in silence. Busy with her own problems, she didn't ask him how his day had been. She had certainly forgotten that he had gone through his first day of internship at the hospital.

When he was done Hanbin excused himself and went to his room, explaining that he had to study. It wasn't a lie, but it was his pretense. He sat down at his stained desk, rested his elbows on the flat surface, and then hid his face in his hands.

His throat tightened. He held back as much as he could the sob that threatened to escape it. He shed a few tears in silence, just to release the pressure. He too had his rituals.

Next he got rid of his coat, picked up his worn-out notebook on his precarious bookshelf, and began to study. It was the only thing that allowed him to escape the stifling reality. Because no matter how much he wanted to run away, he could never abandon his family. And he knew that even if he did decide to run away, poverty and misery would follow him wherever he went.

This university, this scholarship, this career, it was his only opportunity. He couldn't afford to let his grades drop by just one point. He had to do everything he could to get out of there, because he had never felt like he belonged in this house. Nor really in this family.

When he lowered his head, his nose brushed against Jiwon’s soft scarf. It was saturated with a scent foreign to him, but also strangely familiar. He closed his eyes, and stayed still for a few minutes, pen in hand.

Then he opened his eyelids, untied the scarf, and placed it gently on the back of his chair. He couldn't afford to be distracted. He couldn't let one more obstacle stand in his already rough way.

He breathed out freezing air, the skin on the back of his neck shivering in the cold. In the frigid silence, he said it to himself for the umpteenth time.

Jiwon was a distraction. A nuisance.


	3. jiwon ─ And we are locking eyes through the crowd

That morning, Jiwon was awakened by his mother calling him from behind his bedroom door. In a soft voice, she asked him if she could come inside. When she heard a growl in response, she entered the room and let a ray of light filter through.

“ _Jiwon...”_

In a whisper she helped him emerge a little more, and sat down gently next to him. He felt the mattress sink under her weight, and frowning, he turned in her direction. Silently she ran a comforting hand over his face, combed his tousled hair, and smiled peacefully at him.

“ _The office called me, they need me urgently_ ,” she explained quietly. “ _Do you think you’ll have time to take Jiyeon to school before you go to the hospital ?”_

Jiwon took a second to think, then nodded, eyes half-closed.

“ _She's dressed and she's had breakfast, she's already ready. I left her in front of the TV.”_

He felt her get up, and heard the sound of her retreating footsteps.

“ _She wanted you to comb her hair, so she didn't let me touch it. Don't stay in bed too long, Jiwon.”_

He nodded and sat up in bed, slowly coming out of his lethargy. He could afford to be late for class sometimes, but his little sister couldn't. So he threw his legs out of his quilt, body still weary, and he forced himself to sit upright for a few minutes.

He had spent most of the night staring at the ceiling. Remembering all the opportunities he had had to talk to Hanbin during the day, all the opportunities he had missed. He hadn't even been able to say anything while giving him his scarf. Like a coward, a weirdo, he had thrown it on his back and he had ran away. That night he had turned and tossed between the sheets, agitated by the very fact that something that belonged to him was with the chestnut right now, at his place, in his room perhaps. All night long. He had almost plucked all his hair out. Hanbin was driving him nuts.

He stood up. Like every morning, he performed his routine : a long hot shower to wake up his stiff muscles. This time, he had prepared the day before the things he had planned to wear that day. With Junhoe's – questionable but – helpful opinion and his unique sense of style, he had managed to whip up a presentable outfit. An outfit that didn't make him look like he was coming straight from his neighborhood’s skate park, anyway.

He was sitting on the couch, Jiyeon placed between his legs, mesmerized by what was playing on the screen. With pursed lips, he tried as best he could to make two symmetrical piggy tails for her, struggling with the charm hair ties that she absolutely wanted to wear. For some mysterious reason, she always loved it when he did her hair, and often asked him to do it. But even after all these years of training, he was still just as clumsy with his hands, when it came to tying up her dark hair evenly. And it was truly ironic to tremble that much, for someone currently studying medicine.

When he finally was done, he grabbed Jiyeon under the shoulders and lifted her off the ground. Immediately she laughed, and it wasn't long before he joined her, because all her emotions were extremely communicative. He carried her to the mirror, where he let her carefully examine the fruits of his labor. He planted a star hairpin in her tiny bangs, for the finishing touch, and she looked very satisfied with it. So he asked her to go get her backpack, and she complied immediately.

He turned off the television, and dropped the remote on the sofa. In his pants pocket, his phone vibrated furiously. He could guess without thinking twice that it was Junhoe, and that he was sending him hundreds of messages to tell him that he was waiting for him downstairs. After a few seconds with no answer he always ended up threatening to go without him, if he didn't hurry.

In the elevator, Jiyeon was swinging at the end of his arm, dressed in her red uniform and green socks. Her bag, a bright pink color, was covered in glitter and stickers she had put there herself. At the end of one of the zippers, she had hung a sparkly keyring that Jiwon had gifted her, of one of her favorite cartoon characters. With this assortment of brightly colored clothes, she looked like a tiny little rainbow.

They left the hall after he tied a baby blue scarf around her neck, to make sure she wouldn't be cold. As soon as she saw Junhoe, Jiyeon let go of his hand and ran up to the tall guy. His best friend, as soon as he saw her rush in his direction, dropped his bag on the ground, crouched down and opened his arms. The girl jumped and landed against him, right before he got up and started spinning around.

Jiwon couldn't help but smile. He picked up Junhoe's bag from the floor, and hoisted it onto his shoulder. Jiyeon, curled up in his best friend’s arms, told them everything that came to her mind. They walked to school listening to her, and nodding each time she said something, even if she had said it at least three times already, or even if it didn't make sense. Then they left her in front of the private elementary school’s gate, where the teachers were waiting for the last parents to drop off their children. Back on firm ground, Jiyeon gave them two kisses each and trotted away to join her class, beaming.

“ _I'll say it again. You were adopted. There’s just no other explanation.”_

Jiwon laughed. Junhoe was spouting even more absurd things than Jiyeon did.

“ _Jiyeon and your mother are angels, and you’re ... you’re ... you.”_

He saw the taller staring him up and down, a falsely disparaging look on his face. It was always the same speech. Jiyeon had taken everything from their mother, and Jiwon looked nothing like them. They were both delicate and adorable, too pretty and sweet for their own good, and he was… different. Junhoe pointed this out to him every time he saw Jiyeon.

“ _You must have taken everything from your father_ ," Junhoe supposed while shrugging.

In almost two decades of friendship, Junhoe had never seen his father's face once. Jiwon himself had barely seen him. Maybe because he was always busy, and probably because he didn't care about them. Ever since the divorce, Jiwon no longer even had hoped to receive a birthday card. He didn't know how his best friend imagined his father to be, but from what he remembered, he didn't think he looked especially like him either. Even within his own family he was unique. He thought he might have inherited the few recessive genes lying around between his two parents. He liked to think that he had left all the best of himself behind, to give it to Jiyeon. It was an absurd idea, especially coming from a medical school student, but he was satisfied with it.

Junhoe kept talking, over and over again. He was almost as talkative as his seven-year-old sister. Jiwon listened to him and didn't complain, used to it. On the contrary, he listened to him pleasantly as a background noise, half attentive, half elsewhere.

They arrived on time in front of the hospital. Several students had already gathered on the square, in the same way as the day before. He didn't wait a second, scanned the space, and as usual he found Hanbin in record time.

The first thing he noticed was the scarlet scarf tied around his neck. His stomach twisted and a heavy, unfamiliar feeling disturbed him inside. And there was also this strange feeling of pride that parasitized his mind ; because Hanbin, the Kim Hanbin, was wearing something that belonged to him.

He felt Junhoe nudge his shoulder. Everyone else had started to gather near the entrance, because it was time to go in. During this time Jiwon had remained there, motionless, speechless. He came out of his torpor as quickly as he could.

“ _What is it again ? You were already weird before, but these days you're super weird.”_

Junhoe, after his remark, pulled him into the hall. Jiwon knew he was just grumpy – at least more than usual – because he wasn't going to be able to see Jinhwan for a while. They stopped after going through the automatic doors. Like the day before, Minho was dressed in his white lab coat, and was waiting for them. The uproar created by all the different conversations quickly ceased.

“ _I hope you're all here_ ,” the doctor announced, his voice loud. “ _By the way, I’m warning you in advance : if one day I catch you being late, I will have you clean the entire archive room. Understood ?”_

A common voice rose as they all said they did.

“ _Cool. Now go join your services, don't waste time.”_

Almost immediately all the students began to fidget, to look for the students with whom they knew they were grouped, and to isolate themselves in a corner as soon as they did. Jiwon stood still for a few seconds with Junhoe.

“ _Ah, right, I forgot we’re not in the same department. You dumped me because you're, hmm, so interested in psychiatry_ ,” his best friend mocked.

Jiwon forced a laugh out of his throat, feigning amusement, and slapped him on the back. When he turned to look for his future colleagues, he came face to face with Hanbin. He jumped and took a step back. The chestnut, the lower part of his face tucked into his red scarf, looked at him for ten seconds. Then he passed by him to go and stand next to Junhoe. And god, Jiwon regretted not forcing his best friend to switch departments with Hanbin, instead of doing it himself.

Since the day before, he had totally forgotten who he was supposed to be grouping with. And he would never have guessed if he hadn't been called. Jiwon turned in the direction where the voice calling his name was coming from. A young woman entered his field of vision. With her hand raised, she waved her arm to get his attention. He wasn't sure he knew her well, but he had spoken to her before, that was for certain. Maybe at a party, or during one of his many cigarette breaks.

" _Ah_ ," Junhoe blurted out, having seemingly just understood something. “ _So that's why you absolutely wanted to change departments ? Did you want to get closer to Jisoo ?”_

Junhoe nudged him gently with his elbow, eyebrow wiggling. Jiwon stared at him for a second. He had always known his best friend was stupid, but now he was exceeding his expectations. He was as interested in Jisoo as he was in the sexual reproduction of oysters. And that was a lot to say.

How could Junhoe not understand that his best friend, whom he supposedly knew like the back of his hand, was obsessed with Kim Hanbin ?

As soon as he thought of the chestnut, he instinctively looked up at him. But Hanbin wasn't looking at him, looking worried about something. Curious, he followed his gaze to its destination, and noticed with a little amazement that his irises were frozen on Jisoo's smiling face. He was utterly glaring at her.

Jiwon was about to deny Junhoe's stupid guess with all his might, when a hand dropped heavily on his shoulder.

“ _Kim Jiwon, right ?”_

Minho's smiling face suddenly appeared to his right, twisted and terrifying.

“ _Of all the names I have on this list_ ,” he said, waving a crumpled sheet of paper, “ _I only remember yours. Do you think this is a good or a bad sign ?”_

Jiwon swallowed dryly and smiled, unable to answer. He bowed, and guided by the strong grip of their mentor, he quietly joined his group. Out of the corner of his eye, he could have sworn he had seen Hanbin smile, but when he had turned to confirm it, he had only seen his back. Jisoo and some other guy greeted him, visibly pleased to have him in their group. Not very interested, he nonetheless answered mechanically when they started talking to him.

They waited for about ten minutes. The other groups, each joined by their guides, gradually left the hall and went to their respective departments. Minho had already been gone with Hanbin and Junhoe for a while. And Jiwon wished he could have entered his best friend's head, to be able to observe everything he was going to do during his day with him. Even though he couldn't talk to him, looking at him had always been enough. But since the day before, Jiwon felt that things were changing, and that scared him a bit.

At the end of these ten minutes, they were finally introduced to their doctor. They saw him come from the emergency room doors. He walked slowly towards them, with steady, slightly rushed steps. He ran his hands through his tousled auburn hair several times to comb it, to no avail. His hastily put on and wrinkled lab coat had tiny splatters of blood on the hem. In the small pocket on his heart, embroidered with the name ‘Kim Jinwoo’ and the mention of psychiatrist, there were several identical pens, and an empty syringe. One side of his mismatched white shirt, which was missing a few buttons, awkwardly came out of his gray check pants. And looking at his feet, Jiwon even noticed that he was wearing two different patterns of socks.

“ _Hi, sorry for the wait…”_

After wiping his sweaty palm on his lab coat, the doctor briefly shook hands with the three of them. He did not introduce himself. And he didn't seem condescending or disdainful, because he was smiling sweetly at them, and even looking a little nervous. Jiwon could guess without any difficulty that he had simply forgotten to mention the slight detail that was his name.

“ _Well, uh… Jiwon, Jisoo, Jaewon.”_

Jinwoo looked at them one after the other. Jiwon had no idea how he knew their first names, or how he had managed to match them correctly with their faces first try, but he nodded and smiled when his gaze met the doctor's. Suddenly the latter laughed, surprising them all.

“ _We’re the J team.”_

Jiwon froze for a second, thinking. When he figured the joke out, the others seemed to understand it as well. They all laughed, a little uncomfortable. Jinwoo didn't look any more comfortable than they were. He rubbed his hands together and his eyes kept moving back and forth between the emergency room doors and the exit. Tense, he seemed to be dreading something.

Suddenly there was a huge uproar. The automatic doors to the emergency room opened, and a young woman in a hospital gown shoved several nurses to step through them. Barefoot she began to run in the entrance hall, skin slapping on the white resin floor. Jinwoo, immediately alerted, did not waste a second and abandoned them there. Jiwon watched him rush towards the patient, who was going straight for the exit while screaming.

A moment later, the psychiatrist had caught up to her. Suddenly their two bodies collided and Jinwoo abruptly slammed her down onto the ground. The young woman struggled, yelling, saying that she did not want to go back, that all the injections hurt her, and that the nurses were treating her like she was crazy. She clutched at her hair and clothes, in panic. Two other doctors came to his aid, and administered a dose of sedatives while he held her against him as best he could. When she calmed down, he gave his orders to the interns who had helped him and watched them leave, hands on his hips. Then, very calmly, he came back to them.

He was much messier looking than he had been before. Jiwon finally understood the reason for his unique appearance.

“ _Sorry for the shocking first impression_ ," Jinwoo laughed, suddenly much more relaxed. “ _Don't be afraid, those kinda things tend to happen in psychiatry.”_

If he had hoped to reassure them by saying this, he was wrong. Carefree he asked them to follow him, and guided them to the psychiatry ward. On the way, he explained to them that the patient, suffering from schizophrenia and paranoia, had escaped from the ward that morning, and had hidden in the emergency room. In order not to disrupt the treatment and scare the other patients, he had pretended not to realize it, and had waited for her to come out to the hall and try to run away to stop her. He gently explained to them that she could be unpredictable if she felt in danger, and told them not to worry. Jiwon still worried.

Junhoe was probably living his best life, alongside Hanbin in the pediatric ward. But he was right there, wondering how often this kind of incident would happen during his internship.

The psychiatric ward was like everywhere else : white and depressing. Everywhere else except for pediatrics, but Jiwon tried not to think about it. Jinwoo gave them a tour of the different facilities, and even though they were already more or less familiar with it from the day before, a little more explanation was always welcome. They were going to spend their next two weeks there, and it was going to be very eventful.

Most of the patients had single rooms for safety reasons. Windows, doors and furniture were all reinforced, protected, secured with padlocks. Jiwon was only a young adult, a very old child, who had only gone through two years of medical school. And as much as he wanted to be at ease in this environment, even if he wished he hadn't looked judgmentally at the patients he visited, he couldn't help but think that he was doomed for being in this weirdo ward.

He only found comfort in telling himself that he had spared Hanbin such an experience. He had sacrificed himself to let him go to pediatrics, because he had seemed so disappointed not to be there. It was heroic enough to appease him.

Jinwoo left them alone in the break room. It was a messy room, a room doctors and nurses visited during their short breaks. On the right wall was a row of blue lockers. On each locker’s door, a white plaque was glued, bearing the name of the owner. After putting on his lab coat, Jiwon put his bag in his own private space, and hung his jacket on one of the hangers. On the shelf at the top, he retrieved a small blank notebook, a black pen and a syringe wrapped in plastic. Jiwon didn't question why he would need it and just put everything in his pocket.

In the center of the room, there was a wooden table covered with old dirty coffee cups, all kinds of documents, books on psychiatry, and medical records. You could hardly see the whitish surface of the walls, as they were plastered with diagrams, clumsy drawings, observations and yellow post-its. In one of the corners there was a tiny kitchen. A mountain of dirty dishes had piled up waiting to be washed. The sponge that sat on the edge of the sink, withered dry, looked like it hadn't been used in years. Above the unusable counter hung three cupboards. Jiwon opened one of them absent-mindedly. Suddenly a mountain of instant noodles packages dropped on top of his head, and he did his best to catch a few. With Jisoo's help he put everything back in, closed it as quickly as possible before it fell again, and did not risk opening the other compartments.

The break room led to another room, separated by a wall. A narrow room lined on both sides with two bunk beds. They looked very uncomfortable, and Jiwon couldn't help but think that he was bound to end up using one of them, at least once, during those two weeks. He didn't venture into the dark room any further, because he couldn't tell if anyone was sleeping in one of the bed or not. He just assumed that the back door led to a bathroom, or a restroom, maybe.

Jinwoo returned after a few minutes. He had re-styled his hair and buttoned his shirt correctly. With this appearance he looked a lot less strange. He would have looked almost normal, if his socks with different patterns had been changed too. But the one on the right was still adorned with pink plastic ducks, with a gaudy yellow background, and the one on the left was embroidered based on a Christmas theme, embellished with colorful trees and stars, in shades of green and red that contrasted frightfully with those of its neighbor.

He proceeded to explain to them what he had planned for their day, and Jiwon found it difficult to concentrate on anything other than his socks. Yet he forced himself to listen. Jinwoo warned them, serious, reminding them that most patients could be unpredictable. At the end of his speech, he had recovered his smile, and he left the break room with them.

“ _Remember, these people aren't crazy_ ,” the psychiatrist gently insisted. “ _They are just sick.”_

Jiwon nodded silently.

He had a terrible day. Yes, he had expected a doctor’s duties, even as an intern, to be exhausting : but this went beyond anything he had ever imagined. He spent his time running through psychiatric ward’s halls, looking for Jinwoo’s messy figure. Something went wrong all the time. Whether with the sick or with their families. Earlier in the day, the psychiatrist had kindly ordered him to make sure that all the patients in the building were comfortable, that they didn’t lack anything. He had advised him to talk to them for a few minutes, to get to know them, to keep them company. And so he had done that, patient after patient. But with every new room he entered, with every new person he met, there was a new problem to solve. Incidents similar to the one that had happened in the morning, and many more.

It started with this man suffering from withdrawal symptoms, who had completely exploded with rage when Jiwon had politely refused to sneak him a bottle of alcohol... then this mother who had almost fainted, after learning that her fourteen-year-old teenager had caught a sexually transmitted disease, and who refused to calm down... followed by this poor ten-year-old girl, who had to gulp down about ten pills a day to keep living her already tormented life, and who had decided this afternoon that falling out the window would be a much better alternative, rather than suffering for the rest of it. And luckily, she had failed her attempt.

Jiwon sat down in a chair in the hallway, exhausted. He looked like shit. His lab coat’s white collar was partially torn, his hair was disheveled, he had a reddish scratch mark on his neck. But more than physical, his fatigue was mental. With a sigh he stood up and lightly slapped his cheeks several times. He resumed his round. There was only one room left for him to check out, and it was the one he dreaded the most.

Anxious, he slid the door open. The patient was sitting in bed, staring at the city through the window. She watched the cars go by, and her eyes followed the flow of vehicles, before returning to their starting point and doing it over and over again.

He didn't know her name, and he was afraid to ask. In fact, he was afraid to say anything. Ever since he had heard her scream a few hours earlier, when she had been sprawled out on the cold hard floor, he hadn't managed to get the hoarse sound of her broken voice out of his head.

He closed his eyelids and took a deep breath. She wasn't crazy. Just sick.

“ _Come in._ _”_

At the faint sound of her vocal cords he jumped. He obeyed the next second. Silently he took a few steps into the room. As he quietly went to sit on the windowsill, she never took her eyes off the cars.

“ _I'm cold._ _”_

Jiwon glanced at her bare arms, tied with straps on opposite sides of the bed. She was sitting on her mattress, dressed lightly, without a blanket. She had goose bumps.

“ _They know I'm cold but they won't give me any blanket._ _”_

He frowned, wondering who she was referring to. He didn't know if she was talking about nurses, or doctors. In any case, if they had refused to give her anything to cover herself with, there had to be a valid reason.

“ _They don't like me… no, they don't like me._ _”_

Jinwoo had told him that she was paranoid, and that she had convinced herself the whole world wanted to harm her. She didn't seem to distrust him personally, but judging by the way she had struggled and cursed as the doctors held her, she didn't seem to really appreciate the medical staff.

“ _They'll come back in the evening._ _”_

She began to shake her head. Her bright red hair fell over her pale face when she stopped. Behind her poorly cut bangs, he saw her dark eyes stop on him. He had an indescribable shiver. He didn't like that feeling.

“ _They hurt me. Giving me injections all the time. I don't like needles._ _”_

One look on her arms, and Jiwon could tell she was lying. She was sure she was telling the truth, but her skin was unmarked. She clearly hadn't had any injection in a while, other than the one she had received in the morning.

Jiwon listened to her complain for a few more minutes. She spoke about pain that he could not find anywhere on her, about the nurses’ mean behavior towards her. She looked terrified when she said that they came every night to inject her with weird substances, and to draw her blood. And Jiwon was as horrified as she was, because the brain was such an incredibly powerful organ, to be able to mess with a person that much, and make them believe such absurd things.

After about thirty minutes, a nurse entered the room. Immediately the patient turned in the direction of the middle-aged woman, and began to scream. Pulling on her straps she cried and cried, begging to be left alone. Jiwon stood up, shocked, taken aback. The newcomer gave him a courteous smile.

“ _Don't mind what she says. She's very ill_ ,” she explained, laughing lightly.

Jiwon knew it well, that she was ill. That what she was imagining was not real. But the way she screamed at them, and all the tears of terror streaming down her cheeks, that was very real. For some reason it really upset him to see that.

He left the room, following the nurse’s advice, who reassured him by saying she would take care of calming the patient. He remained motionless behind the door for ten seconds, and suddenly the screaming stopped. When the hallway regained its macabre silence, he resumed walking.

Seeing his pale complexion, Jinwoo allowed him to spend the end of the afternoon resting in one of the break room’s beds. As he laid down, Jiwon couldn't help but laugh at himself. He had ended up using one, but it had happened much earlier than he had previously imagined.

It was seven o'clock when Jisoo and Jaewon entered the room to wake him up. It was time to leave : most of the other students in the other departments had already left the hospital. On the way outside, his two comrades told him about their day, which surprisingly seemed to have been very different from his. Jisoo had attended a few consultations with one of Jinwoo's colleagues, and Jaewon had followed one of the nurses’ like her shadow.

They left the warm building behind to step in the cold of winter. Jiwon immediately tensed as the wind came in contact with his face. Junhoe was waiting a few meters away, scarf pulled all the way up to his eyes, hands tucked in his pockets. He greeted Jisoo and Jaewon, and quickly joined him.

“ _Saw a ghost or something ? You look as white and ugly as an albino rat’s ass._ _”_

Jiwon rolled his eyes and rubbed his hands together. He had only spent a few minutes outside, but the tips of his fingers were already starting to tingle. There was a small cough behind his back, and seeing Junhoe's petrified expression, Jiwon realized he had to turn around. So that's what he did, very slowly.

Hanbin, again, stood in front of him. As soon as he saw him, Jiwon forgot about the terrible day he had just went through. Stupidly, he smiled. The chestnut, dressed only in a sweatshirt covered in holes and a jacket thinner than a veil, trembled terribly. The tip of his nose had started to redden, along with his earlobes. His lips were dangerously blue. In his hands he held the red scarf he had given him, neatly folded. He handed it to him, not bothering to say anything.

Jiwon was dumbfounded for a second. Then the surprise dissipated, and regaining his innocent face he shrugged.

“ _Ah, that wasn’t yours ?_ _”_

Hanbin's eyebrows rose on his forehead. He could read the confusion on his features easily.

“ _I thought it was yours_ ,” Jiwon lied. “ _You can keep it. I don't know who it belongs to._ _”_

Seeing the offended look Junhoe was giving him, Jiwon was afraid he would start talking and reveal his lies. So he cut their discussion short, waved to Hanbin without adding anything, then grabbed his best friend and dragged him in the opposite direction.

“ _What the fuck is wrong with you ? That’s your scarf, you moron !_ _”_

Jiwon glanced back at Hanbin, who still hadn't moved and wasn't far enough away from Junhoe's exclamations to not hear them. He motioned for the latter to be silent, lifting one of his sore hands to his face. The sharp movement caused him some pain. His nose scrunched up.

“ _What. Your hands again ?”_

Junhoe dropped the subject of the scarf quickly, and his troubled expression switched to a worried pout. Jiwon had always had problems with blood circulation in the ends of his body. When it was cold, his hands and feet hurt him badly. Sometimes he was even unable to move them.

“ _It's okay_ ,” he assured, “ _it's just the cold, as usual.”_

His best friend sighed loudly, exasperated.

“ _Put on some gloves, seriously._ _”_

It was his turn to sigh. Junhoe always said that, even after all those winters they had spent together, and he always answered the same things to it.

“ _I don't have any gloves._ _”_

The tall brunette hit him on the back of the head. Jiwon tripped a bit and complained with a groan.

“ _Then buy some !_ _”_

Once again, their little comedy made the people around them laugh. They kept walking and bickering like children.

When Jiwon entered the comforting warmth of his family apartment, there was a sweet smell of meat in the air. Mouth watering, he dumped his things in the hallway, and headed straight for the kitchen. His mother, a bright pink apron tied behind her back, was cooking some very tasty-looking beef on a grill. Jiyeon, knife and fork in hand, looked like she wouldn’t be able to wait much longer.

“ _Jiwon, there you are !_ _”_

His mom gave him a radiant smile. Jiwon reached out and snuggled up against her, humming. Laughing, she stuffed a piece of grilled meat into his mouth. With her free hand, she stroked his hair tenderly.

“ _I guess your day was tiring ?”_

He nodded, a childish pout on his lips. Then he let himself be guided like a child to his chair. His little sister, just after being served, didn't pay them much attention.

“ _It's difficult, psychiatry._ _”_

He didn't need to explain why, his mother understood. He was a little relieved that he didn't have to repeat everything he had explained to Junhoe on the way. She didn't ask him any more questions, seeing that he didn't want to dwell on the subject. She just pampered him all evening. Even when he helped Jiyeon finish her homework before bedtime, she continued to gently stroke his hair. She only left him alone when he went to the youngest’s room to put her to bed. He went to his room just after.

The next day, he went to the hospital on his own. Jiyeon didn't have school, and their mother was still sleeping. Junhoe was going to drive there with his dad, and even if he had offered to take him with them, Jiwon had not dared to intrude on their bonding time. His best friend didn't see his father very often, so he preferred to give them the little time they were given to talk to each other, one on one.

He arrived about ten minutes early. Minho's threats were very effective. He was terrified of being late. And even if he dreaded the time he spent in the psychiatric ward terribly, even if he prayed not to go through the same hell as the day before, even if he did not want to be there... he had managed to drag himself all the way here for the sake of his internship.

He would have given anything to be in pediatrics alongside Hanbin.

He leaned against the hospital’s front door, trying as best he could to shelter himself from the wind. He rubbed his frozen hands together, trying to keep them nicely fueled with blood. Suddenly he felt someone pat him on the shoulder.

“ _Hey._ _”_

Someone’s voice reached him in a whisper. He recognized it immediately and turned around. Hanbin had arrived early too, and he was talking to him. The only answer to his call he could muster up was to stammer a few incomprehensible syllables, taken aback by his sudden appearance. The brown-haired man was wearing the scarf, and was looking at him with a placid, impassive air. The same he had constantly. He didn't seem in the least bit disturbed by his lack of eloquence.

“ _Put that on._ _”_

Hanbin shoved a pair of gray woolen mittens in his hands. Jiwon tightened his reddened fingers against the somewhat rough, but warm and comforting fabric.

“ _In exchange for the scarf._ _”_

Like the very first time he had spoken to him, Hanbin waited for Jiwon to answer him. The latter had trouble getting out the ‘thank you’ that was stuck in his throat. After his husky voice broke the silence, he watched him turn on his heel and walk away as if nothing had happened, speechless.

He looked down at the gloves. The knitting was awkward, and there were some flaws. With just a quick glance you could tell that it didn't come from a shop, and that it was the work of an amateur. Hanbin had knitted gloves for him ?

Jiwon pinched his lips to keep them from smiling, and put the mittens on one after the other.

“ _What the fuck. Now you really need to tell me what the hell is going on._ _”_

Junhoe had finally arrived too, and hadn't missed the short exchange he had had with the subject of his obsession. Looking outraged and slightly put off. Jiwon realized that he really needed to give him an explanation this time around.

“ _When did Mister Freeze start giving you gifts ?_ _”_

He refrained from laughing at the childish nickname his best friend gave Hanbin. The taller one didn't look like he wanted to have fun. He was extremely serious. This time he couldn't just dodge it.

“ _I can explain, but you better sit down, June._ _”_

Junhoe obeyed, tense. Jiwon took a seat next to him on the icy steps, and breathed in some fresh air. He stared at his mittens incessantly.

“ _Well, where do I begin..._ _”_


	4. hanbin ─ So close and yet so far apart

Hanbin ran back to the lobby, head down like an escaped fugitive. He wanted to bang his head against the wall, until he managed to forget Jiwon’s dumbfounded and confused look as he handed him those gloves. Forget the strange satisfaction he had felt when the oldest had received them in his red and trembling hands, when he had put them on without waiting for more than a second, his irises sparkling.

He bent his legs and crouched down on the floor. With his right hand he rubbed his exhausted eyes. He still couldn't believe he hadn't slept all night. As soon as he had gotten back, the day before, he had quickly had a bite to eat. Then taking advantage of his family's absence, he had quietly locked himself in his room. After pacing madly between his four narrow walls for about thirty minutes, he had, without further hesitation, pulled his finest gray woolen sweater from his worn-out wardrobe, and he had pulled it apart ruthlessly.

Only lit by his bedside lamp’s dull yellow glow, and without being able to get Jiwon’s red hands out of his mind, he had used up the last of his old-fashioned phone subscription to watch tutorials on the internet. Then he'd armed himself with two pencils, in place of knitting needles, and he had knitted the damn mittens all night. Instead of spending his precious time studying, reading or sleeping, he had knitted.

He hid his face in his hands and sighed deeply. He couldn't even regret his choice.

“ _Everything all right, Hanbin ?_ ”

He raised his head sharply, and his gaze met Minho's worried one. He stood up in a split second, ran his hands on his clothes to smooth them out, and nodded frantically.

“ _Yes, everything is fine._ ”

Minho raised his eyebrows suspiciously, but didn't insist. Resting a comforting hand on his shoulder, he smiled at him.

“ _Go first and change. I'll go get Junhoe.”_

Hanbin complied, and let the pediatrician pass by him. Before he left, he glanced back. Jiwon and Junhoe were sitting on the steps leading to the hospital’s entrance, and seemed engrossed in their conversation. He couldn’t but wonder what they were talking about.

In front of the iron lockers, all painted in the colors of the rainbow, Hanbin took off his thin jacket and sat down on the bright yellow bench behind him. For a moment he thought he could use some time to relax, alone in the pediatric ward’s changing rooms, and so he closed his eyes. Nose buried in the red scarf, he could only faintly perceive Jiwon's foreign scent, which was beginning to fade away, in favor of his own fragrance. Frowning he inhaled softly against the fabric, then reluctantly untied it from his neck.

He opened the creaky locker door assigned to him. Facing the tiny mirror he put on his lab coat, strewn with various childish stickers. The day before, the young residents of the pediatric department had had fun sticking them all over his back and torso. A faint smile stretched his lips, and his tired eyes narrowed imperceptibly. He stuffed a handful of candy in both of his pockets, and hung his badge around his neck.

Suddenly the door opened. He turned to see Junhoe, who had just entered. The tall brunette suddenly froze upon seeing him. He swallowed, visibly uncomfortable. Then he avoided his gaze very suspiciously, before rushing to his locker in a clumsy din. Hanbin did not try to understand the reason for his behavior. After all Jiwon and his best friend were as weird as they could be, and there was always some wacky explanation for their attitude.

He freed himself from the heavy locker room atmosphere, fleeing from Junhoe's insistent stares. As soon as he entered the main room, he smiled again. Mihi was sitting in her bed, her lower body tucked under the sheets, white beanie on her head. Around her small eyes there were some traces of exhaustion, which faded as soon as she saw him. His face lit up and he hurried to join her.

She had become attached to him and he had become attached to her. She was just a kid but she had already grown a lot. Because of her illness, because of all the time she spent in the hospital. She was talking to him about things an eight-year-old should never have talked about. He worried about the way she seemed so nonchalant about death, but couldn't bring himself to tell her to hang onto life.

Like the day before, he spent most of his time with her. For the rest, he followed Minho during his consultations, and observed the young patients with Junhoe. The doctor dealt more particularly with young children, although the service welcomed all minors, up to the age of eighteen. The teenagers were taken care of by one of his colleagues, a certain Seunghoon whom he had barely seen once in the hallway.

Minho was an amazing person. A righteous doctor, with a great sense of altruism and devotion to the Hippocratic Oath, who put all his time and energy into helping others. Into reassuring parents, ensuring that children recovered from their ailments as quickly as possible.

Hanbin worked hard. He could tell that his mentor liked him. He liked Junhoe too, but it was different. He took care of the tall dark-haired man as one watched a kid too dangerous for himself. But with him, he was more relaxed. He confided in him, he relied on him, he trusted him to perform certain tasks. Hanbin was proud of it, and felt flattered by it.

He had been so busy entertaining Mihi that he hadn't seen the morning go by. It was Junhoe who came to pick him up to remind him to go eat. He looked up, assured the little patient that he would be back soon, then followed the taller one, who had waited quietly at the door. They both walked down the long corridor to the large entrance hall. Without a word, without any formality. And he thought it was very good like that.

When they finally entered the cafeteria, it was packed. In addition to the few doctors who had managed to free themselves for an hour to grab lunch, it was the rush hour, during which the administration employees came down to eat as well. Adding the internship students, the lunchroom was swarming with people, going from table to table, trays in their hands, searching for a seat. The groups split up so they could sit down, and the waiting line was getting longer.

Hanbin noticed Jiwon in the middle of the mass. He wasn't particularly tall though, nor noisy at the moment. He was drowned in the middle of a crowd of starving people, trying as best as he could to defend the two places he had reserved at his table. Beside him was another guy in a white coat.

He snapped out of his torpor when Junhoe nudged him. Startled, he raised an eyebrow, and cast him a sideways look.

“ _Move ! We only have thirty minutes to eat, if I have to remind you.”_

Hanbin nodded. Junhoe was rude, but he wasn't wrong. And if he kept on daydreaming right in the middle of the line, he was going to be one of the many causes for the huge jam forming near the door.

They handed him a tray. Filled to the brim, the soup in the bowl threatening to scald him with every move, and the diced pork slipping out of its compartment, he struggled to make his way through the crowd. He started looking around, searching for a place to sit, like everyone else was. He was waiting for someone to get up, watching the trays, to see whether the table’s occupants were about to finish. He heard someone call out his name, voice piercing through the hubbub, and he froze. Jiwon had had two free seats at his table, and Junhoe was now taking one of them. He knew that if he chose to turn around, he would end up eating with the two idiots and this stranger at their table.

Jiwon called him another time. Hanbin wondered how many times he had heard him say his name. Not that many, actually. Surely because he was following him and avoiding him at the same time. As soon as Hanbin had realized it, and returned the attention, the brunette had ran away with his tail between his legs. As if he had done something wrong.

And maybe that was the problem with Hanbin. That he no longer considered Jiwon to be causing him harm. Whereas before, when he had started to feel his insistent gaze on his back, he had absolutely hated his interest in him. He had hated even the least of his attentions. He had gritted his teeth to endure his smiles and glances. Since when had he grown softer to him ? What had triggered all this tolerance and patience he felt towards him now ?

He turned around. Hot tray clutched in his stiff hands, he met Jiwon's irises and watched his face light up. A second later his bright eyes disappeared behind his eyelids forming tiny crescents and he was smiling.

Hanbin sat down at their table, to Junhoe's right. In front of him, the guy in the lab coat gave him a benevolent smile. He barely looked at his disheveled hair, and immediately his pupils went to the name embroidered on his pocket. Kim Jinwoo, a psychiatrist. He eyed Jiwon questioningly.

The older man looked away as soon as their eyes met. He lowered his head closer to his tray, and shaking a little, he stuffed into his mouth a gigantic spoon of steaming rice. Immediately he let go of the cutlery, which crashed clinking on its tray, covered his mouth and tilted his head back. He exhaled loudly, trying to cool the burning rice on his tongue.

Junhoe called him a moron and poured him a glass of water. Jiwon grabbed it and emptied it in one go. Jinwoo couldn’t stop laughing.

“ _So it’s… Hanbin, is it ?”_ Jinwoo asked him after he had finally stopped giggling.

The aforementioned nodded, a little taken aback. Jiwon, on the other hand, had just finished swallowing. Without further ado, he stuffed some more food between his lips.

“ _Jiwon told me a lot about you.”_

Jiwon jumped on his seat, and nearly choked. Folded in half, he somehow tried to get rid of his coughing fit. His best friend poured him another glass of water with a sigh.

“ _Jinwoo !”_ The concerned whisper-screamed, mouth half full and voice cracking.

The psychiatrist, a mischievous smile plastered on his face, gently patted the brunette's back to help him breathe.

“ _Don't worry. You only told me everything because I'm good at getting people talking.”_

Hanbin had been staring at Jiwon for quite a while. He wondered what that idiot had said. He had "told him everything" ? What could he have told him ? There was very little to say.

Without realizing it, he had started to stare at Jinwoo's hand, which was lingering on his back. The psychiatrist took it off right after, as if he had sensed something.

“ _We're glued to each other all day. He ends up telling me things_ ,” Jinwoo clarified, as if it was necessary.

Hanbin struggled to smile politely. He felt like Jinwoo was testing him, trying to get him to react. The way he was looking at him, like he was trying to decipher what was going on inside his head, made him extremely uncomfortable.

Maybe because he was afraid he would find something there, eventually.

Like the day before, Hanbin left aside the meat and fruits on his tray. He only filled his stomach with rice, vegetables and soup. A meal that more or less corresponded to what he could afford to have at home.

Jiwon hadn't left a single crumb on his tray. Sitting silently across from Junhoe, who also said nothing, the two best friends had kept eating and acting strangely. Jinwoo, ignoring the awkward atmosphere at their table, had been speaking to them and leading the conversation on his own.

Junhoe was the first to stand up. Ditching his friend, he left while muttering a few incomprehensible words. The psychiatrist, not having finished speaking to him, stood up abruptly and followed him, raising his voice, tray in hand.

Jiwon was frozen. Frustrated, Hanbin couldn't help but stare at him. He was paralyzed, in his huge black knitted sweater, over his forest green check pants. With one quick look, you could tell he was only wearing luxury brands. From his bright eyes, you could tell he was sleeping on a comfortable bed and mattress. From his silky black hair, his skin free of any blemishes. One glance and you could guess that he had everything ; a united family, without troubles, without bank account problems. He was the kind of person who could criticize the quality of a cafeteria meal, the kind of person who could refuse to eat the cheap meat on his plate, not because it looked too delicious, no, but because it wasn’t the first quality beef that he ate daily or something. He didn't have to work hard in college to keep his scholarship hanging by a thread, no need to get perfect scores on exams. He didn't need to worry how cold it was outside, or how long it would take for him to get to the hospital.

He had everything, and yet he was unable to speak in front of him. When they were left alone, he just froze and went dumb. He should have had the confidence of a king, the pride of a prince. But Jiwon was humble, and Hanbin intimidated him. Hanbin, a poor dude who didn't even have enough money to buy him gloves to thank him.

“ _What do you want ?”_ He blurted out, suddenly breaking the heavy silence.

Jiwon jumped at his calm tone. He turned his head in his direction, eyebrows raised, as if he couldn’t tell where he was coming from.

“ _You keep looking at me and helping me. You must want something.”_

Mouth agape, the brunette was stunned. Hanbin grew impatient. This whole situation was starting to annoy him.

“ _What do you want ? My biology notes ? Do you want me to write your internship report for you ? Or that I do the anatomy exam for you ?”_

He spelled out everything he could think of. In the end it all had to do with the university, with his brain. That was all he had, anyway.

“ _Or do you want me to help you cheat for the math exam ?”_

He was going nuts. Jiwon was driving him nuts. Because he was interested in him and his miserable little life, because he was helping him for some unknown reason and giving him hope. Because he gave him the impression that there was someone on his side, someone to support him, and that, in fact, was unbearable.

He _obviously_ wanted something in return. There was just no other explanation.

Jiwon's eyebrows knitted together and created little creases on his forehead. He looked devastated. Hanbin had the strange impression that he had spat the worst insults in his face.

“ _I just want to get to know you_ ,” he whispered.

Hanbin snorted, incredulous, and couldn't help but laugh a little.

“ _I just want to know what you like… what makes you happy… what you want.”_

The older one watched him, his irises sparkling. He had never heard him talk so low, so quietly. His thunderous voice and his laughter, all seemed like a lie. Suddenly Hanbin felt nauseous. And he wanted to convince himself that it was because of what he had just ate, but it wasn't. The problem was Jiwon. Jiwon, and how he made him feel.

“ _You want to know what I want ?”_

His opposite was stunned again, hands gripping the table.

“ _Leave me alone. Stop looking at me, stop helping me. Stay in your world and get out of mine.”_

Hanbin grabbed his tray and stood up from his chair. If Jiwon really cared about him, then it was only for a fleeting moment. After a few weeks, after finding out things about him, he would eventually get bored of him. There was nothing interesting, nothing exciting about him. His whole existence was pathetic.

Jiwon was like a kid, curious about his new toy. Then after having fun for a few hours, he would go get another one. Once his curiosity was satisfied, he would abandon him. All he had to do was to get rid of this growing attachment before it happened.

When he got back to the pediatric ward, he wasn’t feeling great and Minho noticed it immediately. So he had him sit down at the counter, with the secretaries and nurses in their pink gowns. He asked him to stay there and watch the way they spoke to parents, how they reassured them, how they informed them. He assured him that the social aspect was as important as the medical aspect, being a doctor, and he left him to go and take care of his patients.

Sitting on his stool, preoccupied, Hanbin’s brain went on and off while observing the nurses. He felt like he was shutting down every ten minutes like an old computer. Little by little his thoughts ended up drifting to something else, and he had to force himself to refocus.

He had rejected Jiwon to be at ease, to stop thinking about it, but he had never felt so uncomfortable and at fault before. His stomach, scrunched up, refused to stop tormenting him.

Night fell rapidly. He hadn't even seen the afternoon go by. He left after seeing Minho, who advised him to get some good rest. And even though Mihi looked like she wanted to tell him something, he didn't notice and walked out of the ward. He waited in the bathroom for about twenty minutes before leaving. He wanted to be sure Junhoe was gone, before he left the hospital. And that night, he successfully avoided Jiwon.

On the way to his neighborhood, an icy drizzle started falling from the black sky. When he got home, his hair was strewn with tiny drops of rain. He saw the faint glow of the yellow light bulb pierce through the translucent window. Standing in front of the door, under the blue tarpaulin that covered the damaged roof, he inhaled with difficulty. Even though he would have preferred to be alone that day, there was someone inside. He opened the door, which creaked horribly on its hinges.

“ _Ah, finally.”_

He looked at him with exhausted eyes. Hangyul, his brother, holding a child against his chest, stood in front of a pot of steaming soup. He put the potholder he held in his free hand back on the edge of the sink, and rocking his son gently, he sat down at the table.

“ _Mom told me she wasn't coming home tonight, and asked me to come see you.”_

Hanbin nodded, also settling down. He let his brother pour some soup into one of their cracked bowls, and push it over to him. He grabbed it and brought the steaming liquid to his lips. He noticed he was looking at the scarf around his neck, but he didn't ask any questions.

Hangyul had left their moldy environment to head straight into another. At nineteen he got a girl pregnant, had to stop his studies to become a teacher, and moved with her and the baby into one of Seoul's suburban areas. In another one of those rotting slums, horribly similar to the one where he had spent all his youth. He worked in a food packaging factory, a sterile place where he had a negligible role and where he did assembly-line work, only to put some food on the table. Their expenses continued to increase, but not their mediocre income. 

Maybe it was in order not to become like him that Hanbin had refused to talk to any of the girls who had approached him in the past. Maybe that was why he was determined to avoid contact with anyone during his studies.

His oldest came back to the family home from time to time, but he knew full well that it was not with pleasure. If he hated this place just as much as his little brother hated it, then he probably wished to stay as far away from it as possible. Although his other home was not some warm paradise, either.

Both exhausted, they didn't talk to each other much. They had a polite and short exchange ; they made sure that the other was doing well, that the dinner was to their liking. Hanbin did not approach his nephew, because he knew well that his brother didn’t like the idea of letting misery venture too close to his child. As if he was afraid it was contagious. But the kid had it in his blood, like his elder brother and himself, and that, he would never escape.

He left the table and took ten minutes to wash the dishes. Hangyul left without a word, before he was done. As if he was done with his bothersome duty, which he had been forced to do, and no longer needed to exert himself. Hanbin hadn’t held him back. After drying the bowls and cutlery, and preparing a portion for his mother, he turned off the light and went to his room.

He had planned to study most of the night, or at least try to get some work done on his report, but he was unable to concentrate. The fact that he did not have a computer made writing difficult, in addition to his preoccupied state. Exhausted from his previous night, he decided to give up and laid down on his uncomfortable bed. On his back, he stared at the damp ceiling for a few seconds, before looking down. When his eyelids closed, several bitter tears escaped from his eyelashes.

It was his instinct that woke him up. He opened his eyes, startled. It was still dark outside, but he could tell he had slept a long time. He immediately grabbed his phone, almost out of battery. With a sigh of relief, he realized that he wasn’t late. Still dressed, he stood up on his numb legs, and glanced at his reflection in his bedroom’s old mirror. His frozen hands grabbed the silky fabric of the scarf around his neck. This scarf that he wore constantly, to the point that it was unpleasant to take it off.

He untied it and placed it gently on her bed. In silence, so as not to wake up his mother who had to sleep after a complicated night shift, he left the precarious house to go to the garden. It was dark and the wind was freezing. Barefoot in the dust, he entered the old wooden cabin devoured by insects. He closed the door with the leather lace that served as a lock, and undressed in the coldness of a damp morning. He breathed out a whitish whiff in the frozen atmosphere, completely naked. On his skin, a multitude of tiny painful goosebumps tried to resist it. The icy water he used to shower was of no comfort as well.

Trembling, he dried himself off with the rough, scratchy towel that hung from one of the walls. Then he left the cabin, and went back to the dry coldness of his room as quickly as possible. He dressed in what he found presentable ; what didn't look like it had been eaten away by termites, or infested with humidity. He was about to put on the scarf, as if it had been more than natural. However he froze, and staring at the warm fabric, his throat tightened.

After saying such a thing to Jiwon, was he really allowed to wear it ?

He left the family house, his face solemn. For the first time in two days, the wind hit his bare neck, and he curled up on himself. The icy breeze brought a few tears to his eyes. When he finally caught sight of the gigantic hospital through the fog, he quickened his pace. He reached the top of the stairs, gasping for air, and glanced around. There was nobody. _He_ was nowhere. That morning, Jiwon was not there, and it was only him.

He crouched down and wrapped his arms around his chest. He wanted to cry. Maybe because he was terribly cold, certainly because he felt lonely.

When he heard the first other students arrive, he stood up. He pretended nothing had just happened, as he scanned the faces and focused on their voices to try and make out any sign of Jiwon. The square was flooded with people in no time. Enough so that he was stuck in the middle of a crowd, and that he couldn't see anyone.

He was pushed inside, forced to follow the other students. Once in the hall, he naturally isolated himself from the others. Suddenly Jiwon's somewhat hoarse voice echoed slightly in the lobby, and he found him in no time. A little surprised, he noticed that the brunette was not looking at him. Already grouped with his teammates from the psychiatry department, he had turned his back to him and was listening to Jisoo talk. From time to time he answered something, in a calm, almost disinterested tone.

Once again, Hanbin wanted to throw up. Since when had Jiwon's attention become so essential to him ? Vital to the point that his sudden neglect made him feel sick to his stomach ?

Minho made sure everyone was present as he took roll call. The different departments all went away one after the other. Hanbin watched Jinwoo take Jiwon with him. Soon after, his own mentor joined him and rested a hand on his shoulder.

“ _Let's go, Hanbin. We have a lot of work to do.”_

He nodded. Obediently, he followed the pediatrician to their locker room, where he changed out of his clothes in silence.

That morning he traded his role with Junhoe. The tall dark-haired man was responsible for staying near the reception, keeping an eye on the children playing, directing the parents and giving them advice based on what he knew. Hanbin had to follow Minho wherever he went.

They went from diagnosis to diagnosis. From a room where a single feverish child was isolated, to another where several less sick kids were gathered. Hanbin collected the patient files, and informed Minho about their specificities. Then the doctor made his diagnosis, prescribed medication, and recommended a certain diet to the nurses for their stay.

That day again, the doctor did not have lunch with them. He had a delicate surgery scheduled for midday. Hanbin went to the cafeteria, followed closely by Junhoe. He wasn’t particularly hungry, but he was far too poor to refuse a free meal.

He ate alone. Perhaps because he had joined the refectory much earlier than the day before, there were not many people. Jiwon was seated three tables away, across from Junhoe. To her right, smiling, was Jisoo, the girl he had been talking to before. She was incredibly pretty. Incredibly close to Jiwon.

And the older wasn't looking at him. Since the day before, he had not met his gaze once.

Hanbin swallowed, nauseous. He thought he was going to throw up everything he had just eaten.

He couldn't muster up the will to swallow more than three bites of his lunch. Trembling he got up and went to clear his tray. He threw it all in the trash, and seeing all the food he was wasting only made him sicker. Something was wrong with him.

He went back to the pediatric ward. In the tiny hall, he spent almost an hour tidying all the toys lying around, putting everything in order, and rearranging the books on their colorful bookshelf. Junhoe joined him, having visibly finished eating.

Minho returned a little later. From his satisfied expression, Hanbin could tell that the surgery had gone well. He asked him to spend some time with Mihi, as he did every day, and he complied.

The little one was in a room with two other patients, also connected to machines, constantly on an IV drip. When Hanbin got to her, he immediately noticed that something was wrong. He crouched down beside her bed. Seeing him, she smiled weakly.

He asked her what was wrong, and she remained silent. Her eyes glued to her legs, she pressed her lips together. As if she was trying to refrain from speaking. He grabbed one of her hands in his, and whispered that everything would be fine. He assured her that if she wanted him to keep it a secret, he wouldn't tell anyone.

Mihi was a lovely young child, and she liked him. That Hanbin knew. However, she shook her head, and refused to say anything to him. She didn't want to tell him what was bothering her, what was hurting her. The machine that recorded her heartbeat was quickening, and he was afraid she was withholding information that was essential for her health. Then her thin, tiny fingers gripped her thighs, through the fabric of her gown. Hanbin understood immediately.

“ _Let me take a look_ ,” he whispered, as calmly as possible.

He grabbed the edge of her quilt and lifted it slightly. He heard Mihi hold back a sob but he didn't stop. The winter sunlight revealed the secret the little one wanted so much to keep. Inside her thighs, her skin was strewn with tiny bruises, more or less recent. Most of them had turned blue, or yellow, or both.

Hanbin, confused, looked up at her. The machine to their right started beeping fast.

“ _Mihi, what is this ?”_

Several large tears rolled down Mihi's hollow cheeks, and suddenly she began to spasm. Her heart rate rose so high that the device measuring it beeped horribly loud. Then the cries of the child echoed and eventually overcame everything. Hanbin heard nothing more, nothing but the heartbreaking screams of this poor kid.

Minho entered the room with a huge crash. He pushed Hanbin away from the child, armed himself with his small pen flashlight, and lifted her eyelids to check her eyes.

“ _Hanbin, run and get Jinwoo !”_

He didn't even take time to think. Without waiting for a second he left the room and ran down the hallways of the pediatric ward, to find the psychiatrist. The screams were starting to die out in his back, but his ears kept ringing, and the adrenaline made him run a little faster. He was terrified and everything around him was a blur. He wasn't even sure he was going in the right direction.

When he pushed open the door to the psychiatric ward, he heard only an intense buzzing. Jiwon, standing in front of the counter, turned to him. For the first time since the start of the day, their eyes met.

Hanbin struggled to articulate the psychiatrist's name, but Jiwon immediately got it. He rushed to look for Jinwoo, and a short while later, the three of them were running all the way back.

He didn't really know how long, how many seconds had passed since he had left Mihi's room, but when they got back to it, she was still having her attack. Minho was holding her arms up, so that she wouldn't scratch her face, pull her hair, or pull out her IV.

Hanbin remained frozen on the threshold, the whole time Jinwoo and Minho were busy calming the little one. His eyes were flooded with tears and he had a hard time realizing what was going on.

The screaming and crying ceased after a few minutes. Jiwon, standing to his right, seemed much less disturbed by the events than he was. Certainly because after two days in the psychiatric ward, he had seen many incidents like this one.

Minho straightened up, wiped the sweat off his forehead, and sighed.

“ _We're going to put her in a room, all alone.”_

The nurses in the room nodded. It was a wise decision, taken for Mihi’s own good, and also for the children with whom she shared her current room.

“ _I need someone to stay with her tonight_ ,” the pediatrician added. “ _We can't leave her unattended for now.”_

Without hesitation, Hanbin raised his hand, and opened his mouth to volunteer.

“ _I can stay.”_

He turned to Jiwon, who had just offered to volunteer.

“ _You think you can last until morning ?”_

The brunette nodded immediately. He had rarely been so serious.

“ _I have a little sister fifteen years younger. I know how it is, I've done it before.”_

Upon hearing those words, Minho entrusted him with the task without giving it any further thought, then started to leave. Hanbin kept silent and retreated his hand, when Jinwoo noticed him.

“ _What if Hanbin stayed too ?”_

The pediatrician stopped, and turned in their direction.

“ _I think two people are better than one_ ,” Jinwoo added.

Minho raised an eyebrow.

“ _Is that okay with you, Hanbin ?”_

He nodded without a word. Everything was stuck in his throat. He was afraid he would stammer if he opened his mouth.

“ _Good, then.”_

With these words his mentor left the room, gesturing them to follow him. Two nurses started moving Mihi's bed to one of the empty rooms. They stopped at the reception desk, and Minho leaned against it. He extended an arm over to reach the desks behind, and grabbed two pagers, which he then handed out to them.

“ _If there’s a problem, you alert me. Since there are two of you, I expect you to notify me immediately if there is any trouble.”_

They nodded diligently. Jinwoo, smiling, returned to his ward.

Night fell at a disconcerting speed. Hanbin sat down by Mihi's bedside, in the bedroom covered with stickers and drawings. Running out of battery on his phone, he didn't bother to tell his mother that he wouldn’t come home. Jiwon slipped away for five minutes to explain the situation to his family. Pupils glued on the child's face, Hanbin tried to look for the slightest sign of discomfort.

At around 9 p.m., one of the nurses brought two sandwiches and a bottle of water for them, right before clocking out. Polite, the two boys thanked her, then filled their stomachs for the night, even though they had little appetite.

Hours passed, and they said nothing to each other. Hanbin hadn't expected them to chat happily all night long, but they hadn't even exchanged a single word. Jiwon was acting like a totally different person, someone he didn't recognize. And actually, it helped him realize that he didn't know much about him in the first place.

It was three o'clock when fatigue, discomfort and anxiety started to make his hands tremble. Very lightly dressed, he was horribly cold. He was exhausted. But the guilt of causing Mihi's panic attack, and the tension between him and Jiwon kept him wide awake. His pager clutched between his fingers, he was on constant alert.

Jiwon was sitting still, arms crossed in his chair. His closed expression imposed some distance between them. He didn't seem to be falling asleep, and showed no signs of tiredness.

Hanbin pulled back a bit, and rubbed his arms to warm himself up. Suddenly Jiwon’s eyes met his. He froze.

The older boy waited a short while, doing nothing, as if weighing the pros and cons. Finally he closed his eyelids, exhaled slowly, then uncrossed his arms. He took his back off his chair. He then took off his large beige knit turtleneck, and handed it to him. Hanbin was dumbfounded for a moment, looking at the heavy fabric he was presenting to him.

“ _I'm not asking you for anything in return. No gloves, no notes, no nothing. Just take it, please_ ,” Jiwon begged.

So Hanbin reached out, and grabbed the sweater with an almost inaudible 'thank you'.

If Jiwon really wasn't interested in his grades, then what did he want from him ? Why was he watching him ? Why was he helping him ?

His inner thoughts were interrupted by a nurse coming in. Dressed in her colorful uniform and well rested, she seemed to have just clocked in. She spoke to them in a quiet whisper, in the same voice she used to talk to young children. Maybe because he and Jiwon were still kids after all.

“ _Boys, it's five o'clock. I'll take over, you should go to sleep.”_

She handed them two blankets, and guided them to the break room. There were four beds inside, all empty. Like a mom, she tucked them into bed, then made sure they were all comfortable. Finally, she turned off the lights and closed the door silently.

Hanbin, lying on his back, hadn't had time to put on Jiwon's sweater, but he held it tightly against him. There were several minutes of silence. This time, the atmosphere was not heavy.

Then, in a whisper, Jiwon's warm, familiar voice lit up through the darkness.

“ _I just want to take care of you, Hanbin.”_

Hanbin swallowed, hugging the turtleneck to his chest. He couldn't figure out what that meant. No one had ever taken care of him. Neither his mother, nor his father, nor his brother. He had always fended for himself, because he had never had any other choice. He had always resolved his conflicts in his solitude, and he had never had anyone to support him. No one was on his side.

Jiwon wanted to _take care_ of him.

He found it hard to breathe out, as each breath struggled to escape from between his lips.

“ _You'll never be alone again, I promise. You’ll never be cold again. Let me be with you.”_

And maybe it was the darkness of the room, or the comforting sound of a familiar voice, or the recognizable scent against him. Maybe it was the unexpected words Jiwon was whispering to him, maybe it was because he wanted to believe them.

Maybe it was out of interest, he didn’t fucking care after all.

He would have given him his biology notes, he would have written his internship report for him, he would have done his anatomy exam... he would have helped him cheat for the math exam, if he had asked for it. Jiwon wanted to be near him and it was such a strange thing. This Jiwon who had been watching him for months without saying anything, this Jiwon he had been watching for months without saying anything.

Hanbin closed his eyes, suddenly the knot in his stomach untied itself.

“ _Alright.”_


	5. jiwon ─ Warm rays on your skin, a cold winter day

Jiwon sharply opened his eyes, awakened by the awful feeling that he had missed something. For a second he had to actually remember where he was, what he had been doing all night. The room, where he and Hanbin had fallen asleep after their short exchange, was barely lit by the faint rays of the winter sun. He stayed still for a moment, staring at the slats of the bed above his, realizing what he was doing. Or rather, not doing.

Immediately horror made him get up. Taking a deep breath he grabbed his phone from the nightstand between Hanbin's bed and his. He tried to turn it on, but the screen refused to light up. It was out of battery. So his pupils drifted over to the little black clock hanging on the wall. It was past eight thirty. Suddenly his heart began to echo in his head. He stood up abruptly, almost hitting his head on the bunk bed. He crouched down next to Hanbin, who was sleeping peacefully, face buried in his sweater, and shook him a little.

“ _Hanbin… Hanbin.”_

The chestnut, still exhausted, struggled to emerge from his slumber.

“ _Holy shit, Minho is going to gut us. We’re fucking late.”_

Hearing the taboo word, that word the pediatrician hated the most, Hanbin instantly opened his eyelids. As he sat up, Jiwon grabbed their shoes. He awkwardly forced his feet inside his. The youngest, still half asleep, was significantly less productive. So Jiwon knelt at his feet, tied his laces, and helped him put on the knit sweater he had given him the day before. He grabbed him by the arm to help him get up, and he pulled him out of the break room without even bothering to look at himself in the mirror.

When they arrived in the lobby, they were about fifteen minutes late, but all the other students were still present. Minho was stuffing his folded roll call sheet away in his lab coat’s pocket. Jiwon, dragging Hanbin by the arm, hoped that they could slip quietly into the crowd.

They hadn't even made it halfway to the group, when the doctor noticed them. He turned to them, and all the other students did the same. Jiwon stopped, keeping Hanbin hidden behind his back. His plan had just gone down the drain.

“ _Jiwon and Hanbin… the latecomers.”_

Minho looked exasperated. Certainly because he knew exactly why they were late, and had expected it. Jiwon didn't even have to be able to read minds to guess what he was thinking. They had a good reason for not waking up on time, and it was only fifteen minutes, given the consequences, but… he had to set an example.

“ _Go to the storage room. Take cleaning supplies, gloves and masks.”_

Jiwon felt Hanbin tense up behind him. Their comrades began to whisper, an incredible hubbub rising in the hall.

“ _You're going to clean the archive room.”_

And as Minho had promised a few days earlier during his warning speech, he punished them for coming in late. With that, he and the students scattered to join their respective wards.

Jiwon waited until everyone had left before he turned to Hanbin. The youngest, disheveled hair and traces of the pillow still imprinted on his cheek, emanated an aura of fatigue from miles away. He had never seen him in such a state. Slowly he slid his fingers through his short, unruly locks, trying to comb it up a bit. The chestnut leaned his head in his hand, eyes closed, with that reflex strangely similar to a cat’s. It seemed to him that he had lowered all his barriers, after agreeing to being together.

Hanbin lacked tenderness, lacked attention. He needed to be taken care of, supported. As soon as they had both accepted that, everything had started to change.

Jiwon guided him to the tiny cramped room, where mops and brooms, smelly buckets and cleaning products were piled up. Almost tripping over a pile of damp old rags, he grabbed two pairs of gloves, masks, and dusting kits, as Minho had ordered them. Then they both made their way to the archives room, which they took very little time to find. The entrance was behind the large reception desk in the lobby. After going through the door, all they needed to do was to take the same corridor as the administration employees, and go all the way to the end. Where everything was dark, where there were no windows, quite simply.

Standing in front of the entrance highlighted with eight iron casted letters, yelling a passive-aggressive 'ARCHIVE', Jiwon sighed. Hanbin seemed to be realizing their situation, too. He helped him put on his mask, hooked his to his ears, then pushed open the heavy wooden door.

Inside everything was dark. Even after Jiwon had turned on the light, it was difficult for them to clearly see everything around them. The door, as it closed, sent a gust of wind inwards which launched a monstrous amount of dust into the air. The small particles rose into the void, and as if immune to gravity, they remained suspended there. Jiwon scanned the place. The shelves, covered with cardboard boxes filled to the brim with files, overflowed on all sides, and were all sprinkled with the same damn dust. As if under a veil, everything was gray. The floor crunched under their feet, their eyes burnt them. If the health inspection had put only one foot in this room, they would have had the entire hospital close down : it was that bad.

There was no window to air it out, nor to bring in some natural light. They were basically stuck in a dark, dusty box. And they were supposed to tidy it up : so that's what they set out to accomplish. There was so much to do, the hardest part was to get started. But as soon as they decided on a place to begin with, a task to do first, they fell silent and decided to get it over with as soon as possible.

They started by picking up whatever was lying on the floor. Pens emptied of their ink or abandoned in perfect condition, crumpled, trampled documents, the contents of which were almost always erased, old cigarette butts, in a corner obviously dedicated to smoking in secret, pairs of latex gloves and other used surgical masks… they found leftover delivery meals, coffee cups filled with mold… They threw everything they picked up, without sorting anything. Because after all, if it had been left here all this time, then it hadn’t been needed in a while, and no one would miss it.

Then it came to dusting the whole room. And maybe because of the astronomical amount of particles, or because of the allergic reaction Jiwon was having, and surely for those two reasons… they took forever to get rid of this problem. As it was constantly dark in this room, they had run out of battery on their phones, and there was no direct view to the outside, they did not see the day pass. Both focused on their work, wishing to be done with this whole endeavor as soon as possible, they did not speak and they worked very hard. They missed lunch, and also the evening gathering.

Minho came to pick them up around eight o'clock. He stepped inside cautiously, as if afraid that a box would fall on top of his head, or that dust would get into his eye. Suddenly his worried features relaxed, and surprise lit in his eyes.

“ _What, you're already done with everything ?”_

Jiwon, sticky with sweat, face blackened, let out an annoyed sigh.

“ _No, all the shit in the back still needs to be put back in place.”_

Hanbin nodded silently, not having the strength to articulate anything. They had put all the boxes away from the shelves, and had stacked them in a corner of the room, while they cleaned up. The furniture, the floor and the ceiling were immaculate, however.

“ _You did a good job_ ,” complimented Minho. “ _You’ll do the rest tomorrow, go home.”_

Jiwon glanced at the smartphone the pediatrician was holding, and was surprised at how late it was. His mother was surely freaking out, and Jiyeon was probably dying to see him. Hanbin, however, was not in the least upset by the situation.

The three of them came out of the archives room. Minho stayed away, just so no dust would end up clinging to him, smiling.

“ _Don't be late tomorrow morning.”_

Teasing, he made a movement to slap Jiwon on the back, but stopped before the impact. He brought his arm back to himself with a small laugh.

“ _All you have left to do is sort out all the files, and put them back on the shelves, right ? Should be quick.”_

And with these words, without giving them time to process the information, he let them behind and returned to his service. Jiwon, motionless, closed his eyelids for a second to calm down.

“ _Because we're supposed to sort this mess out, too ?”_

Hanbin had a weak smile on, which he lost when he remembered the gargantuan pile of dirty files.

They both left the building. The sky outside was a deep black and cloudless. Right in the middle of this nothingness, there was only the curved shape of a yellowish moon. Hanbin rubbed his eyes, blinded by the light from the streetlamps, aimed at them. Jiwon, soft, tried as best he could to help him get rid of the fibers that had attached themselves to his clothes, his face and his hair. While he succeeded, everything he removed from the youngest ended up sticking to him. But he kept going anyway.

Suddenly, from the parking lot, a car flashed its headlights at them. Jiwon recognized his mother's red SUV, and realized that she had come to pick him up. She had probably waited for hours. He let go of the younger's shoulders, coughing weakly.

“ _We can drive you back home, if you want,”_ _he_ suggested timidly.

The chestnut, taken aback, glanced at the big shiny car. Then he lowered his head and politely declined. Jiwon dared not insist. He didn't want to force him, or make him uncomfortable, or seem intrusive. So he reasonably let him go.

He shook himself before climbing into the vehicle. Once he was seated, his mom greeted him with a relieved look. She had been waiting for him since six. She had entered the hospital’s lobby once, had given her name to the two reception secretaries, but they hadn’t helped her in any way. So she had come out and had tried to call him several times, only getting to his voicemail. So she had been patiently waiting behind the wheel, anxious.

She started the car after making sure that he was okay, that he wasn't hurt anywhere, that he wasn't too tired. Jiwon laughed ensuring her that everything was fine, and he managed to convince her completely after about ten minutes.

On the way, the car's powerful headlights lit up a silhouette he recognized far too well. They passed by Hanbin, walking slowly with his back bent, and Jiwon couldn't help but look at him. He watched him until he couldn't make out his figure in the dark anymore.

“ _Is he a friend ?”_

His mother, eyebrow raised and smirking, cast him a mischievous glance.

“ _What ? Who ?”_

Jiwon, surprised, swallowed hard. He forced himself to tear his pupils away from the chestnut’s chilled body, and tried hard to get back to his senses.

“ _The boy you were with._ _”_

He had understood from the start that she wanted to talk about Hanbin, but he would have preferred to avoid the subject. He wasn't even sure what to answer if she started asking him questions.

“ _Uh, yeah. He’s a friend.”_

His mother's smile widened. She took her right hand away from the steering wheel, and slipped it absent-mindedly through her son's hair.

“ _He looks like a nice boy.”_

Embarrassed, Jiwon focused on what was going on through the window.

“ _Yes… unlike Junhoe_ ,” he chuckled, mocking his best friend to relax.

His mother laughed, and pulled her hand away from his dark locks. She had known his best friend since they were young children, and she knew for a fact what kind of rascal he was, but she still loved him like she had given birth to him.

Jiwon would have managed to avoid talking about the sensitive subject of how important Hanbin was to him without much effort, if he had wished to ; however his mother had kindly made him understand that she was open to talk about it, to listen to him if he needed it, and he could not refrain from confessing a little more.

“ _He's my school’s valedictorian. He's super smart, and he loves kids. Just like you, actually.”_

Having regained her serene expression, she listened to him talk about Hanbin, and what he knew about him. She gently gave him advice so as to not be too intrusive, not to rush him. The chestnut boy was rather shy and an introvert ; quite the opposite of what he was. And he was afraid he would scare him away, if he suffocated him with his extra personality.

They continued their chat in the parking lot of their building, then in the elevator, all the way to their doorstep. They were close enough to talk about anything and everything, to share their respective secrets. They tackled sensitive subjects as well as trivial ones, those on which they did not agree, those on which they had a common opinion. Jiwon just didn’t realize how lucky he was, to get along this well with his family, to be this close to his mother, and to his sister. To him, there was nothing easier than that.

As soon as they entered the living room, Jiyeon jumped off the couch she was sitting on, ran up to him and threw herself into his arms. He grabbed her under the shoulders, lifted her off the floor, and put an arm under her legs to hold her against him. Seungyoon, their neighbor, a doll in his right hand and another one in his left hand as well, also stood up. When neither Jiwon nor his mother were available to keep an eye on Jiyeon, the young man kindly helped them out for a few hours. In return, his mother gave him money and food for months. That day again, she offered him half of the refrigerator’s contents and sent him home after thanking him a thousand times.

Jiwon was gently rocking Jiyeon, already dozing off, back and forth. On the table was a half-finished plate of mashed potatoes, and a nearly empty glass of water. Seungyoon had obviously made her dinner. He put her to bed in her messy room. Then he closed the door gently behind his back.

He quickly took a shower, more efficient than ever before. He was hungry. That evening he had dinner on the sofa, with his mother, in front of a feel-good comedy series, to put them in a good mood. His mother quietly sipped her red wine, then picked from the package a few barbecue-flavored chips, and stuffed a handful of them into her mouth. He did like her, bringing the neck of his beer bottle to his lips, stuffing himself with cherry tomatoes and cheese crackers. Every now and then, eating snacks in front of the TV didn’t do no harm.

They commented on the different characters, the absurd scenario, the sometimes questionable humor. They would tell each other funny anecdotes, pass each other the different packages of savory snacks, exchange their drinks. They finished their impromptu brunch at around one in the morning.

Jiwon woke up before eight, lying on the sofa. His mom was still asleep on his left. Without wasting any time, he stood up to get prepared. He really couldn't be late again. He covered her in a pink plaid, then left.

When he got out, Junhoe was waiting for him downstairs. He hadn't told him beforehand, hadn't pestered him with messages to make him hurry. He didn't complain when he saw him either. He had been acting a little weird, since he had learnt about Hanbin, even though he was doing his best to stay normal. Maybe it made him feel uncomfortable, or maybe he had a hard time understanding. Jiwon knew perfectly well what he was feeling. He also knew they were going to have to talk about it sooner or later, but he still hadn't found the energy to answer all of his questions.

They arrived on time. Most of the students had already gone inside. Jiwon let Junhoe keep going without him, when he saw Hanbin standing at the top of the steps. Wrapped up in his scarf, and his sweater. The chestnut, his hands in his pockets, didn’t move. He looked really cold, but he was still waiting.

A second later, he looked up, his red face popped out of the scarf a little, and he noticed him. At that moment, Jiwon knew. He knew who he had been waiting for : it was him.

He joined him immediately. Hanbin greeted him with a considerably less distant expression than usual. Jiwon did his best to discreetly show him that he was wearing his gloves. He knew he had succeeded when the chestnut’s eyes creased gently at the corners. He felt like his heart was going to explode. He was standing next to him, he was walking alongside him. They each wore something that belonged to the other, and they breathed the same air.

They joined the other students in the hall. Minho was already standing in front of the crowd, in his lab coat, his crumpled list in hand. Looking as if he never ever went home. Seeing them, he cast them a discreet wink, smiled at them, and signaled that they could already leave. They did instantly, almost in a hurry to go back to the infamous archives room. They took refuge from the noisy students, in this room which was much less unpleasant now than it had been the day before. Miraculously, they could breathe there without feeling like their lungs were set aflame, and go around without being afraid of getting dust particles stuck on their cornea.

Jiwon dropped his bag on the wooden table, and collapsed onto one of the chairs with a high screech. Hanbin slowly settled in the seat in front of him. They looked at each other for a minute, or maybe more, not knowing what to say. They had always observed each other from afar, never approaching each other, never trying to communicate. Now that they had the chance to, they were both silent.

Jiwon was the first to pull himself together. He got up, went to get two boxes filled to the brim, and dropped them at their feet.

“ _Let’s get to work ?_ ”

Hanbin nodded as an answer. As they had done the day before, they went back to work diligently.

Minho had seemed to think that sorting the files would be quick, but they were both realizing the opposite. They kept going back and forth between the different tables, the oddly and randomly labeled shelves, and the too many boxes they had left to unpack. In some files, few sheets were missing ; so they left them aside, at least while they went through the others, thinking that they would end up finding the lost ones. But the table was getting messier and nothing had been tidied up.

Jiwon’s retinas were hurting. He wanted to pluck his hair out. Slumped on the table, his face resting on his palm, he was taking a break yet again. Eyes glued on Hanbin’s serene features. He looked extremely focused, as he read and sorted relentlessly. It was like he was possessed, in a trance. The brunette had been trying to get his attention for several minutes, but he was totally absorbed in his task. So he didn't dare to disturb him. He let him work until his stomach ached. Until hunger twisted his guts.

“ _Hanbin...”_

The aforementioned, suddenly brought back to reality, jumped slightly. Jiwon, face flattened against the table, did not see him raise his head towards him.

“ _Bin, I'm starving_ ,” Jiwon complained like a child.

He didn't see him smile, either. He heard him push the files in front of him to the side, though.

“ _We can go eat.”_

Simple and efficient, just like his personality. Jiwon looked up, having suddenly regained his energy. He grabbed his bag, hoisted it on his back, and followed the chestnut who was already ready to head into the cafeteria. He held him back before he opened the door, fingers gripping at his wrist. For a second the thinness of his arm shut him up.

“ _Come with me_ ,” he said at last, after regaining his composure.

He pulled him along with him, and led him upstairs. Right before heading to the psychiatric ward, there was a sort of little rest area, with armchairs, ottomans and tables. It was illuminated by a gigantic windowed facade, which offered them a breathtaking view of Seoul and its countless lights, plunged in the fog.

Hanbin sat down on one of the colorful ottomans, inches away from the freezing glass. Jiwon stared at him silently, hypnotized by his irises’ ruby-like color, by his serene features.

“ _Didn't you say you were hungry ?”_

The chestnut haired boy had said these words softly, without taking his eyes off the cityscape. He seemed to be enjoying the view. Jiwon remembered what they had come to do, and took out from his bag the two sandwiches he had previously prepared that very morning. He handed one to Hanbin, who accepted it confusedly, and let him choose between one of the two cans of soda he had brought.

“ _You never look at ease when you eat at the cafeteria. I figured that today, we could just enjoy a little quiet.”_

The younger diverted his attention from the outside, to focus on the sandwich in his hands, wrapped in foil. Slowly, as if afraid of tearing it off, he removed the wrapper from his lunch, and took a first bite.

Jiwon would have sweated profusely if it had not been for the icy cold glass window against his arm. Hands shaking with apprehension, he waited until Hanbin had eaten a good half of his meal before he managed to swallow anything of his. With his free hand, he opened their two sodas.

“ _Thank you_ ,” Hanbin whispered.

The brunette lowered his head, his heart echoing all the way up to his head. He didn't know why he was thanking him, but it felt so good.

He ate at a disconcerting speed, again. In three bites he had already finished eating his sandwich. His opposite chewed quietly while looking outside. When he did, his jaw contracted and popped a few small veins on his temples. Jiwon was so obsessed by him that even that he found fascinating.

They spent a pleasant hour relaxing, taking in the sunlight, albeit dim. They felt much better here than in their dark room. Then they paid Mihi, who seemed to be doing much better, a short visit. As she was still tired, they did not stay long.

They had to finish their work, and that Hanbin wasn't going to let him forget. Jiwon dragged himself behind the chestnut on the way back. He didn't want to go back, but he didn’t want to let Hanbin get too far away from him, so he followed closely. As soon as he stood more than a meter away from him, he reduced the distance between their two bodies and made sure he didn't get left behind.

They sat down quietly at their table, under the yellow light bulb. Hanbin audibly swallowed.

“ _I can't stay late like last night. I need to study.”_

Jiwon, hanging from his lips, was speechless for a moment.

“ _I'm going to work now_ ,” added the youngest.

It took him a minute to understand what he was trying to tell him. Immediately a blissful smile stretched his features. Hanbin was justifying himself. Because he didn’t talk to him a lot, because he was focused on his task, without allowing himself any distractions. He had certainly noticed that Jiwon was trying to chat with him, to get his attention. He didn't want to hurt him, so he was explaining to him the reason for it.

Jiwon thought he was adorable.

He didn't want him to be late because of him, so he snapped out of it and went back to work. He always did well, he just needed something to motivate him. And Hanbin was good at getting him worked up.

They kept an eye on the clock this time. So when it was six, they were about to end. Hanbin was putting the files in clean boxes, and Jiwon was placing them back on the shelves correctly. They finished fifteen minutes later.

The youngest did not stay any longer than necessary in the room. Immediately he grabbed his worn bag, hoisted it onto his back, and started to leave. He didn't wait for Jiwon, probably because he knew full well that he would follow him.

And that is indeed what he did. The brunette came running after him. As he was about to close the door, he banged one of the dressers that lined the walls of the room. The tiny furniture let out a whiny screech. He caught a glimpse of a few files, slipped under the cabinet. A few white sheets had come out in the light.

“ _You coming ?”_

He glanced back. Hanbin had stopped, and turned around. Motionless, he waited for him to catch up to him. So Jiwon kicked off the files and hid them back in the dark, under the dresser. He told himself that they'd worked hard enough already, and that no one would need those documents anyway. That if no one saw them, no one would know. Then he closed the door and ran over to his classmate.

They took their sweet time to part, once outside. They didn't understand why, neither one nor the other. Jiwon was looking up, although there was clearly nothing to see, since it was horribly dark, and there weren't even any stars. He had no idea what he was doing.

He felt Hanbin pat his shoulder. He lowered his head. The youngest had taken his phone out of his pocket. It was an old, partially tactile screen that you could slide up to reveal the tiniest keypad. He squinted at it. He hadn't seen one like that since he had been thirteen.

“ _Your number.”_

Hanbin, tense, sounded like it was difficult for him to speak. He seemed to have rarely socialized so much. Jiwon smiled, moved. He was afraid of sounding condescending, so he didn't crack a joke about his phone. Although he would never have meant anything bad, he knew that his inappropriate jokes could sometimes hurt.

He grabbed his own phone from his pocket. It was one of the latest models. While grasping Hanbin's, he unlocked his and gave it to him. The chestnut received the object carefully between his hands. He didn't seem to know what to do with it. He held it like it was going to slip through his fingers at the slightest movement. He was probably afraid of damaging it. He didn't try to explain to him how it worked.

He entered his number in the almost empty contacts folder. There were only two numbers saved : "mom" and "Hangyul". When his name registered in, he felt his stomach twist, and he pinched his lips to keep himself from smiling. It felt better than an adrenaline rush. Better than jumping into the void hanging only by the feet. It was electrifying, this sensation.

Once he was done - and had calmed his restless mind, he handed Hanbin his phone back. The latter took a while to be done, but Jiwon waited until he managed to. He could have explained to him which application to launch, how to add his number, how to confirm… to go even faster, he could have added him to his contacts himself. But what he knew better than anyone was that the chestnut liked to do things on his own. He liked to understand how things worked. And he would never have deprived him of the satisfaction he had just felt himself, if he ever could be as happy as he was right now.

He got his phone back. Hanbin's eyes were suddenly shining with tears, the icy wind having brought a few translucent pearls to his lashes.

“ _If you text me, I’ll answer.”_

The brunette nodded. Hanbin had just told him implicitly that he would not take the first step. And it didn't bother him. After so many days of chasing him, trying to get to him… he could just keep going for a bit.

They parted. He returned home in a good mood.

The next day, he didn't have to wake up early : it was Saturday. Jiyeon was lying next to him, wrapped like a burrito in her baby blue blanket, adorned with a multitude of illustrated doggies. He turned to look at the time, one arm trapped under his sleeping sister's body. It was ten in the morning. His mother had probably left to go to her office early, and had most likely put the little one in his bed.

He was forced to get up, as their doorbell started buzzing. He lifted Jiyeon off the bed, held her to his chest with one arm. He walked down the stairs all the way to the entrance, and with his free hand he unlocked the lobby’s door for Junhoe.

His best friend took a few seconds to get there. Before he could even knock, Jiwon opened the door and let him inside.

“ _Jiyeon, my cute kitty !”_

He handed Junhoe his sister like handling a package. She rubbed her tired eyes to wake herself up, then immediately began to speak. He left them in the living room to go get dressed. He didn't bother to shower or to do his hair. He just brushed his teeth as lazily as possible, sitting on his bed. Just enough not to asphyxiate Junhoe every time he would open his mouth. Then he found them on the couch, and they spent the whole morning watching cartoons. A normal weekend.

At noon their mother came home from the office, fast food in hand. As usual she had foreseen Junhoe's presence, and had ordered food for him too. They ate while chatting. Jiyeon was always excited when Junhoe came by. It wasn't every day, but it was regularly.

He looked at Jiyeon, eating her nuggets, trying as best she could not to stain her clothes with ketchup. Junhoe wiped her mouth every time, doting, never holding back from showing his love for the kid.

“ _Mom_ ,” Jiwon suddenly intervened. “ _What did I look like when I was born ?”_

Junhoe’s face distorted in exaggerated disgust, as if he didn't want to know, and Jiwon laughed succinctly. He had started to wonder about that while looking at his little sister. Had there ever been a time in his life he had looked as adorable as she was ? Or had he always been a big brute ?

“ _You were the cutest baby when you were first put in my arms. There wasn't one cuter than you. You were so tiny and fragile.”_

His best friend snorted, nearly spitting out his sprite through his nose. He didn't hold it against him. He, too, found it hard to believe.

“ _Me ? Cute, tiny and fragile ?”_

This time Junhoe spat into his glass. Jiyeon exploded in a cute giggle.

“ _Yeah_ _!_ ” his mother assured, also laughing. “ _Who would have imagined that you would become this big and scary !”_

Jiwon decided that maybe it was better to leave the topic aside. A little more and he would really believe that he had been adopted, and that his mother was feeding him bullshit.

In the afternoon, from the moment she took over, the two boys left Jiyeon to her coloring, and climbed upstairs. They wallowed on the couch in his bedroom, grabbed two controllers, and relapsed into a video game session they knew was going to last for hours.

While playing, they talked about everything and nothing. It didn't take long for Jiwon to start rambling about Hanbin. Junhoe was answering less and less, but he kept going, because he knew there was no better time to talk about it, than when his best friend was losing miserably.

The round ended, Junhoe loosened his arms and rested his controller on his legs.

“ _Fuck that. Hanbin, Hanbin, Hanbin… you gay or what ?”_

Jiwon restarted another game without giving him a moment to rest. The question upset him a lot less than he had previously expected.

“ _Why so shocked ? Aren’t you ?”_ he retorted.

His best friend paused everything, and turned to him.

“ _What ? Who told you that ?”_

He chuckled and restarted the game.

“ _When Jinhwan talks to you, you turn into a mollusk. You wag your tail at him like a good doggo to his favorite hooman, and you want me to believe you're not gay ?”_

Junhoe's eyes were threatening to pop out of his sockets. He pressed pause again.

_“What the hell ? That’s not true !”_

The words got stuck in his throat for a minute. He took some time to pull himself together. He did not succeed.

“ _I just like talking to him ! I'm not a fucking fag.”_

Jiwon stabbed him in the ribs with his elbow.

“ _Hey, be careful of what you say.”_

Junhoe immediately felt guilty, and his offended expression stiffened down, though still noticeable.

“ _I'm not gay. That's all.”_

Jiwon nodded and didn't insist. He had a feeling that Junhoe was trying to persuade himself, more than to convince him. And there was no point in forcing him to take responsibility all of a sudden. It wasn’t his intention to suddenly out him.

There were a few seconds of silence. Only the noise coming from the somewhat violent video game occupied the silent room. The tension had subsided.

Jiwon, focused on the screen, slowly exhaled.

“ _Well, I think I am.”_


	6. hanbin ─ For as long as I am by your side

Hanbin was lying in bed, wrapped in his scarf and face down on the quilt on that foggy Sunday morning, when Jiwon's first text rattled his outdated phone. He sat up so quickly on his mattress that his head started spinning. He sat cross-legged, closed his eyes for a second to pull himself together and accustom them to the whitish light filtering through his poorly insulated window, then he opened it.

 _You studying ?_ , that was all that was written. He glanced at his notebook, open at a random page on his desk. He had looked at it quickly the day before, and hadn't touched it since. He had tried hard to get to work, but he had failed to focus.

He swallowed, motionless for a moment, which seemed endless. He didn't know what to say to look normal, not to look cold, not to make the other think he was bothering him.

 _No_ , was what he answered. He carefully avoided adding a period at the end. During the time he had been in high school, he had heard two other teenagers in his class say that you couldn’t do that. He didn't know why, because after all, that was how you ended a sentence : with a period. But he just wanted to be sure he wasn't making any mistakes.

After several minutes of waiting without an answer, he was overcome by a sudden anguish. He stood up, stamped his feet, sat back down, then leaned against the icy stone wall. He hadn't let his cell phone get out of his sight once. Without further hesitation, he added a shy _what about you ?_.

Lower lip stuck between his teeth, he let go of the device and brought one hand to his face to nibble on his nails. Before he could do anything, the buzzing startled him once more. _Can we talk ?_

Jiwon had just ignored his question and asked another one, but he didn't care. The answer would most certainly have been no, anyway. He found the older man's behavior strange. He had seriously expected to be overwhelmed with messages, each longer than the other, Friday evening. But even Saturday had passed by without Jiwon making any attempt at contacting him. He had believed that, as usual, all he would have to do was answer succinctly for the other to keep trying to get his attention. But this time he was the one who kept the conversation going.

Confused, he typed slowly on his keypad, _aren’t we already doing that ?_.

Once again, he had to wait ten minutes for the brunette to text back. He felt like he was going nuts. He was fidgeting, pacing around his room, wondering what was going on. He kept thinking he had said something wrong, and anxiety was eating him up from the inside.

He was rubbing his weary face, when the notification came. On the screen, _can I call you ?_ was displayed. Immediately he sent a confident _yes_. He hadn't taken the time to think about it for longer than a second. Maybe he should have had.

This time Jiwon didn't let more than five seconds pass. Hanbin almost gasped as his phone rang throughout his room. As quickly as possible he muffled the noise, and brought it to his ear. Fortunately, neither his mother nor his brother were home.

The brunette did not speak. He knew he was there, because he could hear him breathe, even just a little bit. He immediately sensed that something was wrong. He focused on his faint sighs, so much that he even forgot where he was.

“ _Jiwon.”_

The sound of his own voice disturbed him like a distant echo. But all that mattered was what was wrong with his friend.

“ _What's wrong ?”_

He heard the older one breathe out into the microphone. He couldn't guess what kind of expression he was wearing. He laid down on his side, cell phone propped up on his face. His mediocre mobile plan’s limited call time was slipping away in silence, but he didn't care.

“ _I'm pissed off, that's all_ ,” finally confessed his interlocutor, voice hoarse and broken.

He frowned, concern making his features twitch. He remained silent.

“ _Junhoe pisses me off, not you_ ,” he then clarified, weakly.

He had seen him in many states, even in such a short time knowing each other, but this was new. He seemed upset, pained. He was trying to pass it as anger, but he was hurt, and Hanbin could hear very clearly.

“ _I thought hearing your voice would help me feel a little bit better.”_

Hanbin's stomach twisted, and his eyes began to burn. He didn't understand what was happening to him, but it was an unpleasant feeling. Throat tight, it took him a moment before he could say anything.

“ _So ? Is it working ?”_

Jiwon let out a tiny chuckle in his ear, and instantly he seemed to regain some of his energy.

“ _I don't know. Talk more and I’ll see.”_

The chestnut had to suppress a smile. He rolled onto his back, and looked up at his ceiling.

“ _The humidity stain in my room is starting to look like South America.”_

He heard him snicker on the other side of the phone, and he was filled with satisfaction. He liked it when he laughed. Much more than he should have. He continued without stopping, telling him meaningless, out of context, absurd things. Stuff he wasn't used to saying, stuff he sometimes refrained from confessing, mundane things. He kept going until he finally managed to make him fully laugh, until he became chatty again, as he naturally was.

Hanbin had been sprawling in his bed since he had gotten up, and had hardly moved the entire time. Usually he would have done the laundry, then hung it, prepared food for lunch, sprinkled the wall with lemon juice to chase away ants and termites. He would have worked on his internship report which he wrote by hand, he would have gone through his notes for the hundredth time, even though he already knew everything by heart. But there he was, chatting with Jiwon, and it was a whole new experience.

The older one hung up around noon, because he had to go to eat with his family. Hanbin waited an hour on his bed, without moving, without getting up for lunch. He could skip meals easily since he was little. Like when he wasn't old enough to know how to actually prepare anything, to use knives or the stove, and his mother had forgotten to make him something to snack on. That time when he had realized that no one would take care of feeding him if he didn't do it himself.

Jiwon got back in touch with him as quickly as he could. Hanbin had not let go of his phone and immediately picked up. The older man had regained his normal behavior, and was talking to him about whatever was on his mind. The latest video game console he had pre-ordered, this new app he had downloaded on his smartphone, the thick leather jacket his mother had just bought him. He barely understood anything, and he didn't know what to answer, but he listened to him ramble and he smiled.

Amusedly, he reminded him that he had to work on his report. With an exaggerated gasp, the brunette feigned panic. Then he assured him that he had not forgotten.

“ _Just to know, how much did you write ?”_

The chestnut took some time to think, turning his head to his wobbly desk.

“ _Hmm, I think I’ve filled about five writing papers.”_

He heard him laugh a little, and he didn't understand why.

“‘ _Writing papers’ ? Are you handwriting your report ?”_

He hummed to confirm, without any hesitation. A few seconds of silence followed.

“ _What ?”_ Jiwon yelled in his ear. “ _Really ?”_

Hanbin, eyebrows raised, explained to him that he didn’t have a computer at home, without going into the details of his miserable situation. Usually he used those that were available in their university’s library, but he hadn’t been able to get there since the start of their internship. His family had never been able to afford a laptop and it wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

He was planning on drowning in his excuses more, because he was afraid of what Jiwon would think, or the questions he was going to ask. The latter calmly interrupted him.

“ _How about you come to my place ?”_

He froze, his gaze glued to his ceiling. He didn't answer.

“ _I’ve got two computers. We can work on this together, if you want to.”_

He made out the sound of the brunette clearing his throat, a little uncomfortable. His nervous demeanor softened him and he relaxed.

“ _When ?”_

Surprised by the answer, Jiwon let out a tense 'uh'. Hanbin smiled softly.

“ _Tomorrow, if you want ! Or the day after tomorrow. Or the day after the day after tomorrow... well, whenever you like.”_

This time he couldn't help but laugh. And it might have sounded trivial, but he hadn't laughed that way in a long time.

“ _Tomorrow is good_ ,” he confirmed in a whisper, turning to his side.

He heard the older one breathe out, without saying anything. They remained silent for a moment, perfectly calm and warm next to each other's ear.

At school, he smiled whenever people came to talk to him. He pretended not to be disturbed by their presence, by their misplaced curiosity. He answered their questions while hiding his unease, and he waited for them to lose interest in him. As soon as they left, he would sigh in relief. But with Jiwon, he didn't feel obligated to talk, nor to be social, nor to be kind. He didn't feel like he had to do anything. After watching him so much, the brunette knew very well who he really was. What made him nervous, what made him tense. And he had already demonstrated it more than once by helping him discreetly.

“ _What’s so interesting about me ?”_

He suddenly blurted out his question, and it surprised them both. Hanbin had always wondered what had caught Jiwon's attention, but he hadn't expected his lips to let his doubts escape so easily. He had spoken before thinking.

His interlocutor coughed succinctly, taken aback. He was a little apprehensive about what he was going to say. And since he had already gotten into trouble, he no longer hesitated to insist.

“ _Is it because I'm all alone all the time ? Did you want to be the first to tame me, like some wild animal ?”_

He didn't want to be so brittle, to sound so suspicious. But he couldn't help it. Because he couldn't figure out what had made him stand out from the crowd in his eyes. Why had he gotten so attached to him, when he didn't even care to talk to everyone else ?

“ _Or maybe it's because I was the only one not interested in you ?”_

He inhaled briefly, a little feverishly, about to keep going.

“ _Stop_ ,” Jiwon cut him sharply.

The monotonous tone interrupted him abruptly. Then he realized what he had just said, and a lump formed in his stomach. He all of a sudden felt like throwing up.

“ _Who do you take me for, Hanbin ? Is that how you see me ?”_

The discomfort in his abdomen crept up to his throat, where it got painfully stuck. His lips twitched. Again, he had opened his mouth only to hurt him. Like their last fight.

“ _That's how I see everyone_ ,” he replied to justify himself, voice low.

Jiwon huffed into his ear, and a bitter little laugh escaped him. His frozen fingers clenched on his phone. With his free hand, he gripped the scarf around his neck, and brought it to his face.

“ _So I'm like everyone else.”_

He straightened up and sat down. No, Jiwon was different, that was for sure. Starting with the way he had watched him for months like a deranged stalker, to the way he understood him without even having to speak to him. To the way he helped him without asking for anything in return, the way he wanted to take care of him.

“ _No_ ,” Hanbin denied, upset.

Then he fell silent, because he didn't know what else to add, what to say in his defense. The truth was, he didn't have any confidence. He didn't understand what Jiwon had possibly found in him. There was nothing extraordinary about him. The brunette was always hanging out with fun, sociable people. People of his social class, people who went to clubs, who drank and smoked like him, who shared the same experiences. Boys and girls and others who had exciting, busy lives, who had loads of interesting things to tell. Guys who had traveled, interacted with strangers, experienced incredible things.

People that were not like him. Quite the opposite, actually.

“ _I know very well what you think, Bin.”_

Hanbin raised his eyebrows, his eyes brimming with unshed tears. His eyelids burned him terribly.

“ _And I know you need me to reassure you. That's why you're pushing me to my limits, right ?”_

He didn't know how he was doing it. He saw things in his mind that even he didn't know were there. And once again he made him become aware of it, like he had many times before.

“ _It's been weeks since I last smoked a cigarette because I know you hate the smell. I don’t want to go anywhere without you. I don't want to talk to anyone other than you. I can’t talk to other people anymore because it's only you that matters to me. And even when I look at them, they all look so bland, they're all black and white, except for you. You, are dazzling.”_

Even through his cell phone, Jiwon's voice was comforting, warm, close. If he closed his eyes, it felt like he was right next to him. His nose buried in the scarf’s soft fabric, he sought his presence. With the words he had just whispered to him, he found something tender in himself, something calm.

“ _Trust me, Hanbin. I'm not like the others. I can see how bright you shine.”_

He couldn't help but smile weakly.

“ _You're not alone anymore… from now on, it's you and me, all the time_ ,” he whispered.

He nodded with a whimper. If he had been like the others, Jiwon would have abandoned him ages ago. His cold demeanor and hurtful words would have made him run away from him a long time ago.

Jiwon ended up talking to him all day. Not for a second did he let him go back to his dark thoughts. Before he even noticed it, night had fallen, and he hadn't done anything else than chatter for all those hours. He was absolutely not upset. On the contrary, he hadn't felt that good in years. In fact, in forever.

He fell asleep on the phone, without having had dinner, his phone sandwiched between his pale cheek and his yellowed cushion.

When he woke up the next day he felt good and rested. It was a sensation he had rarely felt in his life. There was only one problem ; he was hungry, and he hadn't prepared anything the night before. However, he didn't have the time or the motivation to do anything. So he went to take a shower, stomach empty but mind at peace.

He came back several minutes later, hair wet, utterly chilled. He locked himself in his room as quietly as possible. For a few seconds he curled up in his holey blanket to warm himself up.

He heard his mother leave her room, go to the kitchen. Without making a sound, he put on his pants. Then the sound of the door lock echoed and he knew she had gone out. She came back right after. He wondered what she was doing.

He put on an old gray t-shirt. The sound of his mom’s footsteps gradually approached, until it came to a halt in front of his door. Suddenly he stopped breathing and froze. Through the slit at the bottom of the entrance, he could see her shadow creep into his room.

“ _Hanbin.”_

He closed his eyelids and refrained from tensing up. For once, just once, he just wanted to be left alone. To rest. She called him again and he opened the door a bit. He raised his pupils to her face, drawn, exhausted. Around her eyes, mouth, and forehead, her little wrinkles seemed to have gotten worse. With pinched lips and raised eyebrows, with that horribly pitiful and reproaching look, she analyzed him from top to bottom.

“ _Didn't you cook yesterday ?”_

He felt his shoulders slump, as if someone was pressing onto them. With the flat of her hand, she forced him to open the door completely. Then she turned around and sat down on one of the chairs at their table. She rested an elbow on the scratched wooden surface, and rubbed her face.

“ _What about laundry ? You didn’t do it either ?”_

Hanbin was standing in the main room, on his bedroom’s threshold. He had barely stepped out of his personal space, but he already felt attacked. There was only one thing he wanted, and it was to lock himself in there. He turned his head to the laundry basket, which was about to overflow. He didn't answer. She sighed.

“ _I also asked you to unclog the water pipe outside. Did you forget that too ?”_

He would have liked to tell her that he hadn't forgotten. He had remembered it. But for once, only once in his miserable life, he had spent a good Sunday, doing nothing, chatting with Jiwon. He didn't open his mouth.

“ _What's wrong, Hanbin ? What’s happening ?”_

And if he had been brave enough, he certainly would have laughed at this situation. She believed that something was wrong with him, right at that point in his life he felt happier than he had ever been. Maybe she was so preoccupied by her own pain that she was unable to realize what he was feeling.

“ _I'm worried about you.”_

He forced a smile. Was she worried about him, or about all the things she would have to do on her own if he ever got sick ? If he decided to just give up ? What if he suddenly left ?

“ _I’m sorry, mom.”_

Four words, and she pursed her lips, she nodded. As if that was all she had expected to hear. Let him apologize, let him obey. Let him do as he was told, when she told him to. Let him be a good kid and not cause any problems, let him be responsible like an adult when he was just a young boy, and not eat too much, and concentrate on his homework, and not desire anything. Let him be content with what he had without ever looking at what he couldn't have. But now, he had set his gaze on Jiwon. And everything was about to change.

Thinking it was over - his mother's reproaches and his inner conflict, he pulled on his coat, stuffed his books and papers lying on his desk into his bag, and hoisted it onto his shoulders. Then he walked silently to the front door.

“ _Don't forget to take care of it when you get home.”_

He stopped, his hand on the doorknob. His hair was dripping icy drops on his back. Recovering his placid features, he replied :

“ _Yes, mom.”_

Then he left this house, this street, this shanty district that he hated. This place where he was constantly suffocating.

About forty minutes later, he reached the hospital. Recently, that was the only place he felt good at. Next to Minho, other doctors, children. With Jiwon. For the first time in his very short life, he wanted to be with someone.

He stopped on the square’s stairs. This was where he and Jiwon had first spoken to each other, even though they had only exchanged a few puzzled words. Only that morning, his partner was nowhere to be found. He didn’t think too much about it. He had arrived early, after all.

Little by little his college’s other students arrived one by one, and all gathered among themselves. It was almost eight thirty, and the other still hadn't shown up. Hanbin, a little agitated, wondered what was going on.

They all went inside eventually. He kept glancing back. Minho took roll call on time, as usual. Junhoe was there, but his best friend was nowhere to be seen. The pediatrician skipped over the absentee's name as if he had never existed.

He had never felt this sensation. The feeling of waiting for someone. Wondering why he was standing all alone in this crowd. Whereas a few days ago, being lonely would have been perfectly natural to him.

“ _You okay ?”_

Minho was at his side. He turned his attention away from the front doors, greeting the doctor. Then he swallowed hard. He wasn't sure how to ask.

“ _Jiwon...”_

He saw the older raise an eyebrow, and smile imperceptibly. Then his lips twitched into a smirk and he crossed his arms.

“ _Are you worried because he's not here ? That’s awfully nice of you_ ,” he teased.

Hanbin squeezed his hands between them. Minho gently patted him on the back.

“ _Come with me, boy.”_

He complied without asking any questions. The pediatrician guided him to their department. Until then, he found nothing strange. But once inside, Minho wouldn't let him head to the locker room, as he usually did. Instead, he dragged him all the way to a patient's room. He stopped in front of the sliding door, and with a wave of his hand he motioned for him to look in through the narrow rectangular window.

In the bed, in the middle of the colorful room, there was a little girl. Lying under the blue sheets, her eyelids were closed. One of her hands was resting on her stomach, and the other was gripped firmly between someone else's. Hanbin stared at Jiwon, who was sitting by the child's side, eyes red and dark circles under. He looked like he hadn't slept all night.

“ _His little sister had peritonitis_ ,” Minho informed him calmly. “ _They came into the emergency room at night. We gave her a CT scan, then she went into surgery immediately. She's on antibiotics, and she's doing much better by the second.”_

He nodded, to show that he understood. He stood there in front of the door. Suddenly his mentor knocked twice on the wood, then ran away like a thief. He watched him go, incredulous. When he turned his attention back to what was going on inside, Jiwon had already noticed him.

He walked in silently, because it would have been weird to just keep standing outside. He stopped when he saw the sleeping figure on the leather sofa, opposite the bed.

“ _You can come in, don’t worry_ ,” he assured him.

Trying to keep as quiet as possible, he grabbed one of the remaining chairs and went to sit next to the brunette.

“ _Minho told me.”_

Jiwon let out a hum, some kind of exhausted growl as confirmation. In bed, his sister seemed to be doing well. She was sound asleep, and even the painful IV drip in her hand didn't seem to bother her. After a few seconds of silence, he let go of the little girl's hands. He brought his own, trembling, to his legs. Hanbin understood immediately that he had been very afraid. After all, you could die of peritonitis.

His heart started to beat furiously as soon as he began to think about what he was about to do. He hadn't even started moving and he was already sweating. Hesitantly, he lifted his right hand, brought it up to his friend's left, and in the least natural way, he slipped it into his.

And he stayed still like an idiot. He'd just put them in an awfully awkward position, and the fact that he didn't fucking know what to say wasn't helping them at all. Suddenly a rustling sound came from their left.

“ _Jiwon...”_

In a strange reflex, and probably because he was surprised, he gripped the hand between his fingers a little harder. They both turned their heads in the direction of his mother, who had just woken up. Sitting on the sofa, she observed them without a word.

He quickly brought his arm back to himself, extricating his hand from the other’s warm grip. Jiwon, in no way disturbed, rose from his chair to join his mom.

“ _Mom, no need to get up_ ,” he said, grabbing her arm. “ _You okay ?”_

She nodded, her eyes squinting gently. Hanbin couldn't help but stare at her. She was nothing like his own mother. Even dressed casually, she exuded money and success. Her hair was perfectly silky and pigmented, she didn't have the trace of a white strand of hair. At the end of her thin, smooth hands, she had magnificent manicured nails, unlike any he had ever seen before.

He felt her gaze on him, and he froze. While he had been watching her, she seemed to have been doing the same. Immediately after encountering his eyes, she smiled even more. Although she looked exhausted, it didn’t disturb her natural charisma. Uncomfortable, he stood up, bowed and greeted her.

They chatted for a few minutes. Jiwon's mom just asked him basic questions, to make conversation, to get to know him. Patient and smiling, she changed subjects as soon as she felt that he was reluctant to answer. She obviously didn't want to force him into telling her anything. She felt similar to him. It was nice. She naturally exchanged with him by slipping in some anecdotes about her son and daughter, beaming. She treasured them more than her own life and her love was undisguised.

After a while, his friend had to leave for the psychiatric department. Now that he had seen Jiyeon was better, he was more relaxed, and he felt bad for not working. Watching him walk away, Hanbin realized also that he was doing nothing, that it was already past nine. And he had no excuse.

He found Minho and they went back to visiting the rooms, as they had done previously. Nothing was out of the ordinary, except for those moments when the pediatrician sometimes asked him to go see if Jiyeon had woken up.

The little one opened her eyes around noon. The chestnut was checking her drip. Their mother had slipped away for a short while to buy something to eat. He was alone with the child, and she seemed to be wondering what was going on. She was casting him sideway glances, obviously intimidated. So he settled into one of the seats and, in a calm voice, he explained to her where she was, what kind of ailments she had, where Jiwon and her mom were. Barely ten minutes later, she had opened up to him and seemed to be doing better.

He was sitting next to Jiyeon, and he leaned a bit closer to her, because the stickers that other kids had put on his coat intrigued her, and she wanted to take a look. She grazed one of them with her fingertip. It was a dalmatian puppy dressed up in firefighter gear that he had seen before, in some toy stores. With a smile he peeled it off his lab coat’s white fabric, and stuck it on her gown. She giggled, seemingly delighted.

The door opened, revealing the kid’s mom, accompanied by her son. As soon as they both saw that she was awake, they rushed to her side. Then they covered her in kisses, incredibly relieved. Their anxiety was finally calming down.

With a paper bag in hand, their mother had brought in lunch. Hanbin wanted to get up to help her unpack everything on the coffee table in front of the sofa, but Jiyeon held him weakly by the sleeve. Seeing this, she couldn't help but raise her eyebrows.

“ _Oh my !”_ the woman exclaimed.

Confused, he sat down again. He sent Jiwon, who was smiling at him, a puzzled look.

“ _Jiyeon usually gets shy with big guys she doesn't know_ ,” he explained. “ _Probably because they intimidate her. It took her months to get used to Junhoe.”_

The little one’s small fingers tightened up more on his sleeve. He felt the brunette stop behind him, and lean over his shoulder, against his back. Their closeness did something strange to him. He looked up at him, and their eyes met.

“ _You really have something special.”_

He smiled, and lowered his head. He appreciated the compliment. For some reason, it made him happy that Jiwon's family liked him. If Jiyeon had been suspicious of him, it certainly would have made him sad. But he didn't have this problem, because she even refused to let go of him.

“ _Now you have no choice ; you're part of the family. You could very well be my son_ ,” their mom joked.

She rummaged in the bag, and grabbed some wooden cutlery, as well as a napkin. Then she extended her hand out to give Jiwon a small and steaming cardboard box. He left his side to go and grab it.

“ _Come eat with us, Hanbin_ ,” she called. “ _Jiyeon sweetie, could you let us have him for a minute ? We'll give him back to you soon, promise.”_

Jiyeon hesitated for a second or two, before loosening her hold. Hanbin ran an affectionate hand over the top of her head, and joined the other two. He sat down next to Jiwon, who pushed one of the three meals towards him. They had ordered for him too. They ate their hot noodles, chatting quietly. They talked about the hospital, their studies, their future. They had a very natural and warm conversation. He wasn't even sure he had ever felt this way with his own family before. And it was infinitely more pitiful than he had imagined.

In the beginning of the afternoon, he did a round of the department again, just to check that all was well. He waited for Minho at the main door, ready to report back to him as soon as he returned from his lunch break. At the end of the hall to his right, where all the operating rooms were lined up, there was a light on. A doctor was probably in surgery.

The pediatrician arrived approximately fifteen minutes later. They both left to get him some coffee from the machine. He had stayed up all night, and the caffeine he was drowning himself with kept him firmly in action. On the way back, they passed by the board where all the surgeries were planned, Hanbin noticed that nothing was written down for this current time slot. Concerned, he paused for a second. He snapped out of it when Minho told him to hurry.

The rest of the day was filled with a multitude of visits, each more worrying than the other. Several children complained of symptoms totally unsuitable for their medical condition. The more hours passed, the more his mentor frowned. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to think. Something was wrong, but they couldn't quite put their finger on it. So they isolated the patients affected by these concerns, and prescribed them something to relieve their pain while they were tested, and until they found the source of the problem.

When night fell, Minho still didn’t feel like going home. Sitting at a desk in the break room, he had surrounded himself with a mountain of books, glasses on his nose, head resting in his hands. He ordered him to go home, and immediately after he started reading.

The chestnut found Jiwon in Jiyeon's room, with their mother. The latter told the two boys to go without her, explaining that she preferred to stay with her daughter at least for that night. She told them to eat whatever they wanted from the fridge, and have a good evening. As they walked towards the exit, they passed by Junhoe. The two best friends ignored each other as if they had never met before.

They went back home on foot. Hanbin didn't know what to say, so he fell silent. They were walking relatively slowly, but his heart was pounding and he was out of breath. All of these sensations intensified when he realized they were standing right at the bottom of the building where the family lived. Maybe he dreaded seeing with his own eyes just how wealthy they were, how different his miserable, empty world was from theirs.

Whether it was the lobby or the elevator, everything was already as if it came from another universe. Even more so when he walked through the front door, and ventured into the loft. Jiwon turned on the light, and everything lit up as in broad daylight. The ceiling seemed to hang miles above them, almost like another sky. In his house, he had to lower his head as he went through the doors and under the frame, so as not to hit his forehead. Here he would never have had that kind of problem. He could have climbed onto the brunette's shoulders, there would still be no problem.

They went to the kitchen, immaculate and equipped with a multitude of appliances whose purpose he couldn’t even fathom. He swallowed hard. He felt like he hadn't had any water for years. He felt like he had been in a long coma, and had just woken up twenty years in the future. It was all surreal and far too high end for him.

Jiwon opened the fridge and it suddenly spoke. Telling him what they had planned for the week, what they had left to eat, what would soon expire. On the gigantic screen embedded in one of the double doors scrolled a multitude of family photos. Jiyeon and Jiwon, main subjects for most of them, were shining and grinning in amazing places. On a beach in Hawaii, on a safari in Kenya, in front of a waterfall in Thailand. The high quality shots were extremely pleasing to the eye.

He let him heat up a big pizza in a surprisingly quiet oven. The one he had at home huffed and shook like a rocket about to take off, as soon as he started it up. No longer able to stand on his legs, he sat down on the high chair behind his back. The older one settled in front of him.

He was trying to keep from looking around, because he didn't want to seem rude. And maybe his weary body helped him stay still.

“ _Wanna watch TV ?”_

Without thinking first, Hanbin nodded. If anything could fill the heavy silence, he was up for it.

He expected Jiwon to turn on the monstrous flat screen in the living room, but no. Casually, he turned on the TV on his fridge. Because in addition to everything else it was already capable to do, it could also be a TV.

They watched something for fifteen minutes, but he couldn’t tell what it was about. His mind was totally elsewhere, daydreaming. The oven let out a short melody and stopped by itself when the pizzas were done. He thought his eyes were going to pop out of their sockets.

He found it hard to swallow what he was chewing throughout the meal. His opposite, him, was in bliss. Fortunately, they were just the two of them. If he had had to find out about all this in the company of the whole family, he certainly would have internalized his astonishment so strongly that he would have imploded.

They ended up climbing upstairs. Jiwon, polite, quickly showed him around the apartment. Scratch that, the palace.

They went to his bedroom. The room alone was twice the size of his old slum hut. The brunette immediately went to wallow on his bed. He remained there, frozen, not knowing where to stand.

“ _Hanbin.”_

He jumped. The older man had happily talked all evening, but now his voice had taken on a whole different tone.

_“This is also your home now.”_

He winced painfully. That didn't sound natural at all. It was impossible. Him, in this universe. Surrounded by all of these things, in such a big space.

Jiwon straightened up. His hair was shuffled on the top of his head, and his eyelids were half closed. It was probably because they were in his home. Because he was seeing him somewhere other than in a public place… but his friend seemed different. He had _something_ … something captivating, electrifying. Scary, maybe.

The brunette grabbed his arms and pulled him closer to him. Then without taking his eyes off him, he stopped his fingers from scraping his flesh. Hanbin lowered his eyes to their hands. They were covered in blood. In his blood. His nails looked disgusting and he was bleeding. He immediately started shaking.

“ _Calm down, Hanbin. Everything is fine.”_

He was struggling to breathe in properly, and to breathe out the air stuck in his lungs. His friend, in his husky, sweet voice, whispered softly to him.

“ _You have no reason to hurt yourself.”_

He lowered his head and tried to hide as best he could, but Jiwon held him firmly. He wouldn't let him run away.

“ _I'm right here. Look at me.”_

He complied. Jiwon sported an unusual, but welcome seriousness. He focused on his dark irises, in which his distorted image was reflected. He saw himself on his pupils, and he wondered what the hell he was doing there. In an environment he didn’t belong to. Where he was out of place.

“ _It doesn’t matter where we are. Just focus on me.”_

He swallowed, and nodded weakly. Gradually, thanks to comforting words, his tremors subsided. The embarrassment in his stomach and the bad thoughts in his mind, too. Jiwon helped him sit next to him on the bed. He gently rubbed his back to relax him. And it worked.

They didn't do anything for a while. It was almost eight o'clock, and they still hadn't started working on their report, like planned. Finally, the older one gave him his laptop. He left to go fetch his mother's, so that they each had one to work on. Then the conversation gradually resumed. The tension eased. They did their homework diligently. Hanbin, while focusing on his report, came to his senses completely. Certainly because schoolwork was the only thing he could do without doubting his abilities.

It was ten when he decided he had to go home. The older man assured him he could stay. It was raining a few drops outside, and it was cold. But he was afraid of what his mother would say if she found out that he had spent the night with someone else. She knew very well that he had no friends, that he was as lonely and sad as she was. He was afraid that she would blame him for going out, for taking his studies lightly, to go and do questionable things with who knew who. He preferred to avoid this kind of confrontation.

Jiwon didn't insist, even though it looked like it was killing him not to. Hanbin thanked him for everything. He apologized, too. He stood on the threshold for a little while. Then after staring at the brunette one last time, he found the strength to go home.

He left the big and shiny buildings, to get back to his musty old slum. Slowly climbing the slope, he recalled his extraordinary evening. In the end, the only memory that remained was Jiwon’s shimmering eyes.

He reached his house much sooner than he would have liked. As he passed the wooden door between the stone walls, leading to his muddy garden, he almost hit his forehead. This evening had almost made him forget where he really came from. He wiped the few drops of rain off his hair and shoulders.

He was about to enter, when his mother’s voice pierced through the old door. She wasn’t speaking loudly, but it was easy to hear everything in this house.

“ _You need to help me, Hangyul_ ,” she pleaded.

He froze.

“ _Just a little_ ,” she begged even more. “ _I'm not going to get through this month if you don’t.”_

She was begging Hangyul for money. Money she'd probably spent into every bottle of soju she bought at the run-down convenience store down their street. Or she had worked overtime again fully knowing that her boss would never pay her for it.

He took his shoes off and walked inside. Hangyul hated them enough already, he didn't need another reason to look down on them. He walked over to tell his mother to end the call. However, as soon as she saw him, she started crying and hung up on her own.

Suddenly she dropped her phone on the table, and rushed over to him. She grabbed the scarf around his neck, tore it from his body, and threw it to the ground. Then she hooked her hands to his t-shirt and shook him roughly.

She was screaming indescribable words. She was sobbing and shouting at the same time, he couldn't understand what she was saying at first. Little by little he managed to get a few syllables out of it, one by one, until he managed to formulate the reason for her sudden break down.

“ _How could you !”_ she screamed uncontrollably. “ _Hours and hours on the phone !”_

In her hand, between the soft fabric she was squeezing and her palm, she held a crumpled piece of paper. Abruptly she pushed him aside, unfolded the letter, and threw it in his face. He caught it as best he could. On it, a balance was written in red ink, a negative balance. It wasn't long before he connected all the dots. He had spent his Sunday on the phone with Jiwon. And he had exceeded his phone plan. Of an astronomical sum.

She hit him once, in tears. Her cheap mascara was dripping from her eyes, staining her distorted face. Her gray hair, tied quickly in a low ponytail, was tangling, and she was plucking it out. She twisted and grabbed whatever she found to throw at him.

She kept screaming over and over again. He grabbed his head between in his hands and curled up on himself. He knew he had made a mistake. He felt guilty enough already. But she kept telling him. Yelling at him.

She had given him life and he dared to betray her. He didn't deserve to live. He was good-for-nothing, incompetent. She should never have let him study. She should have forced him to work like his brother, so that he at least earned some money, instead of doing nothing all day, listening to classes that would never be of use to him. Because he would never be a good doctor. He was never going to get out of this place. This fucking misery, he had in his blood. And he was going to fucking die with it.

She should never have given birth to him, because all he was good for was sucking up all her fucking money.

Everything was buzzing around him. He could hear the sound of increasing rain, flooding the roof. The rustle of the trampled scarf at his feet. The swarming parasites that seeped in the walls, the floor, their food. Their neighbor’s inappropriate comments as they spied on them day and night to spice up their miserable existence. The termites that nibbled on their clothes and their furniture, eating the frame, until the day it would all crumble. The moist gurgling of mud in their disgusting garden. The incessant lapping of that damn shower that never stopped leaking. The doors creaking, the electric cables swinging and threatening to electrocute them, the oven hissing, the water boiling in the pot, the wet slap of soaked cloth, his pen scratching against the paper over and over. Everything going crescendo as in a nightmarish symphony, a concerto of terror, the atrocious hymn of all he hated in this pitiful life.

And on top of it all, like the lead singer in that abominable opera, was his mother screaming, over, and over, and over again.

He turned around and fled. He left everything behind him. He ran off like he had dreamed of doing but refrained so many times in the past.

He got to town and he was soaked. He didn't know where he was going but he was walking unconsciously. He had stopped running because he was in pain. Because he was tired. He felt like he would freeze to death.

He looked up, and he was at the bottom of a building. And not just any building. Eyes drowned in tears, his wet hair clinging to his hurt face, he rang on all the intercoms. No one answered.

He stood there in the rain. He didn't know what he was waiting for. But he was waiting.

An indefinite period of time later, the chandeliers lit up in the big entrance hall. The elevator doors opened, and Jiwon's familiar silhouette appeared in the light.

He watched him run. Rush to the door and hurry up to him.

Hanbin was freezing. His shoulders were shaking and his skin was bright red. His feet, covered in wounds, were dripping with blood on the wet sidewalk.

Jiwon grabbed his neck, looking broken. Then he rested his forehead against his.

“ _It's over. I'm here.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, if there are any weirdly translated parts, feel free to correct me. I would love to learn from my mistakes !
> 
> And if you'd like to reach out, to talk or something, please contact me on twitter at @snowdaisies. I promise I'm nice C:
> 
> Thank your for reading ! ❤


	7. jiwon ─ Together, anywhere, anytime

Jiwon held Hanbin in his arms, standing under the hot spray of water that rained down on their body. Against his chest, the younger one was sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. He had no idea what was going on. He ran his fingers through his hair to stop it from dripping in his eyes. They were both wet from head to toe. Their clothes, heavy and soaked, clung to their skin. But at least the rain’s freezing sensation was quickly being replaced by a boiling shower’s heat.

With one hand, he grabbed Hanbin’s face and pushed him away from him just enough so he could see. Partially blinded by all the warm steam rising in the cabin, he analyzed his beaten features. His brow bone, cheeks and lips had a few cuts dripping with blood. Drops of water, striking his bruised skin, were dragging the scarlet liquid along with them and spreading it all over their clothes, the cubicle’s tiles, to the drain. It was red everywhere.

The chestnut had his eyes shut tight. His tears spilled from his closed eyelids and merged with everything else. His body was weary and weak. Jiwon kept him standing up by pressing him against his torso. He wasn't very heavy, but the soggy clothes he was wearing weighed a ton.

“ _Hanbin, you’ve got to undress.”_

The youngest, mind completely elsewhere, didn’t even seem to hear him. He was clinging to him with all the meager strength he had left. Jiwon leaned him against the icy shower wall, then helped him slide all the way down to the floor. Without waiting he took off his own soaked hoodie, and dropped it to the floor. The fabric crashed onto the ceramic tiles with a wet slap.

“ _Bin, I'm gonna take your clothes off, okay ?”_

He still got no answer. He slipped his fingers between his dark locks and gripped them with a sigh, desperate. He didn't know what else to do. They couldn't stay in the shower forever, but he couldn't wash him, treat him, nor put him to bed, if he didn't undress.

He withdrew his hands from his drenched hair, and trembling, he clutched Hanbin’s gray t-shirt with great reluctance. Then he lifted it up to his shoulders, and took it off him with some difficulty.

Hanbin’s chest was terribly pale and thin. Because he always wore clothes that were too big and loose, he had never noticed before. But his ribs pierced painfully through his skin. His sternum, striated, was visible between his pecs. Jiwon felt his legs go numb, and his eyes burn horribly. The chestnut was malnourished and it was clear as day. How had he not realized this earlier ?

Still hesitating, he unfastened his pants’ button, then pulled them down his legs. A second later he also removed his. Curled up against the tiled floor, the younger said nothing. He seemed to have completely curled himself into a ball of fear and misery, inaccessible, impenetrable from the outside. He did try to talk to him, to touch him, to reassure him, but nothing helped.

He turned off the water, and opened the shower stall’s glass door. The damp steam had invaded the whole room. He could hardly see anything. Blindly, he grabbed a towel and wrapped Hanbin's frail body inside. Then, using all of his leg’s strength, he held him in his arms and carried him back to his room. He sat him down on the edge of the bed. The chestnut had stopped crying, his eyelids open a tiny bit, and he wouldn’t take his eyes off the ground. He dried his body with all the gentleness he could muster in his brutish arms.

If he left him in his wet underwear, he was going to get cold, that was for sure. Taking his clothes off had already been taxing enough, he couldn't see himself trying to take off his underwear next.

Without a sound, he knelt between his legs. The younger did not move a single millimeter, although his field of vision was suddenly occluded. He rested his still wet palms on his clasped hands.

“ _Help me help you, please.”_

He saw his eyelashes flutter faintly, as if he were gently emerging from under the water. As if that was how he was replying to him, rather than saying anything. So he got up, rummaged in his dressing room’s drawers to find underwear he had never – or almost never – put on, grabbing a t-shirt on the way. Then he immediately returned to his side, as quickly as possible. He had feared that he would run away while he was busy.

He dropped the clean clothes on the mattress and went back to sit in between his knees. Gently he rubbed the towel over his hair to dry it a bit. His own was dripping unpleasantly on his shoulders, but he really didn't care.

Without being told to, Hanbin started to move like a puppet and grabbed the t-shirt Jiwon had brought back with one weak hand. In a minimum of movement, he put it on in silence. Then, regardless of the other's gaze, he slipped his fingers under his boxers’ waistband, and started removing it.

The brunette jumped and turned away from the scene. They were just two guys, and he had seen Junhoe naked countless times, though. But for some reason, with him it was different.

He only turned around when he heard no more rustling, no more noise. To his relief, the younger was seated, changed, clean and dry. He slipped away for a few seconds to get dressed too, and dry his hair a bit. When he returned, a first aid kit in hand, the other still hadn't moved.

He helped him crawl under the covers, and made sure he was warm. With two soft cushions behind his back, Hanbin seemed to be comfortably seated. Jiwon pulled one of the blankets up to his chin, leaving only his face out. Then, with a cotton swab soaked in an antiseptic solution, he conscientiously cleaned every wound he had on his bruised skin.

Hanbin winced, retracted, seemed to come to life. Every time the disinfectant came in contact with his skin, his brow furrowed above his eyes, and he let out an almost inaudible whimper. On his cheek, the trace of a blow was appearing, bluish, yellowish, red veins peeking through the colors. He had a big bruise.

Jiwon had no idea what had happened to him. He didn't know if he had been assaulted in the street, if he had fought with someone, or if – and the very idea made his blood run cold – it had happened to him at home. He didn’t dare to ask. He was afraid his curiosity would do more harm than good.

He applied healing cream to his bruises, then protected it all with the band-aids left in the small red box.

In a quick trip, he turned off the lights and walked back to him. He laid down between the sheets, in the darkness. Eyes wide open, pupils dilated. Little by little he got used to the lack of light. He remained still for ten seconds or so, and then glanced discreetly to the side.

Lit only by the faint moonlight, Hanbin's face was covered in shadows. His gaze glued on the ceiling and motionless, he seemed to no longer breathe. He watched him in silence, not knowing what to say to him, not knowing what to do. He didn't know anything about his life, about what had made him come to seek help from him, in the middle of the night, barefoot and crying in the rain.

A translucent pearl escaped from the corner of his eye, sliding all the way down to his still damp brown hair. As it ran over his bruised skin, it traced a shimmering furrow.

Under the sheet, he grabbed his hand. At his touch Hanbin gently closed his eyes, chasing away the few tears that had remained hanging on his eyelashes. Like comets, they flew by, leaving behind them a constellated trail. Jiwon also plunged himself into darkness.

When he emerged from his sleep, awakened by the sound of footsteps coming from the stairs, it was still dark. Lethargic, it took him a while to realize that the younger had snuggled up to him, arms wrapped around his chest, face buried in his neck. His hand, trapped under his body, hurt like hell. His cheek and nose were against his silky hair, which smelled of the familiar scent of his own shampoo. He didn't move a muscle.

He saw his bedroom door open, thin ray of light piercing through the darkness. His mother stuck her head through the crack.

“ _Jiwon_ ,” she whispered so as not to startle him.

Too exhausted to open his mouth, he replied with a groan, which made Hanbin wriggle in his arms.

“ _You're going to be late if you don't get up soon, boys.”_

He felt the younger’s embrace tighten around him. His mom closed the door without adding anything else. With a sigh, he closed his eyelids for a few seconds. They hadn't gone to bed early. At midnight Hanbin had rung on his intercom, and he had rushed downstairs. He had spent half an hour in the rain, trying to get the chestnut to move, but he had been frozen like an ice pick. When he had finally managed to get him through his front door’s threshold, it had been difficult to make him climb the stairs, to guide him into his bathroom. Then they had spent a long hour in the shower, under the hot spray of water. Another sixty minutes later, around three in the morning, he had turned off the lights.

He took a deep breath, suppressed a yawn, then he shook his partner slightly.

“ _Bin, it's eight o'clock. We’re really going to be late.”_

They only had thirty short minutes before Minho started taking roll call. Usually it already wouldn't have been easy, but in this situation it was even less so. This time, however, even the taboo word didn't get Hanbin to come out of his sleep. He looked down at him, only seeing the top of his head. He slipped a hand through his light locks, and gently stroked the back of his head.

“ _Wanna skip ?”_ he suggested.

Hanbin shook his head from side to side, immediately declining the offer. Jiwon couldn't help but smile a little. Even in his worst moments, he was still a model student. And there was no way he would give up on even one of his credits. Twenty minutes later, they were freshened up, and they were dressed. Half his body hidden under the hoodie he had just lent him, the younger one seemed perfectly comfortable and warm in his clothes.

His hand clasped in his friend's, he walked down the stairs and joined his mother downstairs. She had come home to get some things for her kid, clothes as well as something to entertain her during her stay in the hospital. As she walked by, she handed them each a glass of orange juice and a box of cookies. She seemed quite worried at the wounds on the chestnut’s face, but didn't ask questions.

She offered to drive them to work, and her son immediately agreed. That way they might get there in time, and it would save them the long walk in the cold outside.

They both sat in the back of the SUV. Normally Hanbin would have looked uncomfortable, like a fish straight out of water, as he had when he had first seen the loft. But he wasn't in his usual state, and he remained focused on his knees the entire ride.

The three of them got out of the vehicle. Once in the hall, the two boys separated from their driver to join the crowd of students accumulated in front of Minho. They had arrived exactly on time. Not long after their first names were called, and they answered present. Out of the corner of his eye, Jiwon caught a glimpse of Junhoe, and forced himself not to stare at him. Like the day before, he ignored him with all his might.

He and Hanbin were forced to separate from each other, although he didn't particularly like the idea of leaving him alone. Especially since his face was in such a state, he doubted that Minho would let him interact with the children as he usually did.

He reluctantly joined Jinwoo, Jisoo and Jaewon. On the way to their department, the young woman picked up the pace to walk beside him, and seemed to want to say something to him, but he was so busy with his own thoughts that he didn't give her a second of his time.

It was a banal day in psychiatry, filled with cries and lamentations, attempts to flee and rebellions. Jiwon was trying his best to stay focused, not to lose patience in the face of all this chaos. But with everything that was going on in his life ; Jiyeon's hospitalization, Hanbin's problems, and his quarrel with Junhoe… it was hard for him to put it all aside and work like nothing was wrong.

Around eleven-thirty, they had an umpteenth emergency. He walked alone to the entrance hall, where the problem was, waiting for Jinwoo to finish with the ongoing diagnosis.

Clinging to the large white counter and leaning over the reception secretaries was a middle-aged woman. She would have almost looked like she was normal, if only she hadn't been screaming every word that came out of her mouth, her shrill voice echoing through every corridor. She was yelling at the poor employees, who, confused and frightened, tried as best they could to calm her down.

He took a deep breath. Then with his most affable expression, he came forward to help the two young women. He greeted the lady, introduced himself politely. As soon as he spoke to her, she turned her attention away from the girls in front of her, and focused on him. He explained to her that he could help her, and immediately she grabbed his hands.

Jiwon froze. She was looking intensely into his eyes, and she was squeezing his fingers between her icy palms. He thought she might have been waiting outside for hours, considering how low her body temperature was. She looked desperate, lost. Trembling from head to toe, she told him her first and last name, and explained, sobbing, that her child had been stolen from her. That she had given birth in that hospital, and that when she had asked to see her baby, it had been taken away from her. That she had been sent home on her own, without ceremony, that she had been chased away.

She squeezed him a little harder with each word, her features distorted with pain. She didn’t appear to be in a normal state. Her pupils, retracted, betrayed all the anxiety she carried within her. In her cold, sweaty hands, he could feel the frantic rhythm of her maddened heart.

With a smile, he assured her that he would help her. He did his best to keep her from getting angry. As she was, he was afraid that she would hurt someone, or that she would hurt herself. So he took her to his department, and guided her to one of the rooms. He made her sit on the bed, covered her shoulders with a warm blanket, and handed her a glass of hot water.

He got out and closed the door behind him. He ran a hand over his forehead, heading straight to the counter, where a nurse was standing.

“ _I need some info on a former patient, please_ ,” he asked gently.

The young woman smiled at him, nodded, and settled into the seat in front of the computer. She typed the name he gave her on the keyboard, and she quickly accessed the patient's file.

“ _Hmm… she was hospitalized a week ago and gave birth, that's true. She was sent home the next day.”_

A little hesitantly, he leaned against the desk’s immaculate surface.

“ _And the baby ?”_

Sorry, she shook her head.

“ _It’s saying that he was stillborn.”_

He lowered his head and sighed. It was even worse than he had imagined.

“ _God damn it...”_

He was going to have to explain to this poor woman that her child had not been stolen from her, but that he had died. He couldn't think of worse news to tell anyone. Not to mention that she seemed to be unstable enough to go completely crazy and end up hurting someone.

“ _You should let Jinwoo take care of it_ ,” the nurse interjected obligingly.

He nodded. He pretty much agreed with her. Caring for this lady was way beyond his ability. He was only an intern, not a very good one on top of that. He didn't want to make a mistake, risking doing more harm than good. Jinwoo returned from his consultation shortly after. He explained the situation to him as clearly as he could. Once fully informed, the psychiatrist slipped away to speak to the patient. After that, Jiwon never heard from her or her problem again.

At noon, he got back to Hanbin and it relieved him incredibly. The youngest, standing in front of the cafeteria door, was waiting for him. On his face he still wore the bandages he had applied to him the day before. He looked exhausted. With his head constantly lowered, he only noticed him there when his feet came into his sight.

They sat down at an empty table in a corner of the cafeteria, after helping themselves to their trays. Jiwon needed to talk to him, to know what had happened, and the steadfast silence that reigned between them was driving him nuts. However, he did not utter a single word.

It was no use rushing him, asking him a whole bunch of questions that would only make him shut himself up in his shell like an oyster. He wanted to avoid making him uncomfortable at all costs, so he just ate, mute.

Several minutes passed. His partner still hadn't touched his food.

“ _You're not going to ask why I'm like that ?”_ suddenly let out the chestnut.

Jiwon stopped gathering what was left of rice in his spoon, and put his cutlery down. He pushed his tray back a bit, enough to be able to lean on the table, and fold his arms across the free surface.

“ _Depends. Do you want to talk about it ?”_

For a moment they both froze. As if the slightest movement would frighten the other. Then the younger shook his head, eyes glued down on his hands clasped on his legs.

“ _Then we won't talk about it.”_

He shrugged, sat down comfortably, and resumed his meal as if nothing had happened.

“ _You don't owe me anything, Hanbin. In fact, you don't owe anyone anything.”_

Hanbin looked up at him, eyes brimming with shiny tears. It was probably the first time he had sat up and looked in his eyes since they had reunited the day before. Then he slipped a hand on the back of his neck, succinctly scratched his skin, and grabbed his cutlery. The next second, he stuffed a huge spoonful of rice into his mouth.

They left the crowded room half an hour later. Then, they went back to this surprisingly neglected spot where they had had lunch once. They took a break in the same place, on the colorful seats, in front of the monstrous glass façade. The youngest instantly sat close to the window to admire the scenery. Jiwon wondered what he like him so much about it. Maybe it was because they overlooked most of the surrounding buildings. From this height they felt invincible, they felt far from everything.

He saw him scratch his neck again, and this time he found it weird. He got up from his seat, grabbed his wrist, and unfolded his arm. A little surprised, the chestnut pulled away from the cityscape and turned in his direction. His whole neck and upper back were covered in red patches, and the area looked incredibly itchy.

“ _Are you having_ _an allergy ?”_

Hanbin pressed his hand against his skin, looking ashamed. He had no reason to be, though.

“ _I'm allergic to the alcohol components in some perfumes," he_ admitted, almost apologetically.

Jiwon frowned. There might have been some scent residue on the sweatshirt he had lent him. And his friend had spent the whole morning feeling itchy, but hadn’t said anything.

“ _It's weird, isn't it ?”_

The chestnut had never been the self-confident type, but ever since the incident, his opinion of himself seemed to be at an all-time low. Incredulous, Jiwon immediately denied.

“ _Not at all. My mom and Jiyeon are the same. They buy custom perfumes and stuff because they have super sensitive skin.”_

He took off the green sweatshirt he was wearing, and handed it to him.

“ _Put this one on. It's clean and I haven't used anything this morning.”_

They changed their clothes. He helped him pull through the fabric, adjusted the hood over his back, and slipped a hand through his hair to comb it.

“ _Stay right there, I’m gonna get you something from the pharmacy.”_

Hanbin caught him by the arm before he left, stunned.

“ _No, don't worry about it, it's okay_ ,” he assured.

The brunette sighed and closed his eyes.

“ _You're not going to stay like this all afternoon, Bin. I'll go get you something.”_

He almost ran away, to come back as quickly as possible. In ten minutes, the deed was done. Right away, he sat behind the younger and pulled his clothes down over his back. He then applied the soothing cream he had brought back for him.

Before resuming their work, they stopped by to see Jiyeon, who, still accompanied by their mother, was reading in her room. As soon as she saw them come in, she dropped her book on her bedside table and motioned for them to hurry. She told them all about the story she was currently reading, and what she had had for lunch. Unstoppable, she blabbered on and on, saying as much as she could.

“ _Junhoe came to see her_ ,” their mother informed him. “ _He looked upset, but he wouldn’t tell me why.”_

Jiwon shortly clenched his jaw.

“ _Did you fight ?”_

He assured his mother that everything was fine. Skeptical, she nevertheless pretended to believe him. A moment later, she left the room to answer a call.

It was almost two o'clock, which meant that it was also time for them to resume their internship. He motioned to Hanbin, who leaned down to the little one to say goodbye. He waved her goodbye, and she did not answer.

The chestnut turned, ready to go, but Jiyeon grabbed a few of his fingers to hold him back. Then suddenly she started crying. Instantly, they both stopped moving.

Jiwon came to his senses and rushed to her side. Terribly worried, he asked her if she was in any pain, if her stomach was causing her concern. But she refuted what he said every time. And after a while, following many, many questions, she ended up confessing everything.

She confided in them that she didn't want to be alone. That the hospital and some of the doctors scared her. That they came in her room at night, stayed there silent for a while, and that they then went out to discuss in the hallway. She revealed to them that two of the opposite room’s patients had disappeared, and that no one seemed to care.

He glanced sideways at Hanbin, who shrugged lightly. He didn't seem to know anything about it. So he sat down on the bed next to her and gently stroked her arm. He explained to her that the night visits were normal, that the nurses and doctors were just making sure she was alright. He told her that her vanishing friends had all just went home, because they were healed. And while trying to convince her, he was trying to persuade himself, too.

They didn’t leave until their mother returned, so as not to leave Jiyeon alone. He parted ways with the younger and joined his own service, head filled with worry.

He hesitated all day to tell Jinwoo about it. To tell him that several patients had already manifested this feeling insecurity, and the strange sensations they felt while in the hospital. Starting with this woman he had met on his first day, who had said that the doctors were not treating her well, and gave her spontaneous injections. Then there had been this incident with Mihi, Hanbin's little patient, and the weird marks she had between her legs. Now a mom was coming to complain about her baby being stolen, and Jiyeon, who was carefree and naive by nature, worried that someone wanted to hurt her.

He finally tackled the subject. He beat around the bush a bit, before finally managing to get everything out. The psychiatrist listened to him attentively. And for a moment he thought he really had taken him seriously. At least, until he laughed.

“ _Jiwon, you watch too much TV.”_

The doctor had always been the type to kid around, but this time Jiwon felt very uncomfortable. It wasn't really the kind of worry you could turn into a joke.

“ _We're in a hospital. People don’t feel good, they’re sick, they’re anxious. This is normal.”_

Outside, the sun was setting. Jinwoo stopped in front of the counter to drop off his files.

“ _If something fishy was happening here, trust me, I would know. I wouldn’t need some intern who’s been there for a week to tune me in.”_

Jiwon refrained from answering anything. His mentor’s flippant and defensive demeanor was unpleasantly distressing. Even if his doubts were unfounded, that was no way to assure him that everything was fine. He patted his back and told him to go home. He didn't have to say it twice.

He waited ten minutes for Hanbin in front of the pediatric ward. He needed to tell him what had just happened, what he had felt. He knew he could count on him to give him a rational, calm and intelligent point of view.

The chestnut walked up to him. He checked that the red spots on his back had faded, and it had. Then they started to go on their way out.

“ _Jiwon !”_

Interrupted by Junhoe's thunderous voice, they turned around. The taller one caught up with them quickly, and stopped once he was next to them.

“ _Jisoo is celebrating her birthday at home tonight. And, uh… she invited everyone_ ,” he asserted, strangely shy.

He kept glancing over and over at Hanbin, who had turned away from the conversation, as if it didn't concern him.

“ _You’ll be there ?”_

He was going to say no, without even thinking about it. For the good and simple reason that he didn't want to. A year ago he would certainly have happily accepted, but now it was bothersome more than anything else. However, he met his best friend’s worried and upset gaze. He looked desperate. Jiwon hesitated for a moment, then made up his mind.

“ _Okay, I'll be there. Text me the time and address.”_

Junhoe seemed to regain his composure, and smiled at him.

“ _Cool. See ya.”_

They parted. He pushed Hanbin a little bit, to encourage him to move forward. He started walking again without talking about what had just happened.

It wasn't long before he got the text. He was supposed to be there for nine o'clock, and the house was situated in a neighborhood not too far from his home. He could go, spend a short hour there just to please his best friend, then leave as quickly he had come.

When he got home, he dropped his butt on the sofa. His friend sat down next to him, very close. He had become much less distant since the day before. When they stood next to each other, they were never more than a few inches apart. He held his arm, let himself be taken by the hand. He didn't say anything anymore when he touched his face, or his hair, either. Jiwon couldn't figure out if it made him feel good, or if it drove him nuts. The younger had no idea what was going through his mind sometimes.

He watched TV, while the chestnut worked silently on the computer, half leaning on him. As soon as they got hungry, they devoured the last slices of quiche in the fridge.

Around eight thirty, he finally decided to move. He was in no particular rush to get there. He didn't bother to get changed, nor to walk past the mirror to check on himself.

“ _I shouldn't stay there long, but you can go to bed first if you're tired.”_

Hanbin looked up from the computer, and shut it. He placed it back on the coffee table.

“ _Junhoe said everyone was invited, right ?”_

Jiwon nodded, confused. Then Hanbin stood up and patted his hoodie back into shape.

“ _I want to come, too.”_

Jiwon choked on his saliva a little, taken aback. He hadn't expected this at all. He didn't know what Hanbin was trying to accomplish, coming to the kind of party he had always tried to avoid in the past.

“ _Bin, you’re very good as you are. You don't need to change anything. If you don't like parties, that's fine with me.”_

He tried to reassure him, though not really sure of what was bothering him.

“ _Let me come, Jiwon.”_

Hanbin's motives he missed completely, but he nodded. If he wanted to test things out, try out new stuff, that was fine too. And it was actually best if he was there, the moment he decided to take the dive. So they left together.

They walked the streets brightly lit by lampposts for ten minutes, until they reached Jisoo's house. Without even ringing the doorbell or announcing their arrival, Jiwon opened the gate and entered the garden. Everything was lit on all sides, by garlands, eccentric lamps. The lawn was covered in confetti and colorful balloons. The deafening music could be heard even from outside, and filtered through the windows, although closed. On the upstairs balcony, four or five people stood against the railing, heavily drunk. In the blue pool, several people had already taken their clothes off. He couldn't help but cringe. Overall it looked like a party he didn’t want to be a part of.

Hanbin was standing close behind him. He was not at all comfortable and it showed. Jiwon led him through the crowd. He greeted people who recognized him and yelled at him. And as soon as they turned to see who was accompanying him, their jovial faces froze, and they stopped screaming. The chestnut being there obviously piqued their curiosity.

They climbed the porch’s small three steps, and went through the front door. Immediately the music overwhelmed them, echoing even in their stomachs. He grabbed the younger’s hand so as not to lose him.

It wasn't long before he found Junhoe, accompanied by Donghyuk, Jinhwan and Yunhyeong. He couldn't help but smile when he saw his friends. And despite the curious glances they cast him and his company, he did feel like explaining their newfound proximity. It wasn’t long before they were served a drink. He didn't know what was in it, and usually he wouldn't have really paid any attention, but he still tasted what they had put in Hanbin's glass, before giving it to him. Just to be sure there wasn’t something weird in it.

The more they spoke, the more people came to participate in the discussion. People naturally gathered around them. Jiwon kept exchanging laughs and drinking, like a fish in the ocean. What was supposed to be a short night out lasted a lot longer than expected. At one point in the night he was separated from his friend. Junhoe had taken him somewhere away from him, and intoxicated, he had let him.

Jisoo elbowed her way through the crowd gathered near them to join him. He greeted her, forgetting in the madness of the moment to wish her a happy birthday. He had shown up without a gift either. He complimented her party although he didn't mean a single word he had just said, but if it took just one lie to make her happy, it was fine with him. She smiled at him, said something to him, touched him, and he answered politely. She liked him a lot and it was eye-popping. As innocently as possible, he kept a certain distance between them. She was adorable, and pretty, but he wasn't interested. And he didn't want her to get worked up on her own.

They kept giving him glasses, and he continued to empty them. He was used to drinking, he was a good drinker. And he had no idea that fatigue and stress could greatly diminish his high tolerance.

An hour later he was a mess. He had rarely felt so bad, so nauseous. Jisoo had wrapped an arm around his chest, and was helping him stay upright. Eyebrows raised and eyes glued to his face, she tiptoed to whisper something in his ear. When she pressed her cheek to his, she cleared his field of vision. He immediately noticed Hanbin, sitting three meters away, in a high chair. He was leaning against the wall, hair disheveled, cheeks flushed. His shiny skin was beaded with sweat. He had a barely drank anything from the glass in his hand. The same glass he had been holding for hours. Surrounded by other people, he was lit at random intervals by the party lights, which sent colored rays on his bruised face. He was laughing a little at what Jinhwan was saying, sat opposite, then he would try to take a sip of his drink. He was probably telling himself that after all this time, he'd gotten used to the taste. But he ended up putting his glass back down, wiping his lips and wincing, because even after all this time, that beer was still so gross.

Jiwon no longer heard the music, nor what Jisoo whispered in his ear. Then Hanbin turned his head towards him. In the midst of all this crowd, they found each other in a fraction of a second. Jisoo stooped down, glued to him.

“ _I like you, Jiwon_ ,” she whispered shyly.

With his eyes glued on Hanbin, he rested his palm on the young woman's shoulder, and pushed her back a little.

“ _Sorry...”_

She unwrapped her arm from his torso, and looked up at him.

“ _But I'm already in love with someone.”_

Confused, she followed his gaze to its destination, then froze. When realization hit him, he let go of her abruptly. To know it was one thing, to admit it out loud was another.

“ _Fucking hell, you can’t be serious.”_

Totally drunk, it took him a while to recognize Junhoe's voice. His best friend grabbed him by the arm and pulled him along. He stopped in the gravel path leading to the garage, to the left of the pool where everyone was having fun. They were alone, outside. Jiwon was cold and confused.

“ _You’ve got this golden opportunity to get laid, and you say no because you like a guy ?”_

His best friend’s disagreeable tone made him suddenly emerge.

“ _You're not in love with Hanbin, you fucking moron ! Listen, you're just curious. You've always been like that. You get something stuck in your head and you can’t get enough of it. But once you get a taste of it, you get tired.”_

Junhoe was pacing the grass, trying to explain his totally absurd point of view.

“ _Even when we were kids, you were like that. You made a new friend, they were your favorite person for days, but then you got bored of them and you’d go back to normal.”_

He made big gestures, launched into his eccentric theories. He was clearly very drunk, and in a daze, but that in no way excused what he was saying.

“ _You're not a fag, Jiwon. You're just frustrated. You're going to fuck Jisoo, and everything will be fine.”_

He came back up to him and rested his hands on his shoulders.

“ _You’re out of his league anyway. He looks like a fucking kicked puppy. I'm sure he gets beaten up by his daddy when he gets home if he didn’t get all A at school.”_

And maybe it was the build-up of alcohol, fatigue, stress, all the bullshit Junhoe had just spouted, and certainly the obvious jab at Hanbin, that caused Jiwon to be completely taken over by an uncontrollable drive. With one hand he grabbed his best friend's collar, and with the other he punched him without measuring his strength. Junhoe crashed onto the ground in a groan, insulted him once, drawing the other party guests’ attention. Jiwon lunged at him and hit him two or three more times. It didn’t take long for him to get hit as well. Around them a circle had formed and people were shouting, encouraging them, taking bets. Straddling his best friend, knuckles red and sore, and nose dripping with blood, Jiwon was teaching him a lesson.

Donghyuk was the first to try to separate them. Yelling at them to stop, saying they had gone mad. Then Yunhyeong grabbed him under the arms, and forcibly pulled him away from Junhoe, who, lying on the ground, was continually complaining.

“ _If you ever say anything about him ever again I'll fuck you up, you hear me ?”_ Jiwon yelled, out of his mind with rage. “ _You disgusting piece of shit !”_

He was screaming, trying to push Yunhyeong away to get a few more punches in. Jinhwan was helping Junhoe get up. They both looked like a mess.

It was Hanbin's intervention that helped him completely get out of his violent trance. The younger stood in front of him, holding him calmly. His voice soft and soothing, he asked him to calm down. Jiwon swallowed hard. All the bones in his hands and face hurt him. Hanbin grabbed him by the hand, and led him to the upstairs bathroom. He made him sit on the toilet. They both remained motionless for an indefinite period of time. Jiwon kept shaking and his breath was uneven, from the pain and the adrenaline rush.

The chestnut grabbed a handful of toilet paper, and wiped as much as he could of the blood that stained his skin. He checked that his nose was not broken, asked him if he could see well, if he felt nauseous, if he had a headache. The brunette let himself be handled and answered diligently.

When he was done, Hanbin sat down on the edge of the tub, and sighed. He rubbed his face between his hands, visibly exhausted. Jiwon looked at him for a while. Then he stood up, walked over and stopped in front of him.

“ _Hanbin.”_

The aforementioned raised his head.

_“I need a hug.”_

Without a word, Hanbin exhaled slowly and stood up. Then he put his arms over his broad shoulders, and pulled him closer to his torso. Jiwon buried his head in the crook of his neck, and hugged him as tightly as he could.

Alone in the middle of the bathroom, they exchanged a painful embrace.

“ _Thank you.”_


	8. hanbin ─ Let me be your shelter, as you are mine

The party was about to end. Through the bathroom window, Hanbin saw all the guests leaving, looking unhappy. The garden where the two best friends had fought earlier was gradually getting deserted. Their argument had certainly brought down the elated mood.

He closed his eyes, his face against Jiwon's shoulder. Clinging to him like an oyster to his rock, the taller one refused to let go. He smelled of alcohol, the bitter smell of cold tobacco, the fruity fragrance of a woman's perfume. A mixture of scent he wasn’t used to smelling on his skin.

That evening Jiwon had been like a different person. From the moment he had let go of his hand, something about him had felt foreign. Hanbin had been dragged away by Junhoe, who had very clearly been trying to separate them all night, and had eventually succeeded. He had found himself away from him, surrounded by very heavily drunk guys, whose names he already couldn't remember.

He had felt like he had come back to square one. Sitting in his corner with people he didn't know, whom he wasn’t interested in. Looking at the oldest from afar, seeing him talk and laugh with the others, being noisy, attracting attention. He had sat there for an hour, staring at him, waiting for the moment when he would finally meet his gaze. Like all those other times at school, when he was still wondering what kind of degenerate he was. But now it was him, the weird one.

As for this huge gap that there had always been between them, and that he felt like he had maybe gotten over... perhaps it had never really been the case, in the end.

Pressed against Jiwon's chest, he almost found it hard to breathe. He heard him sniffle, then gently pull his head away from his neck. He saw his brows furrow on his red, half-closed eyelids. Blood had started to flow from his nose again. Once more he used toilet paper to clean it. The brunette didn’t recoil, totally drunk. He didn't seem like he wanted to talk, either. A few inches away from his face, he could feel the warmth radiating from his skin. To his astonishment, he was not disturbed by their proximity. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. He jumped and the access to the bathroom opened. Immediately, his elder went back to his previous position, concealed against his neck. Embarrassed, he rested his palms on his shoulders to push him away a little, but the arms around him tightened even more, and he was unable to pull away.

Jisoo's feminine figure appeared in the crack. She saw them, and for a short moment she froze. He felt all his blood rush to his head.

He had seen her try to get closer to Jiwon all evening. Slightly shy she had waited until he was isolated and tipsy to take the first step, to initiate contact. He wasn't particularly experienced in the field, but it didn't take a social genius to realize that, from the start, she had only had one thing on her mind. She wanted him.

Ashamed, he didn't know what to say. The older one, with his back to the door, didn't even seem to care about someone else's presence. He saw her swallow, look down quickly, and gradually she regained her composure.

“ _The others are gone_ ,” she announced, her voice soft. “ _Junhoe too.”_

He nodded, feeling uncomfortable.

“ _Thank you.”_

She smiled at him, kindly. She looked like she wanted to help, to take care of Jiwon. She was surely waiting for a suitable opportunity to offer him to take over. And even though he had noticed it, he couldn't help but pretend he didn't understand the signals she was sending him. The brunette reeked of beer, cigarettes and perfume. All these things he hated. But still there was this unpleasant feeling, itching deep in his heart. That kind of excruciating tingling, which made him feverish.

He didn't want to let her have him.

He turned his head to the side, and his cheek slightly came in contact with the older’s.

“ _Jiwon, we're going home_ ,” he whispered.

The aforementioned let out a little whimper. He had no idea how he was going to manage, to drag his drunken body to the loft, but he would rather suffer than leave him alone with Jisoo, for some reason.

Jiwon released his grip, seemingly realizing that they were going to start moving. The chestnut put on of his arms around his shoulders.

“ _Are you sure you'll be okay ?”_

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the young woman fiddling with her fingers. He felt bad to ignore her. She just wanted to help them. There was nothing mean or malicious in her, on the contrary. But he just couldn't give in to her. He was acting like a child.

“ _Yes_ ,” he replied.

By some sort of miracle Jiwon started walking. The hardest part was to go down the stairs. Once down, everything would be easier.

They went out into the garden. The lawn was covered in trash : plastic cups, beer bottles, exploded balloons and forgotten clothes. The garlands no longer twinkled, nor the invisible stars in the dark sky. Everything was silent, and it was almost melancholic.

“ _Hanbin !”_

He was about to go through the gate, when Jisoo shouted at him. He turned, glancing over the brunette's arm. Standing on the porch, feeling cold in her thin dress, she stopped to think for a brief moment. Then her face winced, eyes shining with tears, which she held back as best she could. Hesitant, she squeezed her hands between them. He didn't understand what was happening to her.

“ _Take care of him.”_

That was all she managed to articulate. Reluctantly she went inside, and closed the door behind her. At that precise moment, Hanbin felt a strange satisfaction… a foreign sensation. He felt like he had just won.

He dropped Jiwon on his bed. He slumped miserably against the mattress, legs hanging out. Out of breath, the chestnut sat down next to him. After dragging him all the way home, he had helped him climb step by step the apartment’s interminable staircase. He laid down on his back and inhaled deeply. After a few minutes of silence, curious as to why the older one still hadn't moved, he turned to the side. And the reason was that he had already fallen asleep.

So still and peaceful, he almost looked like a normal guy, not a deranged stalker. Without realizing it, he let his pupils run along his sharp jaw, and swept all his features, all the way to the multiple piercings in his left ear. Jiwon had already admitted to knowing full well that a breathtaking number of girls were chasing after him. But he was wrong. Because it wasn't just girls. Guys couldn't take their eyes off him too. Maybe out of jealousy, or fascination, and probably a little because of both.

Watching him so closely, it was easy to understand why others admired him so much. There was something very special about him, something electrifying.

There was something haunting about the way he walked, as if the world was his. In the contrast between his proud appearance and his humble personality. In the nervous shaking of his hands, whenever he tried to be gentle. And in the adorable squinting of the corners of his eyes, as he smiled.

Jiwon groaned and rocked onto his side. Hanbin tensed completely when his face almost came to rest against his. In panic, he instantly closed his eyelids.

Once again, it was the brunette's mother who woke them up the next day. Seeing them both dressed, lying on top of the covers, she thought for a moment that they had already gotten ready. But the elder's foul-smelling clothes and gravity-defying hair did not support that thought. So, like lifeless automatons, the two boys stood up and got themselves ready without speaking a word. And again she drove them to the hospital in her shiny vehicle.

He had a terrible day. First, because as soon as they arrived, all eyes turned to him and Jiwon. Gossip and rumors ran without restraint in the crowd, by more or less discreet whispers. They were trying to guess the reason for his presence the day before, on the one hand. On the other, they wondered about the argument between the two best friends. Jisoo was quiet in her corner, and everyone was pitying her, because they had ruined her great party.

The rumors were roaming freely, but Jiwon clearly couldn’t care less about it. Hands in his pockets, the hood of his black sweatshirt pulled up over his messy hair, he stared straight ahead, frowning. The bridge of his nose was red and bruised, his upper lip was slightly cut, and the numerous scarlet wounds on his knuckles looked terrible. He certainly had a terrible headache, too, and surely an upset stomach as well. But his nonchalant behavior greatly helped him put things into perspective. Maybe it wasn’t that bad after all.

Junhoe, on the other hand, looked like a mess. He had one hell of a black eye on his right side, and a bunch of little bruises and cuts all over his face. The three of them were banged up, covered in bandages, and it looked like they had been caught in a gang war. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

Minho spent his morning lecturing them. Because he and Junhoe looked like delinquents, and their wounds scared some patients. And as the obnoxious tall dark-haired man refused to speak to him, seeming to hate him even more than he had hated him before that party, the pediatrician decided that they would both have lunch together in the cafeteria. Just the two of them, without Jiwon, without anyone. To make sure they obeyed his orders, he watched over them throughout the meal.

Hanbin had eagerly waited for his break time, to hopefully decompress for a short time with his friend. But he didn’t get the chance, and only came out of this experience even more exhausted than he had been. He just wanted to chat with Jiwon, to hear him laugh. He needed something to make him feel better. And luckily, they passed by each other in the hallway in the afternoon. They exchanged a brief, warm smile, and a pointed look. Immediately he felt as if he had inhaled a huge breath of fresh air.

From this meeting on, Junhoe became awful with him. When Minho had his back to them, when he wasn't looking, he pushed him a little out of the way. He sandwiched him between his body and the walls to force him to walk behind. He kept interfering with his work, interrupting him whenever he tried to talk, and he was making him make mistakes. He was acting like a kid, a little schoolyard tyrant. Nothing new in Hanbin’s miserable existence, because he had already dealt with this kind of nastiness before. And he couldn’t help but wonder how someone as patient and gentle as Jiwon could be this despicable guy’s best friend.

To all this was added the astronomical number of patients in need of a consultation. Wednesdays were always so hectic. Because kids got out of school at noon, and then went about their extra-curricular activities, like playing sports. And an unconscious kid, plus a potentially dangerous practice, usually ended up in a big wound and an entry ticket to the emergency room.

Hanbin had helped treat broken arms and sprained ankles on young children all afternoon. Hurriedly crossing the hallway, he went to the emergency room to check if there was any other patient, as Minho had asked him. The doctor kept trying to keep him as far away from the patients as possible, because of his current yakuza-like features.

He was forced to stop when someone grabbed his wrist. For a split second and without really understanding why, he thought it was Jiwon. But when he saw the unknown face that towered over his, he suddenly became disillusioned.

He was a boy his age, maybe a little younger. Soaked in sweat, he held him down with all his strength, so that he wouldn't escape. Hanbin tried to free himself from his painful grip, without any success. He was much weaker than his attacker. He saw the guy lower his fearful pupils to his lab coat, scanning him up and down. Then after a short moment of silence, during which he seemed to think deeply, he pulled him into one of the hallways and isolated them from the rest of the world.

He locked them in the restroom, a long, narrow room with several grey cubicles. They were all free. Meaning they were alone. Tense, the chestnut struggled to stay calm. The other finally let go, and stood right behind the door. Certainly to prevent him from running away. Hanbin massaged his arm to get rid of the prickly sensation that numbed his fingers, as he pulled away from him as much as possible.

“ _You work here, don't you ? I saw you come out of pediatrics.”_

His voice was trembling, his gaze fleeing. He was terrified and that made him all the more dangerous. Hanbin nodded his only response. Discreetly, he clutched his phone in his pocket. Then pressing the first button on his keypad for a second or two, he called Jiwon's number.

“ _What's your name ?”_

Eyes glued on the stranger, he faintly heard the sound of his friend picking up the phone.

“ _Hanbin_ ,” he replied, trying to sound as natural as possible.

He didn't wait for his partner to assimilate the statement, and immediately started talking.

“ _You dragged me into the second floor’s bathroom just to know my name ?”_

He gave away his location as sneakily as possible. Hopefully Jiwon would get the message. The low screeching sound from the electronic device ceased. His friend had stopped speaking.

“ _No.”_

The young man removed his backpack from his shoulders, and holding the straps in one hand, he rummaged inside. He grabbed a transparent plastic folder full of documents, and threw it at him. He caught it before it slapped him in the face. On the cabinet with all the sinks, he lined up the few pictures he had been given. From a distance, the boy pointed to one of them.

“ _This is my first urogram. A month ago I had a kidney stone and I was hospitalized. But that's not what's important.”_

Impatient, he urged him to look at the other photo.

“ _This is my second urogram. I took it in a private clinic a week ago.”_

He first noticed his name, written at the bottom of one of the photos. Jung Chanwoo. Then he glanced at the picture, and he froze for a moment. He wondered what he was looking at. And suddenly he understood.

“ _So. Tell me, what's wrong ?”_

He was too preoccupied with what he was seeing to answer. But the taller one was getting angrier by the second, and agitated. So much so that when he felt he had been silent for too long, he rushed over to him and grabbed him by the collar.

“ _I'm missing a fucking kidney, that's what's wrong !”_

The man named Chanwoo shook him brutally, and pushed him to the wall. He slammed one of the porcelain basins with his fist, and didn't even seem affected by the collision.

“ _So you’re gonna tell me what you and your little doctor friends are up to in this shitty hospital, before I force you to spit it out.”_

Hanbin caught sight of him approaching, and immediately tensed up. He was having trouble assimilating the situation. This guy had been admitted to the hospital, and had one of his kidneys removed during an operation, without anyone warning him ? Worse, for no apparent reason ? It just didn't make any sense. He couldn't say anything. He didn't know what to say, actually. He needed time to think about it all, however Chanwoo didn't seem to be willing to wait.

Suddenly his attacker let out a shrill cry and loudly cursed. Then he was forced to let go, and to bend in half. Jiwon was standing behind him, holding him and pupils lowered in a furious expression. Out of breath, his neck was glistening with sweat. He looked like he had run. He held his arms tightly locked behind his back with one hand, and pushed onto his shoulder with the other.

“ _Let go of me !”_

Chanwoo tried to break free, without success. The elder forced him to lean against the cabinets.

“ _I said let go of me !”_

Hanbin watched him press his attacker a little harder against the flat surface. Reassured, he lifted himself off the wall he had tried to take refuge against.

“ _Stop yelling and we'll talk like civilized people_ ,” Jiwon lectured, strangely calm.

It took a few minutes for the former patient to obey him. All the while, the older one had not let go of his hold on him, and the chestnut had stayed away.

“ _You good now ?”_

Chanwoo nodded, obviously finally ready to talk. Jiwon did not let go, however.

“ _Go ahead, tell me what's going on.”_

The young man repeated exactly what he had told him a while ago, as if he had learned everything by heart, as if he had repeated it in his mind countless times. The more he went deeper in his explanations, the more Jiwon's placid expression closed up. Hanbin watched him, worried and disturbed, wondering what the hell he was thinking.

“ _I swear I'm not crazy. I have proof. I have urograms, and, and… you just have to look at my back ! Look at my back.”_

The brunette remained motionless for a moment, then with a nod of his chin, he motioned for him to approach. Hanbin complied, and lifted the t-shirt off the skin until he saw a hideous swollen scar. It corresponded to what Chanwoo was saying ; firstly because it had nothing to do there, then because it had very obviously been sewn up in a hurry, and also because it was on the right side. As soon as he caught a glimpse of the closed wound, Jiwon let go. He let Chanwoo sit up, and massage his neck.

“ _See ? I’m not crazy.”_

He couldn't take his eyes off his friend. He seemed to know something.

“ _I believe you_ ,” Jiwon said low.

When the words left the brunette's mouth, Chanwoo’s anger faded away instantly. A shaky breath escaped his lips, his eyes flooded with tears and his face contracted into a wince of pain. There was no longer any doubt. Hanbin didn't know in what circumstances this had happened, but it had happened. He hardly dared imagine what the poor boy was feeling. What he must have felt, when he had realized that one of his organs had been stolen from him, in a public place, by an institution people were supposed to be able to trust blindly.

They stayed with him a little while. Jiwon was speaking to him gently, being extremely mature and kind, showcasing his incredible composed self. He advised him to go to the police station and explain the situation to them, instead of trying to solve the case on his own. He gave him his phone number so he could keep him posted on the progress of things. He assured him that he was not alone, and that he believed in his story. And maybe that was all Chanwoo had ever needed, because he left the hospital before dark.

That evening, that was all they could talk about. Sitting on the bed, face to face, they discussed the various incidents they had witnessed. Hanbin still vividly remembered the marks on Mihi's thighs, and the way she had been unable to tell him what had been going on. Jiwon told him everything he had found suspicious. The more he said, the less safe they felt.

He took his face in his hands, exhausted. With everything going on right now, he felt like his energy was dwindling. Even though he slept well with his friend, it was like trying to fill a broken bathtub with water. His energy kept emptying itself out for no reason.

On top of everything that was bothering him, their end-of-semester exams were approaching fast. He had his internship report to turn in, his notes to study, his exercises to work on. All his notes had stayed over at his house. He dreaded even the idea of going home, even if it was only for a short while, even if it was at a time when he was sure he wouldn’t see his mother.

Their first internship period was going to end at the end of the week. They would then go back to university for a few days and take their exams, and next resume their internship for two more weeks, as part of the second semester. This in a different service, probably. No more pediatrics.

He wished he didn't have to worry about his grades, about his scholarship. Nor about this absurd situation with the hospital. They were just two internship students, and they'd gotten into a mess worthy of an American blockbuster’s plot.

“ _Hanbin.”_

Startled, he snapped out of it. Jiwon was looking at him, serious. He must have sensed that he was spiraling down. Drowning himself in dark thoughts, like all those other times. With his bruised and rough hands, he grabbed his, and slid his thumb against his skin.

“ _It's going to be fine, don't worry.”_

Hanbin closed his eyes and plunged himself into the dark. Jiwon had no idea what was tormenting him, nor how much it was bothering him. Despite everything, he was determined to tell him that everything was going to be okay.

He was afraid that he would change his mind, if he got to discover everything that was wrong with him. Jiwon wasn't the type to like complications. In order not to confront Junhoe, his best friend, he was ignoring and avoiding him. He didn't like being inconvenienced, always stayed away from arguments, conflicts, trouble. He was afraid that telling him the truth would scare him away.

He opened his eyelids a little. His indecisive pupils glued to their intertwined fingers. His heart hurt in his chest.

“ _Tomorrow_ ,” he suddenly blurted out.

The sound of his broken voice made him stop in the middle of his sentence. He tried as best he could to be calm again.

“ _I want to stop by my house... to get some things.”_

He paused briefly. He felt like his vocal cords were going to die out before he could finish.

“ _You want to come with me ?”_

Discreetly he looked up at Jiwon. Instantly he met his gaze. He was surprised. They both were, in fact. Then the brunette nodded silently, without asking any questions. They laid down, both feeling bothered, full of apprehension for the day to come.

Hanbin dreaded this visit the whole morning, as short as it would be. They had agreed to go to his house during their lunch break, at a time when he was almost certain not to meet anyone. So, at noon, they set out for the slum.

The deeper they went into the old streets, the more the brunette's face closed. Hanbin's mouth was mushy, and it was difficult to swallow. He was nauseous, and his empty stomach was cramping painfully. He kept glancing furtively at the older man, who was looking around him, silently. In the bloody climb, he thought he was going to pass out. Yet he had climbed it countless times, be it on an empty stomach, or without having slept all night, completely exhausted. Never had he felt so weak as he was at this moment.

He stopped in front of the creaky wooden door leading to the garden. He wanted to turn around. To act like he had taken a wrong turn somewhere, to lie and say that he didn't know where he was. That he didn’t need his things after all. And if he hadn't been so sure it would be a waste of time, and that Jiwon would never believe him, he might have tried.

He felt a comforting hand rest on his back. Clenching his teeth, he pushed open the access and revealed the tiny, broken down dwelling. He went straight to the entrance, released the rusty latch that kept everything locked, and stepped inside, while bending down.

Nothing had changed. Everything remained exactly as he had left it. The dilapidated walls, the moldy frame, the deteriorated furniture. The laundry basket filled to the brim, the dirty dishes in the sink. On the floor, everything his mother had thrown in his face. On the ground, in the dust, the trampled scarf. He crouched down to retrieve it. Gently he slid his hands over the soft fabric to rid it of the dirt.

He stood up, legs numb. Then he turned to Jiwon, who was frozen in the entrance. He was surely disgusted. The place was awful after all. He looked like he didn’t belong anywhere near here, in the midst of all this misery. With his perfect appearance, his perfect clothes, his perfect life. Looking like a diamond in a pile of coal. Hanbin, him, was where he belonged. He was nothing but a small black pebble.

“ _Which one’s your room ?”_

The brunette's serene voice forced him to come to his senses. Hesitant, he guided him into his personal space. They both entered the small room, which was a bit cramped. Jiwon immediately raised his head to the ceiling.

“ _You’re right, it does look like South America.”_

It took a moment for him to understand what he was talking about. When he got it, he couldn't help but laugh. While he was giggling, the older boy had already started looking at the incredible piles of notebooks on his rickety shelf. Absent-mindedly, he flipped through one’s pages.

“ _Wow. I knew you took a bunch of notes in class, but not that many. It’s so clean, and easy to understand. Mine look like a 5 year-old wrote them.”_

Hanbin chuckled again at his remark. Without realizing it, he already felt much less nauseous.

“ _You're amazing.”_

He froze at the incongruous compliment. He wasn’t amazing. He was nothing.

Jiwon was smiling peacefully, almost like he was proud. In here he looked like an ethereal being, a divine apparition. Hanbin was afraid he would let the charcoal dull his luster.

He collected everything he needed to study for his exams. He stuffed it all in his bag as quickly as possible. The brunette, seeming very little disturbed by the environment, was going around his business. Either he really didn't care, or he was very good at feigning it. Strangely he couldn't find out.

They didn't hang around for long. As soon as Hanbin was finished with his business, they left the old house. He guided his friend through the muddy garden, holding him by the hand, afraid that he would get dirty. Suddenly, he heard the creaking of their gate, and he froze. At this hour, it was almost impossible that it was his mother. They didn't have anything worth stealing, either, so it wasn't an intruder. It could only be his brother.

Terrified of being seen, he glanced at Jiwon. The latter, motionless, looked over the entrance about to open with a puzzled look. Without thinking any longer, he pulled him along with him. He locked them both in the cramped shower stall. A baby's gurgling confirmed his fears. Back to the wood, he found it difficult to breathe. He was clinging to the brunette's arm and was too scared to let go. Jiwon held his cold hand in his, irises focused on him. Expression distorted by shame, the chestnut regretted having asked him to accompany him. Because of his stupidity, Jiwon had to witness this kind of pitiful event. It was pathetic.

He heard his brother enter every room, as if he was looking for something. Or someone. After a while he came out of the house. His steps stopped in the garden for a moment, then he left as he had come. The tension dropped abruptly, so quickly that Hanbin wasn't sure he would be able to stand on his legs any longer.

In the coldness of this early afternoon, he felt Jiwon's hands caress his red face. With his icy thumbs he wiped the tears that had rolled down his cheeks without him noticing. He relaxed immediately under his touch.

“ _Hanbin.”_

His name, leaving the brunette's lips, took with it a cloud of mist.

“ _Do you trust me ?”_

The question, sudden, left him confused. Still, perfectly relaxed under the other's touch, he nodded.

“ _Then follow me.”_

With that, the brunette dragged him along with him. He didn't get the time – nor did he really have the inclination – to protest. They left the old neighborhood, and walked away from the city center. They even took the bus. It was a little bit after two p.m when they reached their destination. They were at the bottom of a mountain, in front of a steep path.

“ _Jiwon, what are you...”_

Before he could finish his sentence, the aforementioned began to climb two by two the steps leading to the top. Hanbin looked around. There was no one, it was just the two of them. What if something happened to them ? And weren't they skipping their internship ?

“ _Come on !”_

The gentle call made him look up. Jiwon was standing high up on the stairs. The dazzling rays of the sun, piercing through the foliage of the surrounding tall trees, fell like a veil of light on his smiling face. He looked like a free soul, so carefree and mischievous, with his natural spontaneity and casualness. He was simply dazzling.

Without trying to think too hard, he rushed after him. Seeing him approach, the other started running again, running away from him, laughing loudly. Shouting at him that he would never catch up to him.

That, Hanbin knew well… but he still wanted to try.

Near the end of their little race, he lost sight of him. He only got back to him when he reached the top. The brunette was standing near the edge, leaning against a rock. As soon as he saw him, he recovered his teasing, smirking look. Hanbin was gasping for air, heart beating fast for many reasons.

“ _So ? You like it ?”_

From this timeless place, they dominated the whole city. Seoul looked very small from above. The noisy cars and the hubbub caused by the crowds were so far away, too. The sky had covered itself with whitish clouds as they had ascended. They towered over the cityscape and shrouded it in a grey shadow. He was breathing hard, and the cold air was burning his throat. It invaded his lungs like blazing fire, and ignited his bones from within. In the foreground, in front of this breathtaking void, was the familiar silhouette of his friend.

He felt he didn’t have to care about anything. The exams approaching, his scholarship, his family problems, his financial situation. Even the fact that Minho was certainly looking for them everywhere, in the hospital, because it was already three-thirty, and they had been missing since noon. For once he thought of nothing other than the present moment. Him, standing at the top of this mountain, near Jiwon.

He let the brunette get closer to him, put an arm around his shoulders, and hug him to his chest. He smiled despite himself. He remembered the day he had noticed the insistent looks he was giving him. All the times he had caught him spying on him, and pretended not to see anything. He remembered their first conversation, on the stairs. They had only been close for two weeks, but he felt like that they had known each other forever. It was a strange feeling.

They came back down the mountain, oxygen filling their lungs, dreams filling their heads. Glued together like the two inseparable pieces of a puzzle. They hung out in town, took a stroll in a park, under the warm sun. Jiwon showed him the places where he had spent his childhood, from isolated basketball courts to game rooms of all kinds. He told him about all the times he had been chased around by the neighborhood’s moneylender, after kicking his soccer ball in the mirrors of his new expensive car. Then he got them something to eat at the street food stalls. They went home late in the evening, stomachs full, and hearts too.

What was bound to happen the next day, indeed happened. They had just stepped inside the hospital when Minho grabbed them both by their bags and dragged them away, into the break room. He looked impatient, but not flustered, or even disappointed. Arms crossed over his chest, he had them stand in a line in front of him, and he was waiting for them to apologize to him. They did.

“ _I hope you had fun_ ,” he blurted sarcastically, a little bitter. “ _Damn you young people.”_

Hanbin, who had gotten nauseous when he had seen him approach them, realized just how much he had worried for nothing. The pediatrician didn't hold it against them. On the contrary, it almost seemed to amuse him. Jiwon told him everything that they had done. Minho pretended to be irritated, but he listened to him and tried to keep himself from smiling. After a while of bickering gently with the brunette, he let them go.

“ _Don’t ditch me ever again !”_

He treated them like children, and they snickered quietly. Later, they learned that he had made up an excuse for them by telling Jinwoo he had sent them clean the folders in the archive room once again.

He decided to spend his last hours in the pediatric department with Mihi. For this, he visited the other patients’ rooms first. He bade them farewell. They thanked him for his patience and for his kindness. He didn't feel like he had done much, nor that he deserved the compliments he was being given, yet he politely thanked them. It was five o'clock when he was finally able to make his way to Mihi's secluded room. He only had about thirty minutes to say goodbye to her. The little one cried big tears, and he couldn't tell if it was only because she didn't want him to go, or if she had another reason too. Then he left her without further ado. Promising her that he would come back to see her as soon as the second part of his internship started, even if he was busy in another department.

All of the students met in the same meeting room they had reunited in on the first day. Many things had changed since then. Their relationships, their state of mind. As soon as he entered the room, he noticed Jiwon, who had already found a seat at the end of the table. He had put his bag on the chair to his right, to keep it for him. With a slight smile he joined him.

After a while, Minho began to speak. He congratulated them for their seriousness, for having been present every day, without fail. He couldn’t resist glancing at the two skipping boys, who had to keep from laughing. Then he gave them some valuable advice so they could write their report well, and wished them good luck with their exams.

“ _Until next time ! And don't be late_ ,” he added before chasing them away.

That evening, they left the hospital without thinking about talking to the pediatrician about their concerns. Perhaps because of the emotion, or the other students being there, or their own lack of responsibility. They were just two big kids preoccupied with their own affairs, after all.

They walked back in the night. Hanbin strolled slowly, peaceful. His cold hand clasped in his friend’s gloved one.

They studied for their exams. Jiwon was sprawled on the bed, a bundle of scribbled sheets in hand. He was working diligently, sitting at the desk. He redrew his anatomy diagrams, checked the results of his math exercises, copied his chemistry formulas over and over again. He already knew almost everything by heart, but he needed to be sure, he needed to reassure himself. They only had a few days to get it right. They had no time to waste.

However, when the older man felt he had studied enough, he dropped his unreadable notes on his bedside table, and turned to the side.

“ _Bin.”_

The aforementioned replied with an low groan, pupils glued on his algebra. He heard him wriggle in the bed sheets.

“ _Bin_ ,” Jiwon complained, making the sound of his voice drag longer.

Hanbin ended up turning around. As soon as he saw he had his attention, the brunette smiled, gently patted the mattress, and opened his arms. It didn’t take a genius to understand what he wanted. He felt his stomach twist painfully, his throat tighten, and he wondered what was going on.

He couldn’t resist for very long. With an exasperated sigh, he gave up his studying and laid down facing Jiwon. The latter laughed lightly, in bliss, put his arms around him, hugged him tightly and closed his gentle eyes.

In the silent room, dimly lit by the glow of the desk lamp, Hanbin kept his eyes open for a moment.

Trying to calm the quickening rhythm of his crazed heart… without understanding what was happening to him.


	9. jiwon ─ Even as everything we ever built breaks apart

Jiwon woke up, half of his chest crushed under Hanbin's weary body. He stretched out one arm, squeezing him with the other and hugging him. He sighed in comfort and briefly rubbed his eyes to get them used to the bright rays of the sun, streaming through his window. Then he pressed his cheek to the younger's hair, and inhaled gently. Tenderly he let his hand slide down his back.

“ _Bin, it's eleven,”_ he whispered, voice hoarse.

The aforementioned groaned, frowned, leaned a little harder against him and sheltered himself from the light by snuggling into his neck.

It was bright outside, and obviously very cold. He decided in his mind that they weren't going to step outside all day. He decided he would just hang out in his room, with his friend, enjoying his warmth, their closeness.

After a while, the chestnut finally opened his eyes. Slowly he straightened up and sat down cross-legged. His crumpled t-shirt barely covered the red boxers he was wearing as pajama bottoms. Still lethargic, he rubbed his reddened eyelids. Jiwon tenderly slid his fingers through his disheveled hair to comb it up a bit. Immediately, like a cat, the youngest melted under his caresses.

“ _Wanna watch a movie ?”_

After a short hesitation, he nodded with a small pout.

“ _Stay here, I'll go get something to eat_ ,” the brunette said as he got up from the bed.

He saw him nod right before he limply fell back in the sheets, and he chuckled lightly. As quickly as possible, he went down the loft’s stairs and searched the cupboards in their kitchen. On a wooden tray he piled everything he wanted, and everything he thought the other might want. He came back up with a mountain of sweet and snacks, pastries or chips, it didn't matter.

He headed back to the bed, grabbing the TV remote as he passed by it. Hanbin was struggling to keep his eyes open, clutching a pillow. He thought he was adorable. At least more than usual. He sat back by his side, setting the tray to their right. As soon as he stopped moving, his partner curled up against him again.

He didn’t really give a damn about what kind of movie they were watching. He had placed one of his arms behind his companion's back, to hug him to his chest, and with the other, he was feeding them what he was drawing from the innumerable food packages. The other opened his mouth whenever he presented something for him to eat, pupils riveted on the screen.

After two hours of viewing, Hanbin started yawning again. The older gently stroked his hair as he observed him. Without looking, he turned the television off.

“ _You wanna sleep a little more ?”_

The younger grunted, cheek squished against his chest. So Jiwon kept cuddling him until he closed his eyes. Until his arms relaxed against his waist and he fell asleep again.

In the brightly illuminated room there was no more noise. He could only hear the calm, steady hiss coming from Hanbin's breathing, and the beating of his heart against his arm. Tucked under the white blanket, his face relaxed and peaceful, he looked almost ethereal, untouchable. Yet Jiwon wanted to feel him against him. He wanted to cover him with kisses and slide his hands onto every inch of his burning skin.

He swallowed and hesitated to close his eyelids. As he had suspected, when he plunged himself into the darkness, he was overwhelmed by disturbing images, bewitching and obscene figures, erotic and sensual illusions, on the borderline between dream and nightmare. And when he forced himself to open his eyes again, to break away from those lustful dreams, the younger’s face appeared on his retina and his stomach twisted in guilt.

He stared at the ceiling for hours, paralyzed. It wasn't the first time this had happened to him. He had told him to trust him, to come closer to him, to accept physical contact. Hanbin had ended up enjoying it, and now he always let himself be touched, caressed, cuddled. Did he think it was normal for two friends to constantly hold onto each other, snuggling and cuddling all the time ?

He was afraid of what would happen if he found out that it really wasn't. And that, while he had been thinking perfectly innocent and pure thoughts, Jiwon, for his part, had imagined him in all kinds of lustful situations.

He really needed to talk about it. He would have liked to have someone to discuss it with. To get it out of his mind, to stop thinking about it. But after what had happened with Junhoe, he was afraid to bring up the subject with any other close friend.

He only came out of his torpor when the front door slammed. Night had already fallen, and they hadn't done anything but eat and sleep for the whole afternoon. From the second floor he heard his mother and sister coming in, speaking loudly. Sighing, he shifted his shoulder slightly.

“ _Boys, come down and eat !”_ their mom called from downstairs.

Hanbin woke up a bit abruptly. Jiwon smiled at his confused expression. He tried to make him believe he had slept for two days straight, but to no avail. His companion, nonetheless amused, chuckled as he put on pants before going down.

They went downstairs and joined the two girls in the living room. They had barely gotten there, and Jiyeon already greeted them with a hug. She told them about everything that had happened during her stay in the hospital. She had regained her energy, and the worries that had momentarily struck her during her hospitalization had completely vanished. Even as they ate dinner she continued to blabber, her mouth full. Like their mom, she didn't ponder about the other boy's presence, as if him being here was obvious. As soon as she finally took a short break from everything she had to say, their mother seized her chance to talk.

“ _Is the studying going well ?”_

There was a brief moment of unease, during which he remembered that they hadn't done anything all day, and that the exams were being held on Thursday. He wasn't really personally worried, but he felt Hanbin tense up to his right.

“ _Yes_ ”, he lied to evade the question.

Obviously aware of the tension she had just brought about, she moved on. With a smile she asked them what they wanted to eat for the week, if they needed anything in particular. Gently she always made sure to include Hanbin in the conversation, as if she was afraid he would feel left out, like an outsider.

The two boys eventually climbed back up, after spending some time with Jiyeon. As soon as he got back to their bedroom, Hanbin fell silent. Jiwon watched him settle down on the desk chair, unpack his things, open his notebooks. It only took him a short moment to understand. His mom’s innocent question must have disturbed him more than he had let appear. The brunette sat down on his bed, deciding to follow the younger's example. So he reviewed his notes, that were sometimes – most of the time – illegible. He studied for the courses he had mastered, for those he more or less remembered, and also for those he had totally forgotten about. After a while he stopped to take a break, to observe the chestnut boy that was still very focused. He scrolled down each of his social networks, and checked his texts to see if he had any news from Chanwoo. That night he fell asleep alone. The next day, when he woke up, Hanbin was lying between his arms.

They took advantage of this brief morning to take their time and discover each other. His partner seemed to have regained his composure since the day before. Snuggled up against him, he relaxed completely under his caresses. The older was running his fingers through his hair, letting them slide down his neck, his back, all the way to his thighs. He was handling him so he could hug him closer, and snuggle against him. And Hanbin didn’t seem to mind, eyes closed.

“ _What is it about me that first interested you ?”_

Jiwon stopped moving. The peaceful voice against his ear sent him an indescribable shiver.

“ _What is it that triggered your obsession ?”_ he clarified, giggling weakly at the word 'obsession'.

He probably thought it was funny, but this attraction being an obsession was little to say.

He felt like they'd had this conversation millions of times before, but he took a deep breath and started thinking about it, humming. Hanbin had those moments, in which he asked himself a lot of questions, in which doubt overwhelmed him. He figured he might as well take a little time to reassure him.

“ _Okay, I’ll tell you... but don't laugh.”_

Legs entwined and bodies pressed together, Jiwon felt him spasm when he chuckled once again.

“ _Okay, I promise I won't laugh.”_

The brunette heaved a sigh of apprehension. Maybe being in that position was for the best, after all. At least he couldn't see his friend's face or his reactions.

“… _At first it was because I thought you looked like my mom.”_

There was a moment of silence, which seemed endless to him. Then suddenly, Hanbin pulled away from him, and propped himself up on his elbows. He was holding back his laugh and it was obvious.

“ _What ? Seriously ?”_

Jiwon fidgeted in the bed and turned his back to him, sulking. When he had explained his strange fascination to Junhoe, the latter had mocked him and called him a mama’s boy. And though he'd always been used to his sharp tongue and witty insults, this time around, it had upset him a bit.

“ _You said you wouldn’t laugh.”_

He curled up on himself, like an armadillo, as if to protect himself. He felt the younger slide an arm over his waist, and rest his chin on his shoulder. He let him snuggle back against him. He heard him apologize weakly, tone slightly guilty, then he clutched his hand.

“ _And then ?”_

The older turned to the left, and his cheek touched his friend's. He raised an eyebrow questioningly.

“ _You said 'at first’, so… after, what was your reason ?”_

Jiwon rested his head on his pillow, and stared at the hazy sky through his bedroom’s huge window.

“ _Hmm… your determination ? Your devotion ?”_

He could feel Hanbin's heart beat against his back, and it was a strange sensation. But not unpleasant.

“ _The fact that you always took a seat in the auditorium’s first row, that you always have a bunch of books in your bag… the way you take your notes in class, as if your whole life depends on it… I thought that was cute.”_

He let his fingers intertwine with his, looking down.

“ _Sorry. I was stupid.”_

The chestnut didn't say anything, nor did he let go. Cradled in his arms, the older trembled imperceptibly.

“ _Maybe you were right. Maybe Junhoe is right. Maybe at first it was just misplaced curiosity… or contempt, because you put so much effort into something that seemed so meaningless to me…”_

His throat was burning. It was hard to admit things he had been relentlessly denying with all his might.

“ _Now I know. How important it is to you.”_

Gently he closed his eyelids.

“ _Now it's different.”_

They remained motionless for a few hours, in each other's embrace. Hanbin didn't ask any more questions. He was breathing calmly against him. Hands clasped in his. Without letting a single millimeter separate them.

Over the next few days, they alternated between studying, each session getting shorter than the previous one, and moments when they just hugged each other under the immaculate sheets. Little by little even the approaching exams got out of their minds. As if everything around them had become dull, as if the whole world had turned black and white, as if time had stopped. Because all that mattered to them was each other's warmth and color.

They hadn’t left the apartment for days, until Jinhwan managed to convince them to come out. On a Tuesday morning, he called to tell them that he was celebrating his birthday in the evening. Although it was a little early and his birthday wasn’t until a few days, he had wanted to celebrate before their end-of-semester exams happened. And even though Hanbin didn't seem perfectly at ease at the thought of going there – probably because he wanted to study before Thursday, and also because he was afraid of feeling like an intruder – they all the same ended up accepting.

There weren't many people. They were all sitting on the floor, around the coffee table in Jinhwan's living room. The latter, smiling and apparently in a good mood, was sipping his beer quietly, and keeping Junhoe busy. The two best friends had sat as far away from each other as possible, to avoid any altercation. Placed between Donghyuk and Yunhyeong, Hanbin and Jiwon were bound to spend a great evening.

In the background, covered by the hubbub created by all their mingled chatter, they had put on a playlist composed of silly and nostalgic songs from their teenage days. The brunette, never refusing a drink when offered one, accepted whatever Donghyuk and his new internship friends served him. Every now and then he glanced at Hanbin. Just to make sure he wasn't far away, that he wasn't isolated, that no one was forcing him to eat or drink anything. And everything seemed to be fine, for he was smiling as he was speaking with Yunhyeong and a girl whose name he no longer remembered. He didn't seem to be particularly uncomfortable.

There played several stupid card games, complicated drinking games, and had heated discussions about their uncertain future. Jinhwan led most of the conversations, main lead of the evening. As soon as the cake arrived, lit with all its cute candles in the dark, they resumed eating and drinking. Junhoe looked at the older with sparkling eyes, fascinated by every move he made, every word he said, and Jiwon finally realized how stupid he had been. Junhoe couldn’t even understand what was going on in his own mind, how could he have expected that he would understand what was going on in his ?

They left the party at around five in the morning, without having caused any trouble. Jiwon, totally drunk on tequila and beer, was having a hard time standing up straight. It was freezing cold outside. With each exhale, they let out a cloud of mist in the air. The chestnut was holding him by the waist. He couldn't stop laughing. Whenever they stumbled, he laughed even more. He turned his head towards him, towards his face lightly lit by the antiquated lampposts’ yellowish glow. He gripped the back of his neck, smiled at him, and let his forehead rest against his. The younger gently chuckled and kept smiling, even as he was struggling to keep them both standing on their own two legs.

They had been walking for a while, when suddenly it started to snow. Jiwon took advantage of Hanbin’s surprise to detach himself from him. Backing away, he ignored the flakes that clung to his hair and lashes, and melted when they came in contact with his burning skin.

“ _Wait for me, Jiwon.”_

The younger’s voice, distant, called out to him. He stopped at his command, and leaned against the iron railing on the sidewalk. His frozen fingers hurt when they rested against the cold metal.

“ _It's snowing, Bin.”_

A second later, the chestnut had caught up to him. He took his hands away from the icy railing, held them delicately, and brought them to his face. Then with incredible tenderness, he rubbed them gently, and sent a hot breath over them.

Everything was turning white. Hanbin’s shoulders were covered in tiny snowflakes. His nose was a bright red, and his lips too. Jiwon looked down, then closed his eyes completely. The wind was whispering a sweet melody in his ears… or maybe it was tinnitus. His body was tingling all over, his heart was beating fast, he had trouble breathing. Maybe he was tired, maybe he had drunk too much, maybe he was coming down with a cold. Or maybe it was something else.

Maybe he was young, happy, and in love.

“ _Hanbin.”_

They walked through the entrance hall’s main door, and their building’s comforting warmth shielded them from the cold.

“ _You need to know that... it's not normal, what I'm doing to you. Not between friends.”_

Hanbin was smiling, and he could have sworn he had never seen him smile so many times in such a short time.

“ _What’s not normal ?”_

As he asked his question, he rustled them both into the elevator.

“ _The hugging… and the stroking… and all the rest.”_

Jiwon replied, slurring his words. He had a hard time explaining where he was coming from. Before he could add any more, his partner giggled.

“ _You think I'm stupid ? Of course I know normal friends don’t do that.”_

The brunette raised one eyebrow. Standing against the loft’s front door, he let his friend help him remove his jacket and shoes. He wasn't sure what to answer, so he didn't say anything.

“ _But you're special, so you can.”_

Hanbin let go of him and he fell on the bed. He couldn't even remember how they had gotten upstairs. The chestnut was unbuttoning his shirt. He felt his cold hands on his skin ; his neck, his pecs, his lower stomach. He let him unbuckle his belt and pull his pants all the way down. His heart was going nuts, suffocated in his rib cage.

After a while, the younger laid down against him. Then there was no more noise. Irises glued on the ceiling, feverish, Jiwon swallowed.

It was probably because of the alcohol. And the snow. And what he had just heard. Or it was the accumulation of all this that suddenly gave him the strength to prop himself up. To turn around, to lean over Hanbin. To slide his hand on his neck and align their two faces.

He breathed out slowly. Hanbin’s eyelashes fluttered. He reveled in the softness of his surprised features. He wasn’t moving away. Jiwon gently closed his eyes. Feverish, he reduced the short distance between their lips.

Hanbin was special, too.

Before their lips even touched, he felt two hands rest on his shoulders, and push him back forcefully. Abruptly his eyes snapped open, and he fell back on the mattress. Suddenly the effects of the alcohol wore off. Baffled and confused, he searched for Hanbin's face.

His friend had scrambled far away from him, brows furrowed, knees to his chest and clinging to his shirt. His soft features distorted by some sort of bitter concern. He froze.

“ _Sorry_ ,” Jiwon stammered. “ _I... I thought that_...”

His voice broke in the middle of his sentence and he stopped, throat tight.

“ _I thought you...”_

Suddenly Hanbin stood up. With quick and unsteady steps, he rushed to the door.

“ _Hanbin !”_ Jiwon cried out, desperate.

The door slammed, and he was left alone. All alone. He had scared Hanbin away. He had just made him run away.

Mouth half open, breath stuck in his throat, he couldn't move. Little by little his eyes flooded painfully and his chest swelled up. Shaking imperceptibly, he clung to the sheets.

Silently, he shed a few tears in the dim light. He curled up on himself, as if to save the last pieces of his broken heart.

That night he slept alone.

The next day, they all had breakfast together. Hanbin behaved as usual, at least in front of Jiyeon and his mother. After the meal, when they were alone, he tried to approach him to talk to him. However, the chestnut instantly backed away, as soon as he saw him come forward. The brunette felt his guts twist. He ended up staying away.

They worked in their own corner all day. Jiwon couldn't concentrate on anything, so he gave up quickly. He laid back in bed, back to the desk where Hanbin had settled. He closed his eyes and slept until evening. Whenever the chestnut left the room to do whatever he was doing, he would wake up, only to fall back into a grieving sleep. Because when he was in such pain it was easier to sleep rather than to think. Hopefully he wouldn't have a dream, nor a nightmare. Around two in the morning, the youngest came and laid down on the edge of the bed, opposite him. As if he was afraid that they would accidentally touch each other. Or worse, that he would try to kiss him once more. So he spent a terrible night, pupils dilated as he stared blankly in the night.

They went to school for their exams. They both looked like they hadn't slept in days. The younger looked sick, upset. And Jiwon knew it was his fault.

He scribbled all the nonsensical stuff he had learnt on his exam sheet, hoping that at least something would get him to gather some points. He spent half of his very short given time just staring into the void, wondering what the hell he was doing there. He glanced at Hanbin, three seats away, leaning over his exam sheet, writing frantically. He seemed to be doing pretty well after all.

Was he really the only one who was messed up ? The only one with his heart screwed up ?

Had he seriously been that delusional about their relationship ? Was everything they had experienced and felt together so far really just an invention of his deranged mind? Was it all an illusion ?

Thursday and Friday passed and looked alike.

After the exams, Hanbin seemed to regain his composure. He started talking to him again, at least. Over time, the tensions dissipated, and it was almost as if nothing had ever happened. Jiwon let the days go by, wondering if everything was just back to how it was before. If he was once again going to get stuck in this vicious cycle of desire and guilt. If he was going to have to pretend he didn't feel anything when he looked at him for the rest of his miserable life, or if this relationship would end one day, as it was doomed to fail anyway.

He decided to act as if nothing had happened. Because being near Hanbin, even without being able to touch him, was better than nothing at all.

They went back to watching comedy series, action movies, and their meaningless chatter. They continued to sleep next to each other, but never hugged anymore, and never letting their hearts beat against each other's.

Jiwon went out a lot that week. They were going to have the exams results soon, and on top of everything else that was happening, it got him more worried than he would have liked to admit. So he figured the only way to get rid of his heartbreak and anxiety was to get drunk at parties with his friends and a bunch of people he didn’t know, nor was interested in. He partied and got wasted. Like the good old times. Hanbin no longer went with him everywhere. His relationship with Junhoe also improved considerably, since he wasn’t glued to his double twenty-four hours a day anymore.

He always came home as late as possible, in the middle of the night, or very early in the morning. Sometimes he’d see his mom in the living room, still up and working. He would sit down with her, and she would tell him what they had eaten for dinner, with everyone, in his absence. She’d tell him about Hanbin and his adorable bond with Jiyeon. He played with her and helped her with her homework. She even let him do her hair, since Jiwon was never there.

He’d end up leaving, because he didn't want to hear any more. He would undress clumsily and fall on the bed next to Hanbin, who was already asleep. And the next day he’d do it all over again. Sleep, go out, get wasted, go home.

The results were slow to arrive. They were posted on the university’s website early in the morning, around eight. He and Hanbin were already sitting in front of their respective computers, refreshing the page every five seconds. It didn't take long for his grades to appear. As he approached the screen he examined them. He had passed everything. Some classes, barely, some others, easily. Relieved, he pushed the device aside, exhaled and tilted his head back.

When he realized he still hadn't heard from the chestnut, he straightened up and looked in his direction. Sitting in his chair, his eyes were glued on his results. Jiwon stood up and went to stay by his side. Then he rested his palm on his shoulder hesitantly.

“ _What's wrong ?”_

There was some kind of jerk in his friend's body, which immediately made him withdraw his hand. Abruptly the younger stood up from his chair, gripped his hair between his fingers and took a few steps in the opposite direction. The older took a look at what was on the screen. Hanbin had gotten A for every class. Every class, except for math, for which he had gotten B.

“ _Hanbin… everything’s fine. You’ve got your credits, you’ve passed, that's what’s important.”_

He knew immediately that it would have been better to shut up. Hanbin, trembling, glared at him, then began to spin around. He was breathing fast, and badly. As if the air he was inhaling couldn't reach all the way to his lungs. He kept leaning back and forth. Soon, in between each of his brief breaths, he let out several whimpers. Jiwon looked at him as he clung to his own clothes, stopped moving for a second, and then went back to pacing the room. Realizing that he was panicking, he tried to reestablish contact.

“ _Hanbin...”_

Suddenly Hanbin’s voice rose, piercing between two sobs.

“ _Shut up !”_

Bitter tears started cascading down his tightened cheeks, and his whole being contracted, like a supernova on the verge of dying. He dropped to the ground. Jiwon rushed over to him.

“ _Don't touch me !”_

Distraught, he didn't know what to do.

“ _It's_ _all your fault !”_

Jiwon grabbed his arms to stop him from choking himself. He didn't let go, even when he struggled.

“ _I told you to stay away from me ! Not to distract me !”_

Hanbin was screaming, in immeasurable distress and pain. He was like a different person. He kept screaming and crying, sometimes both at the same time. And he yelled at him until the reproaches and insults he spat in his face no longer had any meaning, nor form. Jiwon couldn’t see anything on his face, except for the aversion that poured out from his chapped lips, the translucent drops that escaped painfully from his reddened eyelids, and the wounds on his hands battered by his anxiety.

Leaning down on his legs, his arms held in Jiwon's hands, the younger boy gradually regained some control over his emotions. His anxiety attack left him weak and shaking, sobbing miserably against the floor.

“ _And if I lose my scholarship, Jiwon ? What am I going to do ?”_

The brunette frowned.

“ _What am I going to do ? I don't want to live like this forever.”_

The evident despair in his broken voice, the incessant tremors that ran through him, his cold and hard body. And his pain. Lots and lots of pain.

Jiwon finally let go. He wanted to hold him close but he didn’t dare.

Both kneeling on the ground, they remained motionless and silent in the darkness. Until the tiny rays of the rising sun broke through their window. Until the tears dried up. Until the resentment subsided.

Perhaps by wanting to help him, he had only contributed to increase his burden.

He wasn't sure he could take it all. He had never faced this kind of situation. He didn’t know what to do. He had avoided trouble all his life. With Hanbin, his safe routine had been turned upside down. Now he had to face his choices, what he had promised, what he was being accused of. He didn't know how to fix what he had destroyed. Neither his own broken heart, nor the only reason that kept Hanbin moving forward. It was too much responsibility. Too much weight on his shoulders.

He was scared.

He stood up. Slightly staggering, he left the room. He went down the stairs. Seeing him rush through the living room, his mother shouted at him.

“ _Jiwon !”_

He paused for a second.

“ _Where are you going ?”_

From her worried tone, he could guess she had heard everything. Dumbfounded, she observed him without saying anything.

“ _To Junhoe's.”_

He put on his shoes without waiting any longer.

“ _Jiwon...”_

Before she had time to stop him, he slammed the door behind him. Without his coat, he got out into the cold weather that reigned outside. Broken, he looked left and right. As if he didn't know where he was anymore, or where he was going. As if he no longer knew what he was doing, or who he was.

It was all too much.

He exhaled with difficulty. His wet lashes froze painfully.

He looked down at his cold red hands.

He had forgotten his gloves.


	10. hanbin ─ Fingertips exploring your sun-kissed skin

Hanbin was sitting on the edge of the bed, in the dark. Hands clasped on his legs, gaze fixed on the floor. He was freezing, although it wasn't cold. But his whole body was shaking with tiny, almost imperceptible tremors. Paralyzed like an ice pick, he couldn't move a single muscle.

He had waited all day, but Jiwon hadn’t returned. He glanced at the bedroom door again. Several tears escaped from between his eyelashes.

He closed his eyes and the brunette’s blurry image appeared behind his eyelids. His swirling, laughing figure, arms open under the snow. The fragile snowflakes falling on top of his hair, melting against his skin. His cold, scarlet hands between his. The gentle creases of his flushed face as he smiled blissfully. He was lost in the memory of that last night they had spent against each other. In the last sensations of his skin against his, of his hands running down his back.

He wrapped his arms around his own body. His abdomen contracted painfully. A whimper, and he let some more salty drops roll down his cheeks. Now that the older one had run away from him, all those long days he had spent avoiding any physical contact between them seemed hideously futile.

At around nine in the afternoon there was a knock on the door, and he came out of his torpor. He jumped, opened his eyes, uncrossed his arms and grabbed the sheets. Apprehensively he watched as the bedroom door opened, letting a fine ray of light peek through. Gradually Jiwon's mother’s thin silhouette took shape in the crack. Hanbin released his fingers against the blanket. She was holding a tray in her arms. Quietly she stepped forward and put down what she had brought next to him. Then straightening up, she noticed his soiled face, and her own winced with worry and pain.

“ _You need to eat a little bit, Hanbin.”_

Slowly, she ran a comforting hand over the top of his head. At the motherly gesture, he clenched his jaw and curled up slightly on himself. Seeing him retract, she didn’t insist any longer. She left the room without adding anything else.

Uninterested, he barely turned to the dish. It was a bowl of porridge. Easy to swallow and digest. A bitter smile distorted his face’s soft features. She had noticed.

Shaking, he grabbed the metal spoon and plunged it into the bowl. For a few minutes he only stirred. He had no appetite. However, with a weak and exhausted arm, he brought the food to his lips, and he reluctantly opened them.

He forced himself to swallow everything till the last drop. Even when the swallowing started to hurt him, or when he started retching. He remembered Jiwon's face, and sobbing miserably, he pushed the food deeper down his throat. He didn't bother chewing, nor dwelling on the taste. As he finished, face stained with saliva, tears, and porridge, he waited shakily in the dark.

That day and like all the days before, he scrambled to the bathroom. He regurgitated all of what he had eaten in the toilet. Clinging to the bowl, leaning over the water, twitching and spasming, he sobbed painfully. His throat and nose burnt him terribly. Suddenly Jiyeon's mom walked in, and crouched down next to him. She had known it would happen again. She gently rubbed his back, brushed the hair away from his sweaty forehead, and whispered kind words for him to calm down.

“ _You still don't want me to take you to the doctor ?”_

Hanbin weakly shook his head as his only answer. He had been sick since taking his exams. No, since the incident with Jiwon. He just felt bad. It was hard to breathe, he constantly felt like he was suffocating. His heart was pounding horribly in his chest. Every noise, every movement, every smell distracted him. He couldn’t remember anything he heard, read, learnt. He couldn't sleep, couldn't rest. He was exhausted. He wanted it to stop. He wanted to go back in time to the day the brunette had leaned over him, and make sure that never happened. So that nothing changed. So they could keep being as they had been all this time. At the time everything was much simpler.

He closed his eyelids and he saw him again, a few millimeters away from him. He remembered the heat of his body lying on his. The smell of alcohol coming from his hot breath. His dilated pupils looking down on his lips. With that blissful expression, as if he was just about to reach ecstasy. Then the pain and surprise on his face, as he had pushed him away. In his confused and overwhelmed and fearful tone as he stammered apologetically. And then a pleading call, his name cried out in a broken voice.

She helped him lie in bed, and covered him with the blanket. As she left, she took the tray and the empty bowl with her.

Everything here was saturated with Jiwon’s intense smell. The pillows, the mattress, the blanket. Every piece of furniture, every object, every particle of air. Just a few hours earlier, they had both been standing in this room. Less than a meter apart from each other. And he had seen his grades. This B. He had worried about his scholarship, his medical studies. His tuition that he’d never be able to afford anymore, if he no longer had this help. He had been afraid. Afraid that he’d lose everything. All the things he had accomplished so far, all those hours of relentless studying, incomprehensible exams and lessons, isolating himself from everyone else, all of this just for that ? Just so he could go back to the disgusting slum ? And live like a beggar for the rest of his life ?

The anguish had driven him crazy. He had yelled at Jiwon. He had blamed him shamelessly. For all those times he had planned to study, but the older one had distracted him with hugs and meaningless conversations. For all those moments they had cuddled in bed rather than preparing for their exams. Had Jiwon passed his courses, at least ? He hadn’t even asked.

He had scared him away with reproaches and complaints. The brunette had left without looking back. He thought he had been prepared for the day that would happen. Because he had never stopped repeating it to himself, that the oldest would end up abandoning him. And it was once again his fault.

That night Hanbin silently cried himself to sleep. And when he woke up on Friday, he was still all alone. Even if he had wished it had all been just a bad dream. Even if he had wanted to wake up next to him, and not to worry about anything else anymore.

Standing still in front of the bathroom mirror, he stared at his dark circles and pale complexion. Every time he looked at his own lips, images of that fateful evening disturbed his mind.

He still couldn't figure out what had happened. Jiwon loved girls. He liked being popular and bragged about it. He liked partying and he liked that they wanted him. He’d let them suck up to him. Come closer and grab his arms, act cute and whisper things in his ear. Like he had let Jisoo do on her birthday night. Maybe the alcohol had gone to his head too much, and that was why he had tried to kiss him. Maybe he had just made a mistake, maybe he had just been joking. Maybe he had been the one to take it too seriously.

He received an email around ten in the morning. It was their school's dean, asking him to join him in his office to talk as soon as he could. He felt his stomach turn. Fortunately there was nothing in it that he could’ve thrown up. He got dressed without waiting any longer. In shaky and uncontrolled movements, he hurriedly put on some clothes. Against his skin, Jiwon's things seemed to weigh a ton. He felt like he didn't have enough strength to carry them.

Jiyeon and their mother were away, so he left without telling anyone. He hurriedly walked through the cold until he reached the university. Hands buried deep into the thick beige jacket, he pushed open the wooden front door and ventured inside the building. This place he had spent so much time in. He went up two floors to the office in question, skipping half the stairs. Once there, burning up and out of breath, he leaned on his knees to settle down his dizziness. He felt like he was filled with water to the brim. That at the slightest sudden movement, everything was going to spill.

He knocked three times. He was told he could come in from the other side. Immediately he complied. He entered the small room, bowed respectfully, then rushed over to a chair and settled there in a crumple.

Hands clasped on his knees, he waited. The dean, busy looking at what was on his computer screen, kept him waiting for a bit. He was a nice, affable man, neither tall nor short, neither handsome, nor ugly. He knew him well. He had spent hours in his office, talking about his financial problems, his family situation and his advantageous scholarship.

A very advantageous scholarship, certainly. But he’d had to work like a dog to obtain it, and still did, to keep it.

Suddenly the man sighed, moved away from his screen, and leaned his back against his chair. The chestnut swallowed. His reddened fingers gripped at Jiwon’s ripped jeans. They weren’t ripped because they were of poor quality, though. According to his friend, it was fashion.

“ _Hanbin.”_

He snapped out of it and nodded quickly, feeling tense.

“ _Don't look at me like that, everything’s fine. I didn't call you here to give you bad news.”_

At these words, the older smiled at him. Hanbin remained motionless, uncertain whether he understood correctly.

“ _I saw you got B in maths.”_

At the mention of his mediocre grade, he immediately shut himself up. The other noticed it.

“ _Hey, it's okay, don't worry. B is already very good.”_

He didn’t really agree with that, but he didn't answer. He didn't have the strength to articulate anything, anyway.

“ _Stop overthinking. I talked to the headmaster. You're not going to lose your scholarship over a B, that’d be unfair. Especially after all these years of exemplary conduct and perfect grades. We’ll keep supporting you.”_

He looked down to his trembling knees. He wasn't going to lose his scholarship. He was so incredibly relieved. During all those hours of doubt, he’d thought he was going to have to quit college and find a job. He’d been afraid of ending up like his brother. Except that he, unlike his older, had no lover by his side.

Then he remembered the way he had yelled at Jiwon. Blinded by his fear and anxiety he had blamed him for so many things. And for nothing, in the end. Because everything was fine.

“ _I didn't call you here about that.”_

He looked up at the elder, to show him he was listening.

“ _Seeing your grades, I got worried, first. I wondered if something was wrong. If you perhaps had problems with your family.”_

With yet another smile, he put his hands together on the desk, and leaned against it.

“ _But then I ran into some students, and they were talking about Jiwon. About Jiwon and you, to be precise.”_

Hanbin froze for a second. It was usual for people to talk about the brunette when he wasn't even there. However, him being a part of the conversation, was not. He couldn’t help but keep wondering what the hell they had said about them.

“ _They told me they saw you with him at a party, two days before the exams. I was like ‘are we really talking about the same Hanbin?’”_ _he_ added, laughing.

The chestnut couldn't help but laugh as well. He too found it hard to believe. It was weird, everything that was going on in his life. All the things that had changed over the past few weeks. In his environment as well as in his head.

“ _And then I understood that it was nothing serious. That you were just having fun. Seeing you like this confirms it. You look better.”_

Hanbin gradually lost his smile. He swallowed and his eyes started tingling.

“ _You messed up one question on your math exam. So what ? You validated your courses, that's what’s important.”_

He couldn't hold back the few tears that threatened to fall out of his lashes, so he closed his eyelids to chase them away. His face twitched in a wince of pain.

“ _Have fun, Hanbin. You’ve worked hard enough. You too have the right to take a break.”_

Through the tears that flooded his eyes, he saw the man hand him a tissue.

“ _If anything,_ _I'm glad you made a friend. Jiwon’s a bit rowdy, but… you seem to get along well. You have a lot to learn from each other.”_

Hearing the little jab at Jiwon, Hanbin chuckled lightly. The manager helped him calm down by giving him encouraging words and compliments, overwhelming him with kind words. When he stopped shaking, and his tears subsided, he let him go home and advised him to rest.

When he got back to the bright loft, around noon, he felt a little better. The short meeting and wise advice seemed to have helped regain his composure a bit. He took off his shoes in the hallway and lined them up next to Jiwon's sneakers. He didn't hear a sound. He was all alone.

It was a strange experience, to be alone in someone else's house. No matter how much he’d been told to make himself comfortable, and to think of the apartment as his own home, he’d never really gotten used to it.

Jiyeon's mother returned less than an hour later. Seeing him she shuffled the plastic bags she was holding in her hands and hurried to take everything to the kitchen.

“ _Hanbin ! You must be starving. I’ll make you something quickly._ ”

He helped her unpack everything on the counter. She had bought chicken, lots of vegetables, several varieties of nuts, cereals, and yogurt. He wasn't particularly hungry, but she looked ready to cook an astronomical amount of food. He helped her prepare the dishes she wanted. There was chicken broth, many types of pickled vegetables, hard-boiled eggs, mashed sweet potatoes, oatmeal yogurt, and pink jelly. He looked over at all the dishes, in disbelief. Gently she made him sit down, filled his bowl with steaming sticky rice, and settled down in front of him.

“ _All these dishes should be very easy to digest. I did my research. Hopefully you won’t get an upset stomach.”_

He finally understood where she was coming from. Why she had put so much effort into something she wasn't even sure he could eat without throwing it all up after. She was trying to help him. He didn’t dare to refuse. So, although not particularly hungry, nor cured of his strange intolerance to food, he helped himself to a bit of everything and thanked her.

“ _You don't need to force yourself if there's anything you don't like.”_

He nodded. After ten minutes of watching him without moving, she finally started eating too. This time, he sincerely hoped he would manage to keep everything in. He was afraid of disappointing her if he got sick again.

They finished their meal in silence. It was just the two of them, and it was quite strange. She looked like she wanted to talk to him about something, but she waited until he finished his meal to bring it up.

“ _Hanbin… you know we have to talk, don't you ?”_

He nodded again. Quietly he put his cutlery back on the table cloth.

“ _I didn't ask any questions when you started living here… I trust you and I'm sure you had a very good reason to leave your family.”_

He looked down.

“ _But Jiwon ran away from home. I know he's at Junhoe's, but he's not replying to my texts. Jiyeon is worried about her brother, and you are sick.”_

He had thought that Jiwon would have visited Jinhwan, or Donghyuk, or some other friend of his, but not his best friend. Not after that fight they’d had at Jisoo's, not after all this time ignoring each other. Junhoe didn't like him. Worse, he probably hated him. And he was afraid of what he could tell the brunette, of what he could make him believe, of what he’d take advantage of, while they were fighting. While they were far from each other. What if Junhoe managed to persuade Jiwon to never speak to him ever again ?

“ _So now I need to know what's going on. To help my son, and to help you too.”_

He turned his attention back to her, to show her that he was listening. He didn't want to disrespect her. She sounded genuinely worried. It was as if all the questions and uncertainties she had kept to herself were suddenly overflowing. Jiwon’s departure had certainly been the trigger. He didn't want her or her daughter to hurt because of him. He didn’t want them to feel distant from Jiwon because of him. So he explained the situation to her, shaking a little. Without going into too many details, without telling her more than necessary, but by telling her enough for her to understand why he had taken refuge with them, and why he had quarreled with the eldest on the day of the results. The more he added to his story, the more her soft features were veiled with boundless care and empathy.

He finished and there was no more noise. Slowly she exhaled and crossed her arms on the kitchen counter. She seemed to be thinking deeply.

“ _Regarding Jiwon...”_

She stopped, as if she was searching for her words. Her brows furrowed, and with the sweetest and sorriest look in the world, she stared him in the eye.

“ _You got closer very quickly, and overnight, you saw each other every day. It's hard to be with the same person all the time. Maybe you need to put some distance between the two of you… just until you figure things out, hmm ?”_

He had expected it, but the innocent suggestion hit him harshly all the same. Put some distance between them ? How ? For what ? For how long ? What if it had the opposite effect ? What if the brunette forgot him and moved on, while they were apart ?

“ _As for your mom… it's a difficult situation, I understand that. But maybe discussing it with her could help ? I'm sure she's worried about you a lot.”_

He swallowed and his stomach twisted painfully. He knew exactly where she was going. Put some distance between Jiwon and him, and sort out his problem with his mother.

She was telling him to go home.

“ _I'm sorry, Hanbin. I really am.”_

He couldn't blame her. She was most certainly trying to protect her family. Protect them from the misery he brought along with him everywhere, because that was the only thing he was good at. Spreading his misfortune everywhere, to everyone. He had already tarnished Jiwon’s shine, and it was only a matter of time before he did the same to everything else.

That day he recovered from his friend's room the few things that belonged to him. He realized he actually had next to nothing. Everything he had used, everything he had worn, since he had started staying here… nothing was his. He had just leeched off Jiwon like the parasite he was. And if he left there would be no trace of him left. As if he had never been there, as if he had never existed.

Jiwon's mom offered to drive him back and let him take the leftovers, but he politely refused. He thanked her for everything she had done for him, for all those days she had accepted his presence without questioning anything, for all the time she had taken it upon herself. Then he turned his back, went through the door, and just like that he was gone.

When he got out, it was snowing. Like that night. He couldn't help but tell himself that the whole universe surely just wanted to bully him some more. His wet eyelashes froze in the icy atmosphere, and some bitter tears dried painfully against his pale cheeks.

He walked with his head down. His feet guided him, almost instinctively, to the slum. Then he stopped at the bottom of that slope, and he looked up to see the top.

Harsh return to reality.

Without managing to stop his crying, he climbed up the slope. He finally reached the deformed hut, out of breath. He rested his hand on the creaking handle, and he felt nothing. He didn't even have the strength to hate this place anymore.

Impassive he entered the garden, took a few steps in the mud without even worrying about dirtying his shoes. He was tired of paying attention to everything. What was the point anyway ? Be good, be obedient, avoid problems. And what ? It had never gotten him anywhere.

He walked into the house with the most natural expression in the world, as if he hadn't been away for days. He had just entered the hall when he heard a huge crash coming from the kitchen. Exhausted, he raised his red eyes to his mother, who had just dropped her pot.

“ _Hanbin.”_

Pokerfaced, he nodded. As if to confirm that it was indeed him. Absent-mindedly, he took off his shoes. On the edges of his field of vision, he saw her get closer. She seemed to want to ask him what he had done, where he had slept, all this time. However, she remained silent, mouth half open, breathing harshly.

She took him in her arms. She ended up crying and apologizing, telling him that it would never happen again. She explained to him that she’d gone to a police station to issue a search for a missing person, but that they had refused to help her because he was no longer a minor. While sobbing pitifully she confessed to him how miserable and exhausted she was, and he had no trouble believing her. Because he was too.

“ _Mom. I just want to be alone in my room for a bit. Please.”_

Dumbfounded, she let go and nodded uncomfortably. She let him leave without asking any questions. That, in itself, was already miraculous.

He closed his bedroom door behind his back, and suddenly dropped all his things to the floor. Without bothering to put anything away, he dragged himself to his desk, then sat down on his old wooden chair.

He remained motionless for several minutes, staring at the wall in front of him. Hands flat on scratched wooden surface. Raising and lowering his index finger at a steady pace. There was no sound, not even the sound of his own existence. There was nothing left.

Back to square one.

He spent his weekend locked up in his room, doing nothing. He didn’t study. He didn’t help with chores. He didn't speak to his mother, either. Maybe he was having a late teenage crisis. Or maybe he was spiraling down.

Lying in his uncomfortable bed, eyes closed, he brought back memories of Jiwon, of their time together. One after the other these moments, which seemed out of reach, appeared in the dark. That night spent watching over Mihi, the darkness of the archives room, their first messages, the hot shower in his arms, their embrace in Jisoo's bathroom, his smile at the top of that mountain, the cuddles in bed. Everything was so vivid, he remembered every detail.

He couldn't sleep anymore, because these images haunted him. Some he would take his head in his hands and try to chase them out of his mind. Others, he’d let the sensations flood him and he’d immerse himself entirely in his memories. Little by little he let the waves gradually take away all the parts of him that refused to face it, like the ocean stripping the beaches of their golden sand a little more with each passage.

He had to resume his internship on Monday morning. He didn't have the strength to do anything, so he hesitated not to go. But telling himself that he could probably at least spot Jiwon there, even if it was from a distance, even if he didn't speak to him at all… he managed to muster enough motivation to get out of bed.

It was freezing outside. As usual, he didn't have the right clothes to fight against the weather. So he went out in his thin clothes, and unsurprisingly, he was cold.

In the lobby, everyone was chatting loudly. Other students were talking about their exams, complaining about the very short week of rest they had been given, between their two semesters. He glanced quickly and found him instantly. Standing next to Junhoe, a thick black beanie screwed on his head, hands in his pockets. Hanbin swallowed. He looked irritated, somewhat angry. Or exhausted. Or both. And he had this horrible feeling that it was his fault.

It wasn't long before their mentor arrived. Seeing Jinwoo stop in front of the crowd, instead of Minho, Hanbin immediately knew something was wrong. Without even addressing the obvious change of doctor, the psychiatrist took roll call. Instinctively he looked over to see the brunette's reaction, which was more or less similar to his. He looked confused. Maybe even worried.

Again, they all sat down in the meeting room for the department breakdowns. Jinwoo assigned Jiwon to palliative care, along with two other guys he didn't know. Hanbin couldn't help but worry about him. He had already been through two complicated weeks in psychiatry, and now he was enrolling into an even more difficult department. He was afraid it would affect his mental well-being.

He ended up in surgery. He couldn’t complain. He had avoided radiology, which everyone called boring, palliative care and psychiatry. The only thing that made him slightly uncomfortable was that he ended up being grouped up with Jisoo.

He had a complicated start to the week. It was difficult to be alone again, after so much time spent with his friend. They hardly crossed paths anymore. They didn’t have their lunch breaks at the same time, and they were in two departments situated opposite within the hospital. They didn't have a lot of opportunities to meet, and he feared that they would go their separate ways, if it continued like this. However, he was unable to do anything to make his loneliness end.

Sitting alone at his table, eyes glued to his tray which was still full, he couldn't eat. He had only been back to work for a few days, but he felt like it had been forever. Every hour, every minute, every second went by terribly slowly. Time dragged on and lengthened, distorted. Nights were short and days a thousand times longer.

He heard a click, and saw someone sit in front of him. With a welcoming smile, Jisoo removed her beige jacket, put it on the seat next to her, and grabbed her cutlery. Disconcertingly at ease, she began to eat.

“ _You and Jiwon had a fight ?”_

The question, impromptu, left him stunned. The young woman, one cheek full with rice, kept talking to him nonchalantly.

“ _I don't see you guys together anymore.”_

She stopped talking, swallowed, then looked up at him curiously. She was waiting for him to reply something, but he wasn't even sure he had heard what she had just told him right.

“ _Uh… yes_ ,” he answered, confused.

She let out an upset 'ah' and started stuffing her mouth again. He wasn't very comfortable around other people already, but after what had happened on her birthday night, it was even worse with her. He remembered very well the strange possessiveness he had felt, and the way he had refused to give Jiwon over to her. And he knew for a fact that she wasn’t as naïve as he pretended she was.

“ _I'm sorry_ ,” he blurted out.

Jisoo lifted her head again, an eyebrow raised. She didn't seem to know why he was apologizing.

“ _For that night_ ,” he clarified. “ _Had I known it’d end like this, I would have let you have him.”_

Her face lit up. She seemed to understand where he was coming from. Then suddenly, her serene expression broke into a clear and cute laugh.

“ _You would have 'let me have him' ?”_

When the words left her mouth, he realized how bad it sounded. So he apologized again, red with shame. She took some time to calm down, to catch her breath, and fell silent again. He absent-mindedly stuffed himself with rice, to concentrate on something else.

“ _It's okay.”_

He nearly swallowed wrong, and couched terribly. She gently poured him a glass of water.

“ _Even if you had 'let me have him', it wouldn't have changed anything.”_

He shuddered succinctly. The weird atmosphere had subsided.

“ _It’s not me he’s in love with, but you, after all.”_

There was a brief moment of hesitation, during which Hanbin tried somehow to process the information she had just thrown in his face.

“ _What ?”_

Without realizing how absurd what she had just said was, she looked at him innocently.

“ _What, 'what' ?”_

He let out a nervous, bothered, perplexed snort.

“ _Jiwon’s not… well… he’s not in love with me.”_

He stammered stupidly. Saying it out loud was hard enough, there was no way it was true. She looked taken aback, then thoughtful, then mischievous.

“ _Well, I don't know. What do you call it between you boys ? He pines for you ? He adores you ? He has a crush on you, he wants to pick you up ? ‘Please be my baby’ kinda thing ?”_

He almost overturned his tray as he suddenly slammed his hands on the table. She stopped in her enumeration, surprised. Frantically he glanced around to see if anyone had heard. Everyone seemed to be focused on their meal. A little relieved, he relaxed his shoulders.

“ _What are you talking about_?” he whispered. “ _Jiwon… Jiwon’s not… I mean, he likes girls.”_

With that, she looked him straight in the eye for ten seconds or so. And then she gasped exaggeratedly.

“ _Holy shit ! Are you saying that he didn't tell you ?”_

Hanbin no longer followed with what was going on, nor what she was saying. She acted overly astonished, something was weird with the way she acted. As if she was trying to push him to understand something.

“ _I was sure you knew, though... I mean, you guys are awfully close for just two good buds.”_

He held up his hand so that she would stop ranting about everything she was thinking. Pupils frozen on the table, he struggled to stay calm.

“ _Wait… what… what are you trying to tell me ?”_

And then steadfastly serious, she stared into his eyes, grabbed his hand, and lowered it back to the table.

“ _Jiwon is gay. And he's in love with you.”_

He felt his breath hitch, and his heart implode. His eyelashes fluttered, he couldn't focus his vision anymore, and he was unable to say anything back. She leaned over him, and patted him friendly on the shoulder. Then she grabbed her empty tray, and left the table.

At that very moment the cafeteria doors opened, and Jiwon's charismatic figure stepped through the threshold. Hanbin thought his mad heartbeat would crush his lungs and shatter his ribs. He didn't know what it was to love someone. He didn’t know love at all. Even less when it was between two boys.

He saw Jiwon’s sullen and handsome face turn around, his deep gaze scan the room, and eventually his black irises stopped right on him. He stared at him without moving for a few seconds, then looked away when he realized he was being watched too.

Jiwon was in love with him.

And maybe because he'd let his imagination run wild all those days before, he had no trouble picturing what it would be like, if they were to become even closer. He closed his eyes and all he could was his own hands running up and down Jiwon’s sun-kissed skin, every nook and cranny of his angular torso. Fingers grabbing at his dark hair, laying on top of his beautiful naked body, kissing his hot lips and melting into him. Sliding his tongue into every crease of his being, and letting him creep into him under the soiled sheets.

He abruptly opened his eyes. The lustful pictures made his head spin. Trembling and feverish, he huffed out a shaky and hot breath.

“Jiwon’s in love with me.”


	11. jiwon ─ I see the world turn in your eyes

As soon as his day in palliative care came to an end, Jiwon left the hospital. It was already late, because one of their patients had passed away, and he’d had to attend everything that had followed. Notifying the family of the death, discussing it with them, filling in the administrative documents, returning the deceased’s possessions. He was also made to understand that this kind of thing would happen often. That in this service, people died each day.

Jiwon was exhausted. Mentally and physically. His backpack in hand, he hurriedly walked in the direction of his family apartment. He had a bad feeling, and he was pretty sure he knew the reason why.

When he came home, he saw neither his mother nor Jiyeon. He quickly kicked off his shoes in the entrance, and rushed up the stairs. He climbed to the top, then suddenly pushed his bedroom door open.

It was all empty. Frantically he searched all around him for the slightest trace of his presence. A sign of life, proof that this whole journey hadn't been just a long dream. But there was nothing left. Hanbin had disappeared. He was gone.

When he had seen him in the cafeteria with his old clothes on, he had immediately had doubts. It had been on his mind all day. He had convinced himself that everything would be fine, and that Hanbin would be there when he’d get home that very evening. But that wasn’t the case.

He heard a click behind his back, and his mom stepped out of the bathroom adjacent to his bedroom. She froze at the sight of him.

“ _Jiwon.”_

She looked him up and down. He was wearing the exact same clothes as the ones he’d worn when he had left the house. He had spent his weekend at Junhoe's to come to his senses. To figure things out. They hadn't mentioned Hanbin at all. They had conscientiously avoided the subject, actually. They had both acted ignorant, as if nothing had happened, and had absolutely not solved their problems.

“ _Take a hot shower, you look cold.”_

While rubbing her white towel against her short black hair, she turned around and walked down the stairs, heading to the kitchen. Jiwon rushed after her.

“ _Where's Hanbin ?”_

He watched her open the refrigerator doors, and scan the food inside. She took out a salad and some vegetables from one of the transparent compartments, turned around, and rested her hands on the counter.

“ _He went home.”_

Jiwon felt his throat tighten and contract painfully. His fears had really been justified after all.

“ _Why ?”_ he asked, voice broken.

His mom looked up and saw his worried expression. More than anything else, he was afraid Hanbin had left because of him. After their argument, he had abandoned him. He had hidden at Junhoe’s, where he no longer had to think about anything. He had left him all alone, in one of his worst times. Although he had promised him the opposite.

“ _You two need to take a break. It was the best thing to do.”_

Suddenly he understood that it was her. Her who had told him to go home. Of course, because after all, Hanbin would never have went back to his hell on his own. Restless, he ran a hand over his face.

“ _I know it's hard, but you can't constantly depend on each other like that. It's not healthy. And he's got some things to work out with his mom, so –”_

He slammed his hands down on kitchen island’s marbled stone, silencing his mother instantly. Apparently surprised, the latter's thin eyebrows rose on her forehead.

“ _If you know he has family problems, then why would you send him home ?”_

Head down, breathing erratic, he struggled to stay calm. He couldn't believe his mother had been able to drive Hanbin out of their home. Even more if she knew about his situation. He couldn’t even imagine what Hanbin had felt, on the way back to that dreadful slum where he had spent all his short life.

“ _I'm sorry, Jiwon… but he accepted. If he had refused, I wouldn’t –”_

He slammed his hands on the counter once more, interrupting her again.

“ _Do you really think he accepted because he wanted to go back ? In this shithole where no one cares how he’s feeling ? With this family who abuses him mentally and physically ?”_

He raised his voice, almost yelling, at the end of his rope. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her swallow. She didn't know what to say. At his own words he felt the tears well up, and held them back with all his strength. He couldn't handle everything that was going on in his life. He had never learned how to deal with all these complications. The patients dying in his department, his disagreements with Junhoe, Minho’s sudden disappearance, Chanwoo not replying to his text messages. This whole thing with Hanbin, who was now far from him.

“ _Mom, I'm begging you.”_

He bent down and leaned his head against the cold stone, chest shaking and twitching.

“ _He can't stay there. I don't want him to be hurt.”_

Realizing that he was about to cry, she let go of her salad, rushed to his side, and slid a comforting arm around him.

“ _Jiwon, don't cry, please. You’re breaking my heart.”_

She gently rubbed his back. He straightened up to hold onto her, blindly looking for something or someone to support him, and she hugged him tenderly.

“ _We'll find a way to help him, okay ? All I want is for you two to be happy.”_

She pulled back from him, and with her small thumbs she wiped his wet lashes. She whispered reassuring words to soothe him. But no matter what she did, he looked down, and he couldn't stop thinking about it.

“ _If you want to see him, you can go, you know. I'm sure he misses you too.”_

He didn't need to be told twice. He pulled away from his mother, rushed to the door, and put on his shoes. Before he even realized what he was doing, he was already leaving the loft.

He walked in the cold long enough for his hands to turn purple. It was dark and in the darkness everything seemed foreign to him. The memories of the last time he had took this path were fuzzy, difficult to decipher. He would go down some streets, realize he was going the wrong way, and turn back. And sometimes he’d forget where he had been coming from.

It was nine when he finally reached the old house’s wooden door. A yellowish glow pierced through the main window’s blurry glass. Above him, electric cables swayed dangerously, battered by the wind. His shoes were covered in mud and he was freezing. He wasn't even sure he could muster up the courage to knock.

He would have waited for an hour or two more, if the door hadn’t suddenly opened on an unfamiliar face.

A blue garbage bag in hand, a middle-aged woman stood in front of him. Seeing him on her doorstep, she jumped and let go of the plastic bag. All the cans it contained spilled onto the floor. Awkwardly, Jiwon apologized for scaring her and ducked down to pick the trash up. He felt her insistent gaze drill holes on the top of his head as he tidied up his mess, right until he got up again.

Obviously confused she was frowning, and looking a little worried. She was staring intently at him. Without knowing what to say, he remained silent. He didn't know how to introduce himself.

“ _Jiwon ?”_

He froze. Standing in front of his bedroom door, which he had apparently just left, Hanbin looked insanely cold. Dressed only in a t-shirt and some black boxers, hair dripping wet, he was holding himself for warmth. Jiwon swallowed. Hanbin’s face contorted with terror and apprehension. He could tell instantly that he had made a mistake. That he should never have come.

“ _Are you a friend of my son ?”_

He focused back on the person who had just introduced herself as the chestnut's mother. He didn't even know what to reply to her question. Were they even friends ?

Hanbin, with great reluctance, walked up to them. Jiwon hated that face he made. His shaking irises kept moving back and forth between him and his mother. As if he was afraid of what he was going to say. As if he didn't want her to know about them.

“ _No_ ,” he replied. “ _Just a classmate.”_

He lied without really trying to sound convincing. Opposite, the woman nodded.

“ _I came to get my scarf back.”_

Hanbin's eyes, which had momentarily stopped on the ground at their feet, snapped up to him. Drowned in fear, they gazed at his. He felt like he had just betrayed him. He didn’t know why, out of all things he could have said, he’d chosen to say this. He wanted to bash his head against the wall.

They stared at each other until she invited him in. He took off his sneakers quickly, aligned them neatly with the other shoes, and took a few steps on the wobbly wooden floor. Inside it was freezing, it was as cold as it was outside. He tried hard not to look around him. Even though it wasn't the first time he'd been there, he still hadn't gotten used to it.

He had never imagined that a person could live in such a place. That Hanbin, in particular, could live in such a place. He who was the subject of all his fantasies, the main actor of all the weirdly romantic scenes he had played out in his head. He had imagined his family and his home so many times, but it had never looked like this.

He had believed that Hanbin came from a humble family. He had always more or less known he was having a hard time with money, and that his family was struggling to afford college. Because he never wore new clothes, because he never let himself have anything, because he used old dog-eared notebooks and second-hand textbooks. He had guessed that he didn’t come from a wealthy household by the way he acted, the way he talked, the way he walked. The way he spoke and interacted with others, the way he always withdrew when he was with him. The way he breathed. Even that he did quietly, as if he didn’t want to be seen. He had always known it. But not this much. Not like this.

Hanbin was poor. There was no other word for it, no euphemism, no evading it. Hanbin was just poor.

Like last time, he pretended nothing was wrong. He acted as if standing in this place didn't make him feel anything. He was good at pretending.

“ _Hanbin, I'll throw out the trash. Get your classmate a glass of water, or something.”_

With these words, Hanbin's mother put on two worn clogs, and left the house. Jiwon was pretty sure he hadn't seen a dumpster bin since he had climbed up the slope. He knew she was going to take a while to come back, and time was exactly what he needed.

Hanbin didn’t offer him water. He was paralyzed in the middle of the living room. He wasn't looking at him either.

“ _Hanbin.”_

The aforementioned jumped painfully. Was he so reluctant to talk to him ?

“ _Why didn't you tell me you were leaving the apartment ?”_

Petrified, the younger didn't raise his head and didn't answer.

“ _Has everything been okay with your family since you came back ?”_

Again, no reaction. Jiwon felt like he couldn’t hear him. Or wouldn’t.

There was a short moment of silence. He took a deep breath. His chest constricted and hurt horribly.

“ _Didn't you miss me at all ?”_

Suddenly, as if to protect itself, Hanbin's body closed in completely. His shoulders slumped, his back arched, his head bowed down and and his brow furrowed above his eyes. Jiwon smiled bitterly, and snorted. He was being rejected. It was that simple. Once again he felt the tears swell up in his eyes. He ran a hand over his face to pull himself together.

“ _I shouldn't have come.”_

He let out his truth unconsciously. It was too difficult. Too painful. He’d thought he could chase after Hanbin all his life, but he was already exhausted. Tired of running. What was the point ? He’d never catch him, anyway. Because with each step forward he took, the other moved further back.

He rubbed his purplish hands between them uncomfortably. He felt like his whole body was nothing but a sand castle, and monstrous waves were heading his way. Everything was falling apart. He nodded, lips dry.

“ _How about we pretend nothing happened ?”_

Only then did Hanbin lift his head. Jiwon looked away immediately. He shrugged his shoulders.

“ _We just have to go back to the way it was before. Just act like you've never spoken to me.”_

He squeezed his frozen fingers together and the pain helped him keep his composure a bit.

“ _And I'll do the same.”_

He didn't even know what he was saying. He just knew he was going to regret it. But he wanted Hanbin to react. To say something. Even if he ended spitting the worst insults in his face. Even if it was to tell him he hated him. It was always better than being ignored. If it was all going to shit anyways, he thought he might as well make himself unforgettable.

But nothing. He got nothing. Not even a twitch, or a sigh, or the tiniest reaction.

Had he screwed everything up the day he’d tried to kiss him ? Would their relationship have continued on if he hadn't made this mistake ? Or had it all been doomed to fail from the very start ?

This time nothing could’ve held back the salty drops which escaped bitterly from between his lashes.

“ _You can keep the scarf. I don’t want it anymore. Do whatever you want with it.”_

He sniffled and put his soggy shoes back on. Breathing shakily, he clenched his jaw to contain the painful spasms that contracted his throat. Then he left the rickety house without looking back. Without being held back.

He hurried across the muddy garden. He went through the wooden gate, and walked the few meters of gravel path. Then he started hurtling down the slope, almost falling. He felt like he was running away.

Out of breath, feelings hurt and eyes cloudy, he heard a first cry. Instantly he stopped.

“ _Jiwon !”_

A second call, his name screamed through the darkness. He turned around. Hanbin stood there at the top of the climb, only lit by the faint moonlight. In his t-shirt and underpants. Barefoot on the asphalt. A second later he rushed in his direction.

“ _What the fuck are you doing ?”_ Jiwon yelled, taking a step towards him. “ _You’re barefoot ! Go home !”_

The chestnut, arms dangling and weeping big tears, started running towards him. He heard his voice break in his throat with each sob, escaping in long painful whines. Hanbin had mostly been the type to cry silently, but this time it was different. This time he was bawling. And if he kept bawling, he was going to wake up the whole slum area.

So Jiwon went back. He walked up the slope. Heart to pieces and mind in a mess. He had no idea what was going on.

No sooner had he reached his height that Hanbin threw himself into his arms. He staggered back, hands spread apart, as the younger clung to his neck. He was shaking like a leaf, and he was squeezing so hard he was choking him.

“ _Don't leave me. Please don't go.”_

Jiwon looked up at the dark sky, and swallowed hard.

“ _You can do whatever you want to me. I'll let you.”_

Hanbin, out of breath, spoke in short, choppy exclamations, as if he couldn’t say everything all at once. In his broken voice Jiwon heard all his fear and grief. He was desperate. At least as desperate as he was. His cold chest was pressed against his, and he could easily feel he was freezing. So he silently took off his thick jacket, and put it over his shoulders to keep him warm.

“ _You have no idea what you're saying_ ,” he muttered, tying the jacket’s sleeves around his neck.

Hanbin was offering himself like a piece of meat, because he was afraid of being alone. He wasn’t in a normal state of mind, and certainly not in a good disposition to address this matter seriously.

“ _I don't want to be your friend_.”

He felt him quiver faintly against his body.

“ _I don't care_ ,” he cried out into his ear.

Jiwon momentarily closed his eyelids. Hanbin had lost his mind.

“ _You do care._ _No, you should care. Don't you understand what I'm trying to tell you ? I'm saying I don't want to be your friend.”_

Slowly the chestnut released his grip on his neck and leaned back. Jiwon saw his teary gaze align with his, eyes shining under the moonlight. He could feel his hot breath, the frantic beating of both of their maddened hearts. Stunned, he swallowed again.

“ _I know_ ,” Hanbin whispered.

He knew. He knew what ? That Jiwon was head over heels in love with him, but too scared to tell him ? That he wanted to defile him ? That he was all he could think about all day, every day ? Impossible.

Jiwon had an astronomical amount of questions and doubts, but he kept silent. He was hypnotized by his words, his face. His tear-soaked eyelashes, his wet cheeks, the tip of his red nose, his parted lips.

“ _Do you realize I'm going to interpret what you just told me as I want ?”_

Hanbin gently closed his eyelids. More tears slipped out of his swollen eyes, and a faint smile relaxed his soft features. Then he nodded, and leaned his forehead against his. He trembled. They didn’t move an inch for a few seconds.

“ _I did miss you,”_ Hanbin huffed.

Jiwon tilted his head back, not believing what he was hearing. He felt like his heart was going to implode in his chest. And although it wouldn't have bothered him to be hugged like that some more, he knew Hanbin would die if they lingered outside for too long.

“ _Hang on to me.”_

After his brief warning, he grabbed him under the thighs and lifted him off the ground. Instinctively Hanbin tightened his arms around his neck, and crossed his legs behind his back. Still exhausted from all the crying, he let out a weak and cute laugh.

Jiwon climbed the slope back up somehow. Hanbin, chin resting on the top of his head, absent-mindedly stroked the back of his neck. He took him home. He pushed open his bedroom door with his foot, closed it behind his back, and carefully laid him on his bed.

He remained kneeled between his legs for a few minutes. He let him play with his hair and his multiple earrings. He rested his head on his cold thigh and closed his eyes, making the most of the absurdity of the moment. He was afraid he was going to wake up from a wonderful dream.

Hanbin was looking at him, petting him. He knew that Jiwon would sooner or later try to kiss him again, but he’d accepted it. He had almost given him the green light.

“ _Why are you smiling ?”_ Hanbin whispered peacefully.

He opened his eyes a little bit, just enough to make out the younger’s cute features, bending over his.

“ _You, why are you smiling ?”_ he retorted, in bliss.

Hanbin chuckled lightly, then fell back lying on the bed. Jiwon hoisted himself on top of him, leaning on his elbows for support, so as to not completely crush him under his weight. The chestnut, eyes glued to him, showed no sign of resistance. He couldn't believe it. It was completely unexpected.

The older briefly ran his tongue over his lips, and that simple movement immediately caught Hanbin's attention. He saw his eyelids flutter, his mouth parted and he let out a breath of hot air.

Suddenly someone knocked on the door, and the younger jumped. Their heads painfully collided, and Jiwon fell backwards.

“ _Hanbin. Has your classmate gone home ?”_

Hearing his mother on the other side of the door, the aforementioned stood up and frantically pulled on his t-shirt.

“ _Uh, yes_ ,” he answered in panic.

Jiwon cast him a half confused, half horrified look.

“ _Well… take some rest, then. Don’t go to bed too late.”_

They waited until the sound of her retreating footsteps was far enough away, before going back to breathing normally. The chestnut, slapping his forehead, finally seemed to realize the kind of lie he had just uttered.

“ _You crazy ? Why did you lie to her ?”_ Jiwon questioned, puzzled.

Seeing him shake his head, sign that he didn't even know himself, Jiwon burst out laughing. The younger immediately hurried over and covered his mouth to silence him. He didn't want his mom to hear them.

“ _How do I go home now ?”_ he added, the sound of his voice muffled by his friend's palm.

Hanbin withdrew his hand, and looked around. As if he was trying to find a place where he could dig a tunnel to the outside. Jiwon leaned against the wall near the window, and crossed his arms.

“ _Guess I can't get out that way. Why the fuck do you have bars on your window ?”_

Hanbin shrugged. Several minutes of silence followed, during which they racked their brains to find a solution.

“ _Well, all we have to do is to wait until your mother goes to bed_ ,” Jiwon suggested. “ _Once she's in her room, I'll just have to leave quietly.”_

Hanbin nodded and sat down on his worn out desk, deep in thought. He was probably weighing the pros and cons.

“ _Will you be able to get home on your own ? It’s late, and it’s dark. Streets aren’t lit out there.”_

The brunette's features stretched into a satisfied smirk. He stepped over the short distance that separated him from the chestnut, and resting his hands on the desk’s flat surface, he trapped him between both of his arms.

“ _Are you worrying about me ? Afraid someone’ll try to kidnap me ?”_

Hanbin leaned back a little to put some distance between their faces, visibly intimidated by their sudden proximity.

“ _No, let them kidnap you_ ,” he retorted. “ _At least then you won’t be stalking me anymore.”_

Jiwon straightened up and pretended to be hurt. He walked backwards to the bed, where he collapsed. He patted the thin blanket covering it three times, and regained his mischievous look.

“ _Let me sleep here.”_

The chestnut froze, taken aback. The sudden suggestion seemed to have thrown him off track.

“ _What ? No, I… I only have one bed.”_

The older one took off his socks and climbed onto the mattress.

“ _Hmm, I know.”_

He undid the button of his pants, and pulled them down to his ankles. Then, with repeated little kicks, he got rid of them completely. Hanbin, realizing that he was undressing, hurriedly tried to stop him.

“ _What are you doing ? You're going to freeze to death_ ,” he whisper-screamed in panic. “ _You can't stay the night. I don’t have a spare blanket, my bed is super small… and you’ll never be able to sleep comfortably on this kind of mattress.”_

He grabbed his arms to stop him from taking off his shirt. Jiwon took advantage of the hold he had on him to pull and tip him to the side. The bed creaked and banged against the wall with a loud thud. Both lying on their sides, face to face, they froze when the mother knocked on the door once again.

“ _Hanbin, are you all right ? I heard a loud noise.”_

The older saw the aforementioned swallow, and gently patted his arm to prompt him to reply.

“ _Yes, I'm fine… I just saw a cockroach, mom.”_

She seemed satisfied with his explanation, because apparently cockroaches were a common occurrence. Jiwon didn’t really like thinking about those bugs crawling all around him. Once again they fell silent until she completely left. Hanbin sighed in relief, and his clenched limbs relaxed against the bed.

“ _You're outta your mind_ ,” he whispered, feigning anger.

Jiwon smiled again, very satisfied. He strongly put his arms around him and squeezed their two bodies as close as possible. He covered them with the old duvet, humming gently. It didn’t take long for Hanbin to hug him back. He closed his eyelids. In the darkness they remained silent for a moment, only lulled by the other’s regular breathing.

“ _Are you sure you'll be able to sleep ? Isn’t the mattress too thin ? Do you want more blanket ? Aren’t you too close to the edge ? I don’t want you to fall off,”_ Hanbin worried, bombarding him with questions.

Cheek pressed to his hair, the brunette inhaled peacefully.

“ _Bin, I'm so exhausted I could fall asleep on the floor with the cockroaches as sleeping buddies right now. So be nice and shut up, hmm ?”_

He heard him snicker, felt him snuggle closer to his chest, and if he hadn't been so tired, his heart most certainly would have done three backflips and deserted his body forever. But instead it stayed comfortably warm in his chest, pounding softly next to its twin, in Hanbin's comfy embrace.

As sleep prevailed, Jiwon felt his mind wander. So being happy felt like that. Being in love felt like that. He was cold, on an empty stomach, and his bones were suffering hell on that uncomfortable bed. He didn't care though. It mattered little to him, the warmth of his home, the huge dinners with plenty of food, his enormous squishy mattress, and everything else. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing, except Hanbin.

He felt like nothing could happen to them. That after going through all of this together, nothing and no one would be able to tear them apart once more.

Peaceful in his ignorance, he let himself get carried away by Morpheus. Without even suspecting that, in the dark, Atropos and her sisters watched over them intently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have officially caught up with the French version now. so from now on, the French chapter and the English one should come out at the same time ! yayy no more google translating 😁😁


	12. hanbin ─ Your swollen red lips, and purple hands

Hanbin was awakened by a series of loud noises. He jumped and abruptly opened his eyes. Sunlight had already started to filter through the bars on his window, and was casting creepy shadows on the stained wall. Jiwon, still sleeping, let out a weak groan in his arms. From the other side of his door, his mother knocked for the umpteenth time and called him again, seemingly alarmed.

“ _Hanbin ! You still haven't left ?”_

Understanding where she was coming from, he straightened up suddenly. Frantically he grabbed Jiwon's phone from his bedside table. The screen lit up, revealing its wallpaper ; a photo of him, Donghyuk and Junhoe, arm in arm. He didn't linger on the picture. It was past eight o'clock. 

“ _Hanbin ! Can you hear me ?”_

Before he could answer anything, he heard the door handle creak. And all of a sudden, his mom opened the door. Her slender, exhausted figure stood there, in the frame. Hanbin froze instantly. She did, too.

“ _What...”_

She couldn’t finish her sentence. Hanbin felt Jiwon, still unconscious just seconds before, straighten up slightly. They all looked at each other like they had seen a ghost, for an endless moment of silence.

Then his mother looked down to the floor, took a few steps back, and shut the door in front of her. Hanbin sighed and buried his face in his hands. It was a disaster. A fucking mess.

“ _Well… she took it pretty well, didn't she ?”_ Jiwon blurted out, trying to hold back his smile.

For a short moment, Hanbin wanted to climb on top of him and suffocate him under the pillow, to wipe that smirk off his face. But he actually wasn’t wrong. She could have screamed, she could have thrown things in their face, or she could have cried, maybe even passed out. Once again, his friend's innocent remark helped him put things into perspective. So then instead of smothering him, he merely kicked him off the bed.

“ _Get dressed. We're already late.”_

Jiwon complied. He watched him pull on his pants, still sitting under the covers. His mother would certainly not try to talk about it while the older was here, but as soon as he’d come back alone in the evening, he knew very well what kind of questioning he’d have to go through. And what really concerned him, was that even he was not sure what to answer to all the questions she would ask.

They got ready while chatting. For some reason, Jiwon could not stop talking. He kept babbling, rambling on and on. If Hanbin hadn't been low key hypnotized by his lips, he might have found it aggravating. But on the opposite, it quite entertained him.

If his window had been a usable exit, he probably would’ve considered taking it to avoid facing his mother’s puzzled face. As he had expected, as soon as he and Jiwon left his bedroom, she just couldn’t take her eyes off the older one. He hurried to go put on his shoes, embarrassed. But the brunette, politely greeted his mother and apologized for his sudden appearance. She didn't answer.

They got out from the shack without anything happening. As soon as he stepped outside, Hanbin started to run. They only had about twenty minutes to make a forty minutes-long walk. Needless to say that if they just walked, they would never make it in time.

He heard Jiwon call out his name, sounding surprised. He turned to see if he was far behind. Only one arm put through his jacket and backpack hung weirdly on his neck, he tried as best he could to not lose him, while blaming him for running too fast.

They arrived at the hospital on time. All the other students had already entered the lobby. They took a few minutes to catch their breath. Jiwon couldn't stop laughing, because Hanbin had tripped on one of the steps leading up to the hospital, and had almost crashed. Before he could stop it, he started laughing too.

They regained their composure when Jinwoo showed up. They replied to their name being called diligently. Then the crowd around them began to disperse. He saw Jiwon's features tense up.

“ _It’s gonna be difficult to see each other during the day_ ,” said the brunette, looking pained.

Hanbin knew that very well. He had spent the entire beginning of the week looking for Jiwon, wondering where he was. He knew full well that they wouldn't have many opportunities to meet, let alone to talk to each other.

“ _Send me a text when you have some time_ ,” he suggested. “ _I'll do my best to come see you.”_

Jiwon stared at him silently for a while, visibly surprised. Then he smiled, nodded, and promised he would do the same. He briefly and gently ran his thumb across his pale cheek as goodbye, and left to join his group.

Hanbin was about to look for his own in the hall, when Jisoo walked over, and nudged him suggestively.

“ _So you made up ? You agree to be his baby ?”_ she asked, a mischievous smirk on her lips.

Hanbin looked away, a little embarrassed. He did his best to ignore her teasing remarks all the way to their department. She asked him a whole bunch of other questions, and he didn’t give an answer to most of them. Amused by his discomfort, she only tried harder to get him to speak.

She didn't leave him alone all morning. And although he would never have admitted to it out loud, this morning went by at an incredible speed. Maybe because Jisoo kept talking to him and that kept him busy, and although she was way too curious for his comfort, he still thought she was nice and funny. Certainly because he was back with Jiwon, and it was like each one of his worries had suddenly vanished.

The surgeons who supervised them were very busy. So until the lunch break, they both stayed with an anesthesiologist and an experienced intern. They carried out a series of enriching and fun activities. Among other things, they learned how to properly stitch up cuts in fake pieces of skin, how to look at the anatomy of different organs, and how to identify some of the easier-to-detect diseases. They had a nice chat and the two employees gave them a lot of tips, advice and encouragement. They ate together and kept exchanging throughout the meal.

In the afternoon, he spent all his time following around the surgeon to whom he had been assigned. A dude so busy and overwhelmed that he hadn’t even introduced himself, and Hanbin only knew his name because he had read it on his lab coat. He couldn't do much, because everything was beyond his capabilities, but he was able to watch over a series of operations which greatly fascinated him. And although he had witnessed many somewhat disgusting ones, the sight of blood and open bodies did not affect him that much. Certainly because he was used to being hurt.

At around 4 p.m., he received a text from Jiwon. When he felt his phone buzz in his pocket, he immediately jumped. Discreetly, he glanced at the message that appeared on his screen. He suppressed a smile and cleared his throat. He made up an excuse, said he needed to go to the bathroom, and immediately left.

Jiwon pulled him into one of the stalls and sat down on the toilet. Hanbin locked the door behind his back, looking down at his friend's exhausted face. Slowly he stepped forward and slipped a hand through his hair.

“ _You okay ?”_ he whispered.

The brunette nodded and grabbed his hips to make him come closer. Hanbin complied, and approached until he stood right between his legs. He let him put his arms around him and rest his head against his stomach. He hugged him back, hoping he could be, even if just a little, of some comfort.

He knew full well that Jiwon was physically and mentally exhausted. He didn't think it was fair that he had to go through this. The managing should have been handled better, at least so that a young student didn’t have to go through two morally taxing departments in a row.

They chatted for a bit, whispering. When someone came in the restroom, they went silent and communicated through expressive looks. They waited for the intruder to leave the room before laughing and resuming their conversation. After a while they decided it was time to go back to work.

“ _We have to find another place to meet. It stinks in here_ ,” Jiwon said as he stood up.

Hanbin laughed a bit, agreeing with the suggestion and complaint. They both left the restroom as if nothing had happened, then parted ways and went back to their respective services.

At about six o'clock, while waiting for him, he chatted with Jisoo for a long time. She had lots of things to say, all the time. When she spotted Jiwon heading their way in the corner of her eye, forty-five minutes later, she got closer to him and smiled fondly.

“ _If you need any help, any advice… or just someone to talk to, let me know. I’m here.”_

Then she immediately ran away, beaming. Hanbin thought she was incredibly nice, considering everything that had happened.

Jiwon walked over to him, looking curious. Hanbin briefly explained to him his newfound friendship with the young woman. Then they went to the pediatric ward. During their short meeting earlier, they had agreed to visit Mihi before going home.

When they introduced themselves at the department’s reception desk, they were greeted by a nurse they had rarely ever met before. Hanbin explained to her that he was here to see the young patient. The woman, sitting in her chair, raised an eyebrow.

She told him that Mihi had been discharged, and that she had been sent home shortly after he’d left. The chestnut, taken aback by the sudden news, stood silent for a moment. He stopped to think. It just didn't make any sense. Because the kid’s health had not improved in any way during his internship. She couldn’t have been cured of her cancer in just two days, and no normal hospital would have sent her home in that state.

Nevertheless, he didn’t push it. He wasn't going to let it go, but there was no point in picking a fight here. That would only cause them even more trouble. So he forced himself to smile, and glanced at Jiwon. The latter nodded discreetly, showing he had understood.

The nurse's pager suddenly started beeping. She apologized and slipped away in a split second. Hanbin, tense, feeling anxious, leaned against the wall and sighed. He looked up as Jiwon walked behind the counter shamelessly. He straightened up immediately.

“ _What the hell are you doing ?”_ he whisper-screamed, panicked.

The brunette motioned for him to shut up, and rummaged through the many piles of documents on the desk. Eyes popping out of their sockets, the youngest looked around anxiously, watching in case anyone showed up. If they got caught doing that, they were going to have some serious problems.

“ _Gotcha !_ ”

The sudden exclamation made him jump. He refocused his attention on Jiwon, who was waving some paper sheet, looking proud and triumphant. He quickly joined him and showed him what he had found. It was Minho's resume. Above, there was all his info, including his phone number and his home address.

They got out of the hospital and tried to call him at least dozen times. Their former mentor didn’t pick up any of their calls. They eventually gave up. Then Jiwon offered to visit him at his apartment, and they agreed to go on Saturday.

Hanbin started to walk slowly, his eyes glued to his feet, worried and upset. Jiwon accompanied him part of the way, reluctant to let him go home. Eventually he let him go. They parted quickly, both preoccupied.

When he got home, he reheated the leftovers from last night's dinner. After this eventful day, he had almost forgotten what had happened in the morning. His mother hadn't come home yet, but he knew that as soon as she stepped inside, she would pester him with all kinds of questions. She was probably going to get mad, because he had lied to her, after all. Because he had let Jiwon spend the night with him, because he hadn’t gotten up on time, and she had caught them in this weird situation.

She got back home at around midnight. Seeing him sitting at the table, on his phone, she froze momentarily. Then she seemed to come back to life and took off her shoes. Strangely, she didn't start yell, nor did she cry. She dropped her old coat on one of the chairs, poured herself some steaming soup in a cracked mug, and sat down across from him. He watched as she brought it to her thin lips and took a sip. Her eyelids, smudged in black eyeshadow, closed succinctly, and her face marked with small wrinkles and fatigue relaxed considerably. She lowered her meal and squeezed her hands around the heat source.

“ _What's his name ?”_

At the small sound of her exhausted voice, Hanbin tensed. He didn't need context to know who she was talking about. He took a deep breath and put his phone face down on the table.

“ _Jiwon,”_ he whispered softly.

She nodded silently.

“ _Is he from your school ?”_

She took a sip of the broth again, a little more shakily. She looked uncomfortable.

“ _Yes. We’re from the same major.”_

He replied diligently. If she’d had started screaming, he certainly would have ignored her and locked himself up in his room. But since she was making an effort to listen to what he was saying, he could at least try a little as well.

She seemed to want to ask what they were. Why she had surprised them in this position. If it was normal for two young friends to hug each other while sleeping. And if she had, he probably wouldn't even have known what to say.

“ _Let me know, next time he stays. So I don't interrupt anything.”_

He felt the blood rush to his head, and he gripped his cell phone. He was horribly embarrassed.

“ _Now go to bed… it's late.”_

He looked at her for a short while. All her attention riveted on her cup, she looked serene. It was strange. It wasn't the kind of expression he was used to seeing on her features. He came to his senses, nodded and stood up. He went to his room and went straight to bed. He slipped under the covers and the remnants of Jiwon's scent washed over him. He closed his eyes, feeling calm.

Two days passed. He and Jiwon rarely had the chance to see each other, but made the most of the few minutes they stole from their work time. The older would often just cling to him and close his eyes to relax. He was totally at the end of his rope. Palliative care weighed heavily on his shoulders. The more days went by, the more he saw him crumble down. He wanted to be able to do something for him. But there was nothing he could do except just be there and let him think about something else in his presence.

They decided to meet in front of Minho's home on Saturday morning. When Hanbin found the building, Jiwon was already waiting for him in front of it. He was sitting on the base of a wall. He had rested his elbows on his knees, and was holding his head in between his purplish, reddish hands. He walked over to him, and crouched down in front of his knees. Sensing his presence, the brunette lifted up his face.

“ _You okay ?”_ Hanbin asked once again, worried.

Jiwon smiled softly at him as his only reply, his eyes narrowing gently. He had nasty dark circles under them.

“ _You sure ? We can head home if you want.”_

His friend got up and put an arm around his shoulders, telling him he was really fine. But Hanbin knew him well, and he knew it wasn’t the case.

The building was modest, and so was the neighborhood. Minho, as a doctor, couldn't particularly be short on money, but he didn't really show his wealth either. Hanbin, after spotting his name and apartment number, rang on his intercom. Seeing that there was a small camera, he stood in front of it and made sure that his face could be seen. No one picked up. So he called again, one, two, three times. Countless times. Jiwon was blowing on his hands behind his back. He was about to give up, when suddenly Minho's voice pierced through the device.

“ _Hanbin ? Jiwon ? What in the world–”_

He sounded more than confused. He told them to come up quickly, and unlocked the safe door for them. They both rushed into the entrance hall, sheltered from the cold wind. They took the stairs all the way up to the fourth floor. Once in front of the door, Hanbin rang the doorbell. He heard a monumental crash coming from inside, then footsteps approaching. Then a long silence. His former mentor surely was watching them through the peephole.

The door opened on a familiar figure. But despite that, Minho seemed like a different person. He was dressed in a gray jogging suit filled with holes, with stains everywhere. A sloppy beard had started growing all over the lower part of his face. His hair, messy and dirty, fell over his dark eyes. He was barefoot in the middle of a pile of trash bags, all stacked in his hallway.

“ _Get in, quick.”_

He let them come in, glanced furtively down the hall, and locked the door behind them. Hanbin had to be careful where he stepped foot, and guided Jiwon behind him, because the ground was littered with trash, and it was horribly dark. The thick curtains were drawn, preventing the sun from fully penetrating the interior. Stomping on everything on the floor, Minho joined them in the living room, and led them to the sofa. He got rid of all the dirty clothes that covered it, tossing them in a corner of the room. Then he motioned for them to sit down.

Hanbin watched him, frowning. He saw him go to the window, pull the curtain a little to peek outside, then close it quickly again. He looked restless, nervous. He was weird. He was nothing like the man he had admired since the very first day, that man that had looked like a runway model just a few weeks ago.

Jiwon sat down first, and Hanbin followed him. Minho offered them a cup of coffee, before remembering that he didn't have any. Then tea. But after rummaging through all of his cupboards, and messing up even more his already messed up kitchen, he couldn't find any either. So he offered them a glass of water.

Hanbin couldn't help but look around him. Except for the countless piles of garbage, torn trash bags and leftover cup noodles, the apartment was totally empty, and impersonal. There were no photos, no plants, no unusual furniture, no personal items. The shelves were empty of everything, the drawers full of nothing. As if no one had ever lived in this place. And thinking that, he remembered the staff room. This room where Minho sat every night, surrounded by his books, his notes and diagrams, his post-its, adorable photos and countless drawings his patients had gifted to him, installed in his scratched leather chair. In the end, that break room had been more his home than his own home.

The pediatrician sank into the armchair in front of them, amid the dirty clothes. Hanbin couldn't speak, so Jiwon explained to him why they had come. What had prompted them to visit him.

Minho confessed to them that he had been fired because he had thrown a fit, after learning that Mihi had been sent home. That he left, threatening the hospital to report them to the health services. Swearing that he would destroy them, using everything he had seen. Mihi’s sudden disappearance, and the same for a few other kids he had been taking care of. The fact that an appalling number of his patients was covered with suspicious marks between their thighs. He had tried to tell his director and his colleagues about it, but no one had listened to him. They had fired him for defamation, and called him crazy. And since then he had been unable to find a job, in any other hospital or clinic, because the word that he was a madman had spread throughout the profession. Their former guide looked around, scanning his messy, dark apartment.

“ _There’s something weird that’s going on in pediatrics... and ever since I left, I feel like someone’s watching me wherever I go.”_

Realizing what he was saying, he pinched his chapped lips.

“ _I'm not crazy, eh.”_

There was a short moment of silence, then Jiwon's hoarse and reassuring voice reached them in a whisper.

“ _We know. And we believe you.”_

The pediatrician froze, then suddenly his shoulders relaxed. He softened in a weak smile.

“ _Thank you.”_

Hanbin quietly turned his head to the brunette. In the dark, it was hard to see how bothered he was by it all. He thought it was very brave of him to try and reassure Minho, when he himself was incredibly upset by everything that was happening to him.

Jiwon told the doctor all the strange situations he had encountered during his internship one by one. Starting with his first patient, that woman who’d said that she was being mistreated, to this mother who’d had her baby stolen. He told him that something fishy was going on in the hospital, and not just in pediatrics. Then they exchanged on their doubts, their fears in more detail. Minho felt guilty for letting something like this happen. He was a great guy.

After almost an hour of talking, the pediatrician jumped and said he had to show them something. So he got up, went to his sink, and pulling apart a wooden board that was broken, he pulled out a small leather notebook from under the cabinet. He came back to them and sat down.

“ _I found this in the hospital before I left. It looked important, so I took it.”_

He handed it to Jiwon, who received it. He opened it to any page, and scrolled through several of them. On all the yellowed pages were written insane number sequences, lettered abbreviations and strange signs.

“ _I think that's why I'm being followed. I’m sure this is important. It’s just a matter of time before they break in and try to get it back.”_

Hanbin, feeling a little scared by all of this, saw Jiwon's reddened hands tighten around the book’s cover, and shake imperceptibly. He looked up and tried to meet his eyes in the dark. He didn’t succeed.

“ _Let me keep it,”_ Jiwon said.

The chesnut grabbed his friend's wrist and forced him to look at him. He was crazy, he had lost his mind. What if people who had followed Minho around tried to attack him to get this book back ? 

“ _I want to take a look. If they’re convinced that you’re the one who has it, then it's better that I take it with me. If one day they decide to pull your apartment apart to find it, that way they won't get their hands on it.”_

Hanbin totally disagreed with that.

“ _That's the only piece of evidence we have, if it even is one. We can't afford to lose it.”_

Minho, who initially seemed rather reluctant, now looked convinced. For his part, Hanbin was still not, and would never be. By gently releasing himself from his grip, the brunette made him understand that he didn't really have a say in it.

They spent the day with Minho, trying to dissect this damn book, without success. Hanbin felt like he was suffocating in this room, talking about such awful things. The people disappearing, the mistreatment. The possible danger Jiwon would find himself in, if he delved deeper into this story. He was terrified.

They did not leave until after dark. Minho gave them his prepaid phone’s number, and asked them to be discreet. That evening Hanbin insisted on escorting Jiwon home.

The way back was calm, and without incident. He had worried about nothing. Once at the bottom of the building, his eldest offered him to eat with his family, and even to stay to sleep, if he wanted to. He agreed to have dinner with them, but made it clear that he would go home for the night.

He got back into the warmth of the loft he had left only a few days earlier. Nothing had changed. Jiwon turned on the lights, and everything lit up. On the table was a handwritten note. He read it.

“ _Your mom says she and Jiyeon went to see a movie at the cinema. They’re sorry they went without you. They will be home late.”_

He heard Jiwon’s laugh come from the entrance, where he was getting rid of his things. He walked past him in socks, and briefly hugged him by the waist. Hanbin jumped just before he let go.

“ _So it’s just the two of us_ ,” Jiwon said, heading for the kitchen.

At this simple sentence, the chestnut swallowed. Yeah, just the two of them. And that wasn't the first time it was just them, but this time… this time it was different. They hadn't really been alone and isolated together since they had made up. Since their special relationship had changed into something else. Something more.

“ _You okay with cup noodles ? I'm too lazy to cook.”_

Hanbin snapped out of his thoughts, laughed and nodded, while joining the brunette near the fridge. They waited for the water to boil. Barely fifteen minutes later, they were settled on the couch and enjoying their meal in front of a boring TV show. Little by little all the tension they had accumulated during the day subsided. They even forgot the notebook in the backpack in the entrance hall.

Less than an hour later, Hanbin was comfortably seated on the sofa, half lying down. Suddenly Jiwon propped himself up, and leaned over him. He saw his face get dangerously close, and in an almost uncontrolled twitch, he froze and closed his eyes.

He waited a few seconds in the dark, but nothing happened. So he opened one eye. The older one had just stretched his arm over him to grab the remote that was on his right. Probably to change the channel, because after all this show was really fucking boring.

Hanbin felt all his blood concentrate in his face. He wanted to bang his head against the wall, and bury himself six feet underground. He’d come out of his hole only when the whole world had forgotten his existence, along with this humiliating situation.

He turned his head in the opposite direction, wanting to run away. However Jiwon grabbed his jaw and forced him to look back at him. He saw him turn off the television, let go of the remote, and get imperceptibly closer.

“ _What did you think I’d do, hmm ?”_

His masculine features stretched into a satisfied expression, looking smug. A smirk appeared on his lips. Hanbin, high key obsessed with his face and also petrified, was unable to answer.

He felt Jiwon push himself up on top of him. He raised his head so as not to lose him for even a single second. There was that moment of hesitation, during which he let him come incredibly close to him. His head was spinning, his heart racing as much as his mind was. He couldn't help but start to shake.

Jiwon, while exhaling against his face, let his hand slide from his jaw to his neck, which he squeezed weakly.

“ _You’re beautiful, Bin. You’re driving me crazy.”_

At the sweet sound of his voice, Hanbin closed his eyes momentarily. When he opened them again, the brunette briefly ran his tongue over his lips. He shuddered.

“ _Can I ?”_

He remained motionless. As if all his desire was on hold. If Hanbin had said no, he would have retreated from above him, without a doubt. If he had pushed him away again, he would have given him more time. He could have refused. However, he found no more reason to say no.

“ _Hmm.”_

In a low hum, he accepted it. Absent-mindedly, he felt a first kiss pressed close to his ear. Instantly the sweet feeling made him close his eyes again. Jiwon’s wet lips traced along his jaw, lost the way on his chin, then went all the way up to his eyelashes. Hanbin let himself get covered in hugs and kisses, hands grasping at his partner’s legs.

He couldn't tell how much time was passing, because he was in bliss, but right at the moment when Jiwon pressed his lips to his, he felt his eyelids flutter, and his body lifted up to come in contact with the older one’s.

He also didn't know at what point those innocent and sweet kisses took on a different turn. At what point his lips started to hurt, although no pain could have ever made him stop. At what point Jiwon sat down on his pelvis, and grinded against his crotch, hips bucking forward. At what point he grabbed his jaw, made him open his mouth, and slid his hot tongue inside.

He felt like a fire had started in his lower stomach, and he couldn't breathe anymore. It was too much all at once. Jiwon’s pent up desire was pouring out all at once. Hanbin turned away to take some time to breathe, just so he wouldn’t suffocate from all the kissing. His eyelids opened slightly. The brunette didn’t stop, or couldn’t stop. He kissed all over his cheek, down to his neck, and slid his burning tongue against every inch of his skin. With one hand he unbuttoned his shirt quickly.

Hanbin let him kiss and suck at his collarbones, his chest, his abdomen, all the way down to his navel. Pepper his skin with red bruises and teeth marks. Head thrown back, buried in a couch pillow, he gripped a handful of Jiwon's jet black hair between his fingers. Then the latter's face went under his belt. With his teeth he lightly scratched the half-hard bump that was showing under his jeans. And at the very moment a small moan escaped Hanbin’s tight lips, they heard a small noise, so they froze.

Jiyeon's voice reached them from the entrance. They straightened up suddenly.

Hanbin sat down appropriately and buttoned up his shirt again in a hurry, panicked. To his left, Jiwon looked disheveled, and was leaning over his legs to calm himself down. They looked at each other for a short moment.

They were fucked. Completely busted. One look at their lips was enough to understand that they had just made out like horn dogs, in plain sight, for all the inhabitants of the surrounding buildings to see. The older boy covered his mouth and tried hard to keep from laughing. Hanbin’s lower stomach hurt. And it wasn't because he was holding back from laughing.

Jiyeon, as soon as she was them, climbed on the armrest and began to tell them about the movie she had just watched. Her mother joined them shortly after. Seeing them in their glorious state, she froze for a second. They also did, and tried to look innocent. Then she obviously decided to act like she hadn't seen anything.

“ _Hanbin ! How nice to see you. Are you staying for the night ?”_

While asking him the question, she took off her long beige coat.

“ _No… I was just about to leave_ ,” he lied.

He heard Jiwon snort, and he cast him a deadly stare. The brunette quickly turned his head and tried to contain his giggling. Hanbin slapped him hard on the back. Jiyeon erupted into laughed at as well. He stood up. He bade them good night, and then he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this translation is a mess and i'm so sorry ;;


	13. jiwon ─ You belong in the everlasting light

Jiwon dragged Hanbin into one of the storage rooms, a room cramped with shelves and boxes full of useless stuff that no one was ever looking for. It was barely eleven. In one short morning they had already managed to see each other three times. He knew full well that if he used his ‘I need to pee’ excuse too much, his colleagues would start suspecting something was wrong. But as he once more pressed his lips to the chestnut's, what he was going to have to come up with as a new pretext didn't matter much to him. It was a problem for his future self to solve.

An arm wrapped around Hanbin's waist, busy adding his mouth to the list of his many obsessions, he clumsily locked the door behind his back. Without letting go of each other, they staggered to the back of the room. As they stepped back they tripped over a stack of medical draw sheets, and held themselves up against one of the iron shelves. It rattled furiously.

“ _Wait… Jiwon…”_

Between two heated kisses, Hanbin tried to tell him something. It was probably to warn him about the footsteps coming from the hallway, but he absolutely didn’t give a fuck.

“ _Shhhh.”_

In the darkness, he motioned for him not to make a sound. He lowered himself and peppered his skin with quick kisses, going from his jaw to the base of his neck. Hanbin, in a low hum, crossed his arms around his head and melted against his body. It was his shy way of asking for more.

Jiwon nervously stripped him of his white coat, which smelled strongly of latex and ethanol. Then he let his hurried palms run down his chest, through the soft fabric of his shirt. He could feel his maddened heartbeat echo throughout his rib cage. The twitches and shivers that went through him as his thumbs stroked his sides. His choppy exhalations, when he caressed a place that made him feverish.

The youngest had gripped a few strands of his dark hair, and wouldn’t let go. He was letting Jiwon devour his lips without a complaint. He was even asking for more. He no longer looked away, hastily gave in to all his kisses, and kept his mouth open just so his tongue could slide into it.

Jiwon put both hands on his hips, held on tight, and in a upwards thrust of his own hips, he made their two half hard erections rub against each other painfully. Hanbin let out an 'oh' in a hot breath, and his eyelids fluttered, until they closed completely.

The older one was suddenly forced out of his ecstasy. The sound of his timer echoed in the small room. Their short time had already fully ran out.

“ _Fuck.”_

He detached one of his hands from his partner’s feverish figure to turn off the irritating ringtone. Hanbin seemed to be coming back to earth.

“ _What ?”_ he whispered softly, still high from the short-lived pleasure.

Jiwon looked down at their two heated bodies. They looked like they were fusing together. Hanbin was breathing deeply against his lips. He didn't seem to understand. Maybe he hadn't heard the awful alarm.

“ _It's been ten minutes already. I have to go._ ”

He looked at him as he tilted his head back against the wall, then as he sighed in defeat.

“ _I see.”_

He kissed his chin, sighing against his skin in turn. He only wanted one thing, and that was to stay with him. Here or anywhere else, it didn't matter.

“ _You_ _go first. I'm going to stay behind a little longer, so I can… calm down,”_ Hanbin whispered.

He noticed the younger’s obvious arousal, and couldn't keep a satisfied smirk from creeping onto his manly features. He tried to kiss him one last time, but the chestnut pushed him away, begging him not to make it any worse. So he pulled away from him reluctantly.

“ _Next time is the one,”_ he assured. “ _Next time... I'm not leaving you alone until you come in your pants.”_

Hanbin, shocked with embarrassment, grabbed the nearest object and threw it in his face. Jiwon dodged the projectile, laughing loudly. He smiled tenderly at him, then slipped away as sneakily as possible.

He went back to his department despite really not wanting to. He stopped in the bathroom to clean his face, to remove the last traces of what he had just done from his skin. He looked in the mirror until the exaltation diminished, and reality overwhelmed him again. He absolutely didn't want to go back.

He hated this place. He hated this place and all the two-faced employees – all women for some reason – who worked there. He hated having to listen to them complain about their jobs, their patients, their families. He hated the way they named them using their diseases ; this old man that they called “the throat cancer dude”, this kid that one of them had nicknamed “leukemia junior”, or this lady that they had named “the walking tumor”. He hated their hypocrisy and disdain, their nonchalance in the face of someone else's death. He hated their lack of patience and empathy, and the way they made fun of the distraught families who burst into tears with every visit. 

He hated them and his hatred was driving him crazy. He was tasked with what they refused to do, among other things. Caring for those patients who couldn’t go to the restroom on their own anymore, and who soiled their bed regularly. Talking to them and bringing them some company, some comfort. Communicating with their families to inform them and help them prepare for what was bound to happen. The very thought of death terrified him, but he always did his best not to let it show. Here he witnessed people die every day, and it haunted him. It followed him all the way home, as he ate, as he showered, and even as he slept.

When he was in this service, it felt like he was stepping into another dimension. Maybe not in the afterlife, but in a space in between. In between life and death, a world that stayed still. It was like a train station, an airport. Where all patients waited in line holding their numbered ticket, and waited patiently for their train to arrive. Waiting for their turn to board it and never come back. There was nothing they could do about it. There was no way back, no refund. A one-way ticket to an unknown place… to nothingness.

Clinging to the edge of the sink, he stared at his reflection in the mirror, and tried to hold back his trembling. He closed his eyes, and Hanbin's comforting features appeared in the darkness behind his eyelids. He inhaled calmly, a little feverishly. He found the strength to go back.

He went back to the two middle-aged women in charge of training him. They weren't particularly concerned with his case, though. They gave him task after task, regardless of his physical or moral state. They didn’t care about how he was handling the internship in this difficult department. Or rather how he wasn’t handling it.

Again, he spent the day cleaning feces, giving cheap and ineffective painkillers to patients who were in terrible pain, listening to these poor people’s problems, drying their tears when they were terrorized in face of their imminent end, and holding back his own with all his might.

During his lunch break, he went out to buy a dozen hot coffees instead of eating. Without explaining why to anyone. Then he resumed the work he had for the day.

At seven p.m. he was finally able to leave work. Like every night Hanbin had been waiting for him in the lobby for an hour. Seeing him, he rose from the bench where he had been sitting all this time, and hurried in his direction. He recovered his smile immediately. They left the hospital exchanging a few words.

Once out of the building, and away from any peeping eyes and curious stares, Jiwon bravely grabbed his hand. Hanbin, surprised, jumped a little. Then followed an adorable reflex that made him squeeze back. Walking slowly they left the horrible place behind.

Standing still under the light of one of the last lampposts, he saw a familiar figure. Seeing his light blonde hair and short stature, he recognized him immediately.

“ _Jinhwan !”_

Their oldest turned in their direction, taking his eyes off his phone’s brightly lit screen. As soon as he saw them, his face relaxed into a smile. Jiwon felt Hanbin pull his hand away from his and tuck it in his pocket, visibly uncomfortable. He didn't try to hold him back.

“ _I came to get Junhoe_ ,” said the oldest. “ _Have you seen him ?”_

The brunette shook his head. They hadn't crossed paths in a while. After the exams, they'd spent a week going out every night and getting drunk off their asses, so they hadn’t even had the time or even the energy to argue. Then he'd spent that weekend at his house, and they'd acted like nothing had ever went wrong between them. But now that he had reconciled with Hanbin, and that their relationship was even more ambiguous than it had been before, he was afraid of his reaction. Getting rejected by his cherished best friend had already been difficult enough the first time around, he wasn't really ready to go through something like that again.

While he was lost in his thoughts, Jinhwan had naturally began to chat with Hanbin. Thinking about it, he remembered seeing them talk at Jisoo's party. Before he could understand what was happening, the two of them were already exchanging their numbers. He smiled, a little perplexed. He wondered where the shy and introverted Hanbin that he had met back then had gone.

Suddenly Jinhwan's attention shifted from them, and fell on Junhoe, standing a few meters away. He was coming towards them.

“ _We should go_ ,” Jiwon hastened, grabbing Hanbin's arm.

The blonde's features twitched. He was bothered by it. Jiwon assured him that everything was fine, and rested a friendly hand on his shoulder. Then he took the chestnut with him, and they slipped away before his best friend got to Jinhwan.

That night, as soon as he separated from Hanbin, his mind dived back into its torments. He couldn’t get rid of it all evening. His mother looked like she was worried, and wanted to do something about it, however she left him alone. He went to bed early, because he was exhausted. That night again he had a nightmare. When he woke up he never remembered what it had been like, but he knew he was terrified.

He opened his eyes in the dark, his heart pounding furiously in his chest. It took him a moment to realize that he had just woken up. Motionless, almost paralyzed, his gaze was frozen in nothingness. Then in the dark, a multitude of misshapen and blurry forms began to agglomerate together and twist horribly. Soon what sounded like whispers and complaints were huffed in his ears. He closed his eyelids tightly, enough to shut out all the monsters around him. He sat down and suddenly turned the lights on. His room lit up in a yellow glow. He opened his eyes again, and looked around.

There was nothing. No one other than him. He leaned over his knees, and let out a feverish sigh.

He repeated that exact same day, the next day. Get up at seven-thirty without having slept for the rest of the night, leave at eight. As soon as he gets to the hospital, spend some time with Hanbin, watch him smile and feel a little bit better about your life. Leave him to get to work. First, visit the old man that no one ever visits except from you, and spend a good half hour with him to bring him some company, and reassure him. Then make a round, clean the patients and their beds. Receive a message from Hanbin, take a leave for five minutes and make out with him in the storage room. Come back and get back to work. Stay with the dying patient and hold their hand until the heart monitor stops beeping. Cry in silence in a corner, as discreetly as possible, so that your hideous colleagues don’t make fun of you. At noon, go out and buy ten coffees. Four lattes and six iced Americanos. Come back and skip lunch, because you never have any appetite anyway. Work until Hanbin contacts you again. Slip away again. Kiss him in a corner and hope no one sees you. Come back. Put up with the teasing and mockery. Because they did see you cry. Wait for their endless lecture to, yeah, end. Do work. Cry silently. See Hanbin. Comfort patients. Inform the family of the deceased. Cry again. Print the death certificate. Hear your colleagues laugh. Hold back from saying anything. Work some more.

He abruptly slammed his locker door. All the others were already gone. Gripping the iron handle, he remained motionless for a few seconds. Like a broken puppet he turned his head towards the mirror, hung on the wall to his right. He looked at his own reflection without being able to see himself. He felt like he was looking down a dark hole. Staring down the abyss. He couldn't see anything.

He clenched his jaw and came to his senses. Hanbin was waiting for him. He put his smile back on before joining him. He didn't want him to worry any more than he already did.

They parted in front of his house. Ever since that day they had visited Minho, Hanbin refused to let him go back on his own. Fortunately, their houses were more or less in the same direction, even though Hanbin’s was much further away.

Jiwon forced himself to eat that night, so as not to worry his mother and sister. He didn't really have an appetite, but his stomach was so empty and hungry that he could still swallow whatever he wanted. When he was done he excused himself and went to bed early. Hoping that this night would be more peaceful than the previous ones.

He’d been wrong. Because once again a bad dream awoke him around two in the morning, and he was unable to fall asleep again. He couldn't stop shaking.

Not quite sure what he was doing, he texted Hanbin. _I’m going somewhere. Wanna come ?_ , and that was it. He wasn't hoping for an answer – let alone a positive one, so he laid back down painfully between his damp sheets. He actually didn’t feel like going on his own.

Once again, he had been wrong.

 _I'll be there in twenty_ , was what Hanbin immediately replied. Incredulous he brought his hand to his mouth, lowered his head, and his tremors doubled in intensity. He got up and got dressed in a hurry. He stuffed everything he needed into a backpack and put on a thick jacket. He grabbed his keys and then left the apartment trying to make as little noise as possible, so as not to wake anyone.

He waited outside in the cold, continuously checking the direction Hanbin was supposed to arrive from. When he saw his silhouette take shape in the light of a lamppost, his throat tightened painfully. The chestnut saw him, rushed to him, grabbed his cold hands and pressed them to his warm stomach.

“ _Why didn't you wait inside ? You're frozen.”_

While lecturing him gently, he rubbed his chilled skin between his fingers.

“ _You should put on your gloves. I didn't knit them for them to stay in a drawer, did I ?”_

Jiwon smiled innocently, exhausted and tender.

“ _I don’t want to damage them_ ,” he justified himself.

With these words, Hanbin complained and they began to walk. He guided his friend through a residential area’s streets. There were a lot of houses, each more impressive than the last. At one point they stopped in front of a silver gate, bordered by two stone walls. He climbed it without much difficulty. Once seated at the top, he gripped the edge and extended a hand to Hanbin to help him climb up as well. The latter, perplexed, looked at him suspiciously.

“ _You sure we can go inside ?”_

Jiwon couldn't help but laugh a little. The chestnut had certainly relaxed a little since their first meeting, but basically he was still the same. A nice obedient boy, a goody two shoes.

“ _Do you trust me or not ?”_

There was a brief moment of hesitation, during which his partner seemed to gage the situation. Then he ended up grabbing his arm and pulling himself up to the top. They landed on the other side. Without letting go of his hand, Jiwon guided him into the flowery garden. Hanbin was watching everything around him, as if he was afraid they would get caught.

“ _Stop that_ ,” Jiwon laughed. “ _We didn't break in, it's my old house. We used to live there, before my parents divorced.”_

As he said that, he shook the bundle of keys in his free hand. The youngest looked relieved. They stopped at the front door. It took him some time to remember which key unlocked it. When they stepped inside it was all dark. With his phone’s flashlight, he lit the way ahead. Except for the furniture, hidden under large white sheets to protect it from dust, the house was completely empty.

They went down the stairs leading to the semi-basement. Once downstairs, Jiwon flicked a switch on the circuit breaker, then started up some kind of pump. A few blue lights came on and they could see where they were stepping. It was a long, dimly lit room, plunging them into a subdued blue atmosphere. The floor was carpeted with dark wooden planks, contrasting with the grayish stones that covered the walls. The moon sent some whitish rays through the high panoramic windows. The room was saturated with damp air. He walked to the edge of a long in-ground pool filled to the brim with clear water. He dropped his bag on the ground, and took off his coat. Hanbin had frozen at the bottom of the steps.

“ _What's wrong ? You scared of water ?”_ Jiwon teased. 

The brunette looked up from the shimmering water, and swallowed.

“ _I don't know how to swim_ ,” he confessed.

Jiwon immediately fell silent, startled. He felt stupid. He hadn't thought about that, at all. For some reason, the fact that Hanbin couldn't swim completely hadn't crossed his mind.

“ _You never learned ?”_

The youngest finally started to move, and a smile stretched his features.

“ _And where would I have learned, smarty-pants ?”_ he retorted gently. “ _In my backyard’s mud puddles ?”_

Hearing Hanbin laugh at his own joke, he relaxed. He watched him walk towards him, with a look he had never seen on his face before. Unconsciously his irises froze on his lips. He felt him rest his hands on his shoulders. His heart thumped hard in his chest.

“ _But you should definitely get wet, since you’re not afraid of water.”_

With those words Hanbin pushed him back. Jiwon lost his balance, and a second later, his still fully clothed body crashed in the water. He struggled in the liquid mass. When he came to the surface, his friend had crouched down, leaning over the water, and was laughing so happily that his bright and cute laughter was echoing throughout the whole room.

“ _You little shit...”_

Without managing to stop himself from smiling, the brunette flapped his arms and feet to keep his face above the water. He swam to the edge where Hanbin was, hung himself there and wiped his wet hair away from his forehead.

“ _You proud of that ?”_

The chestnut nodded, obviously very satisfied. Jiwon extended a hand towards him and flicked a few drops of water his way, laughing.

“ _Come in. I'll teach you.”_

Hanbin's face twitched slightly. He seemed to be worried.

“ _Don't worry, I'm right here. Nothing will happen to you.”_

He saw him pursing his lips and stay still for a while. Then he sat down on the edge of the pool. Still looking undecided, he nevertheless let his legs soak in. Jiwon placed himself between his knees, and wrapped his wet arms around his waist. While holding him close, he helped him gently slide his body into the water. Hanbin clung to his shoulders, cheek pressed against his, hugging him tightly.

“ _You should know you're the luckiest guy on this planet_ ," Jiwon huffed, working hard to keep them both afloat. “ _It's not every day you get to learn from a wonderful teacher like me.”_

He heard him laugh against his ear, and could discern a touch of discomfort in his voice. He was still a little scared.

“ _I'm the Korean version of Michael Phelps, I swear.”_

By listening to his ridiculous jokes, Hanbin relaxed considerably. So Jiwon made a few strokes in the water to move away from the edge, and swim to the opposite side. He didn't let go of him, not even from a millimeter. Once on the other side, he clung to the edge to hold them up, and then lifted Hanbin up to make him sit on the ledge. Still in the water, he took off his own shoes, which fell to the bottom of the pool. He unbuttoned his pants, somehow pulled them off his legs, and then he also took off his sweater. In underpants and submerged up to the neck, he dove in the warm water, and came back up. Hanbin was looking at him obsessively, motionless.

“ _Stop drooling and take your clothes off too_ ,” Jiwon said.

The chestnut raised one eyebrow, and looked him up and down.

“ _You’re so fucking perverted. That’s the only thing you think about all day, isn’t it ?”_

Jiwon, sending his arm across himself abruptly, sent a huge wave of water right in his face.

“ _It's because you weigh a ton with your clothes on, you moron ! Get your mind out of the gutter.”_

Hanbin, offended, kicked his feet and soaked his face in water as payback. And even if he had been acting shy, it didn’t take long for him to undress as well.

They plunged back into the water. It was warming up little by little, thanks to this weird pump he had activated a little earlier. Hanbin clung to him like an oyster to its rock, and stubbornly refused to let go. He was almost strangling him, laughing loudly in his ear every time they completed a circle in the water. He wasn't teaching him how to swim at all, but he was having fun, and Jiwon was happy if he was.

After a while, he had to stop. Swimming on your own was already hard enough, even more so if he was carrying dead weight on his back. He clung to the edge once again, with Hanbin now trapped in between his arms. Breathless, he felt the younger cross his legs around his waist and rub against his torso to hold himself up.

“ _Uh, maybe don't do that_ ," Jiwon whispered, uneasy.

He had shown outstanding composure before, letting him hold onto him while he was almost naked. Trying to ignore the electrifying sensation that each direct contact with his skin gave him. Acting as if he didn't feel what was happening to him down below. He saw Hanbin look down and smile widely.

“ _See ? I told you, you're a pervert.”_

He felt him slide one of his hands on his neck, then down to his collarbone. After that his fingers went under the water and, in the lukewarm liquid, outlined every angle of his toned chest one by one. He too had lowered his gaze, and could no longer detach it from his every move.

It didn't take long for his lips to come meet his, and he let him take them. The water squeezed out between their two bodies, as they abruptly collided with a clapping sound. The chestnut’s bare back hit the pool’s cold wall.

Jiwon let go of the ledge with one his strong arms to support Hanbin's hips. The latter, fingers lost in his wet hair, was quick to give him access to his tongue. He felt like he was going nuts. It was an awkward and exhausting position for him. His left arm, holding them firmly close to the edge and afloat, was starting to cramp, but nothing could stop him. Hanbin's hard erection rubbed against his lower stomach, through his soaked white underwear. He was breathing in short huffs against his skin, eyelids closed, brows furrowed in ecstasy and frustration. They needed more, way more.

Jiwon squeezed his hand on his ass, and with the arm that held them out of the water, he propped himself up so their pelvises would meet and their cocks would rub against each other. As soon as he felt the friction, he sighed feverishly. At the lustful sound of Hanbin’s exhalations and the rubbing between their two boxers, he felt his crotch go numb.

Each time he dragged himself up, his chest slammed against Hanbin's, and more water overflowed the edge of the pool. The chestnut clung to his shoulders desperately, and his hips had started to pick up the pace on their own. In a trance, he rested his forehead against Jiwon’s collarbone. With each friction he exhaled harshly. Soon he couldn't even suppress the deep hums that escaped from his tightened throat.

Jiwon, dripping with sweat, finally closed his eyes as well. Behind his closed eyelids he saw all kinds of lights lightly flicker. He couldn’t stop, not now. He rubbed his rock hard cock against the youngest’s from every angle, as slow or fast and as obscenely as possible. Trying to find the place where it felt the best, the most exhilarating. There was nothing platonic about what they were doing anymore. There was nothing friendly in their relationship anymore.

“ _Fuck, fuck, Hanbin...”_

He let out a deep moan through his teeth. Hanbin was so caught up in his ecstasy that he clawed at his back and responded to his call by humming in his ear. It only took one more thrust for a spasm to make him tremble all over. Then in a suave moan, he came against his chest, in his shorts. At that very moment, the brunette felt his lower abdomen tingle, and his legs went numb. Maybe it was because he’d felt Hanbin come, but he followed suit a few seconds later.

Sticky and sweaty, he released the younger’s hips, and relieved his exhausted left arm by leaning on the other. Out of breath, he listened to Hanbin’s heart silently, which was beating furiously against his.

“ _I told you I’d make you come all over your pants.”_

The chestnut, breathless, let out a small and cute laugh against his cheek. Jiwon pulled them out of the water as best he could, and they fell against the wooden floor. He closed his eyes, suddenly overcome with fatigue. To avoid falling asleep on the spot, he straightened up.

He grabbed his bag, from which he took out two large bath towels, and two pairs of clean underwear. He threw one of each at him. Seeing that he had planned everything, Hanbin laughed even more. They dried off while chatting. When he took off his soiled boxers, the chestnut's face turned crimson.

“ _Okay now you tell me_ ,” Hanbin whispered, embarrassed. “ _How many of your ex-girlfriends did you do it with in that same pool ?”_

The brunette, having finished putting on his clean underwear, dropped his towel and pretended to be offended.

“ _Believe it or not, I’d never brought anyone home before you. And I haven't had that many girlfriends, by the way.”_

Hanbin didn't seem to believe it.

“ _As you can see, it seems I have I have a preference for those who have the same ‘package’ as I do. So no, I didn’t fuck any girl, or anyone in that pool, Bin. But I’ll let you have the privilege of that, if you’d like.”_

While saying that, he had moved closer to him, and had slipped his hands on his sides. The younger one looked straight at him for a moment, clinging to his arms, like he was just about to push him away.

“ _You're my first guy...”_

He brought his face closer to his. He felt him shake imperceptibly under his palms.

“ _And I really want you to be the last.”_

He placed a light kiss on his jaw. Hanbin tilted his head to the side unconsciously, as if he was willing to believe him no matter what. Like he had just given up, like he was asking for more. He didn't need to be told twice. Without holding back, he sucked a multitude of reddish marks on his neck. The chestnut’s hands slid from his arms up to his shoulders. Then, blindly, he offered his lips so he’d kiss him.

They spent the rest of the night in his old room, on his old bed. He didn’t have any other nightmare.

Miraculously, they woke up on time. Without even showering, they put on the clothes Jiwon had brought the day before, and left as quickly as possible. They got to the hospital on time. Again, he was reluctant to part ways with his partner.

“ _We’ll see each other later_ ,” Hanbin reassured him tenderly.

He nodded and smiled at that. He didn't want to worry him, so he let him go to Jisoo and head to his service.

Another abominable day passed. It wouldn’t have been any different from the others, if at around ten in the morning, they hadn’t announced the arrival of a new patient, one in a coma. Jiwon had refrained from sighing, exhausted. One more patient meant only one thing to him : he was going to have to take care of one more person, he was going to feel bad for one more person. Because his disgusting colleagues certainly weren't going to take care of them, nor help him in any way. And if they were in a coma, that just meant even more work. 

So an hour later, they welcomed the newcomer to a secluded room. The rolling bed passed right in front of him, occupied by the inanimate person. As soon as he caught a glimpse of their face, he recognized them. He tensed up and refrained from swearing out loud. It was Chanwoo. He felt all color and warmth leave his face, and his legs went numb. He stood there for many long minutes, even after his colleagues had left.

Suddenly someone put a hand on his shoulder. He raised his head. Jinwoo, a smile plastered on his face, patted him on the back. He had no idea what he was doing in this department, instead of being in his, but his affable demeanor made his blood run cold.

“ _Something wrong, Jiwonie ?”_

The nickname made him shiver, but he responded with a smile that looked like a grimace.

“ _No, I’m okay_ ,” he lied.

The psychiatrist withdrew his hand from his lab coat, and stuck it in his own pocket. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.

“ _Take good care of him, okay ? Seeing young people like this makes me feel insanely sad.”_

Jiwon glanced discreetly at his former mentor. He jumped when their eyes met. No, he wasn't sad. He was nowhere near sad. In his black pupils there was nothing. Just indifference. A terrifying, chilling indifference. It was threatening, almost.

“ _Don't worry about that… Chanwoo is a precious friend.”_

He saw the older man raise an eyebrow. He didn't look surprised, rather… intrigued.

“ _Ah yeah ?”_ he questioned, looking interested.

And Jiwon couldn’t have said what went over him at that moment. But he looked down at Jinwoo, and without thinking about the consequences of his actions, he let his smile falter.

“ _Yeah... there were no secrets between us. I know everything there is to know.”_

He had never uttered such a grotesque lie in his life. Again, there was something cold and horrifying in the eyes of the older.

“ _You should be careful, Jiwonie. Accidents happen quickly, especially if you get involved in things that you shouldn’t mess with.”_

He couldn't retort anything to that. Surely because the threat was so obvious, it petrified him instantly. The psychiatrist gave him one last pat on his back, and walked away with a sneer, as if he had just played a joke on him.

But Jiwon could tell. It hadn’t been a joke.

Through the small window, he glanced at Chanwoo, hooked up to his machines. He gripped the edge of his lab coat between his trembling fingers.


	14. hanbin ─ There's no more tomorrow without you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo
> 
> first of all i'm so sorry i haven't updated in so long. i've had to deal with some health issues and couldn't find the motivation to write hiraeth for a while ;; but if you're still here, thank you so much for sticking with me ! i'll try to keep up.
> 
> hugs,  
> snow

“ _Jiwon.”_

Hanbin called out to Jiwon, frowning. He got no answer. They were seated at a table next to a window, in a small restaurant near the hospital. It was right after one o'clock. He had been the one to arrange for them to get their lunch break at the same time, and for them to eat outside. In his thin jacket’s side pocket, his obsolete phone buzzed loudly. He ignored it.

“ _Hey, Jiwon.”_

Calling his name once more, he put his hand on the brunette's. The latter, surprised by the sudden touch, abruptly lifted his gaze from his glass and jumped. He seemed to have just woken up from a bad dream, like he couldn’t tell where he was. Ever since he'd picked him up at the end of his shift, his mind had seemed to be somewhere else altogether. Like so many times before.

“ _Are you okay ?”_

He saw his pupils slightly tremble, and his jaw clench. He saw him blink several times, as if he was trying to keep himself from crying. Overwhelmed by worry, Hanbin leaned over to him and squeezed his freezing hand in his.

“ _Jiwon, what's wrong ?”_

It took a few seconds for his friend to inhale feverishly, one shiny tear hanging dangerously on the edge of his eyelashes, and to slowly open his mouth to try and answer his question.

Suddenly the bell above the entrance door rang, and two familiar figures entered the restaurant.

“ _Surprise !”_ shouted one of the newcomers.

Jiwon abruptly stopped, then almost mechanically, turned to identify the source of the noise. Jinhwan and Junhoe stood there, one all smiles, the other utterly puzzled. Seeing the brunette’s pale face decompose, Hanbin felt a lump form in his throat.

He and Jinhwan had organized this surprise lunch hoping that the two best friends could ease the tensions between them. Maybe talk about their problems, or maybe not. Maybe just spend some time together. Even if it was fairly simple, it was enough. However, when they sat down at their table, his shoulders slouched imperceptibly.

Maybe it hadn't been a good idea after all.

Junhoe didn't look much more comfortable than he did. Hanbin knew perfectly well that he profoundly and truly hated him. This impromptu meal had also been supposed to help him look good in his eyes. He had just hoped that the big guy would end up liking him, after some time. And judging by the glares he was casting his way, it wasn’t quite going as planned.

To fill the heavy silence, Jinhwan began to chat gently. Saying anything and everything that came to mind, commenting on the different choices available on the menu. Trying to distract Junhoe from his intense glaring. The waiter came up to them to take their orders. Their blond senior took care of everything, and the employee left. A group of young high school boys came into the restaurant, making a ton of noise.

Out of the corner of his eye, Hanbin saw Jiwon bring his hands to his ears. Worried, he wanted to ask him what was wrong. He was as white as a sheet. All the usual warm red tones of his face had faded. And then suddenly he stood up, his hands slammed on the table. His chair screeched horribly on the tiled floor. He leaned there for a second, staggering. Jinhwan and Junhoe stopped chatting, and turned in his direction as well.

“ _Jiwon...”_

Hanbin tried once again to make contact. But before he could reach out to him, Jiwon turned, and without taking neither his bag nor his coat, he fled with his head down. He got up immediately to chase after him. To catch him, to prevent him from leaving. Or to run away with him, if he wanted to. But suddenly Junhoe grabbed him by the arm, and with a single glance, he had him sit back down. Incredulous, the chestnut wanted to object, at least until the tall dark-haired started chasing his best friend in his stead.

He and Jinhwan waited forty-five minutes. They could see them through the window. The two best friends were seated against one of the walls of the restaurant. Jiwon was talking and talking, a cigarette stuck between two of his purple trembling fingers. He stopped to inhale some of the lethal smoke, and exhaled it in the freezing air, closing his eyes. He let a few tears fall through his lashes, then he went back to talking.

Hanbin would have liked to know how to read lips. He wanted Jiwon to open up to him, rather than to Junhoe. After all this time spent worrying about him, trying to show him that he was there for him, not bringing up the subject for fear of scaring him away. Maybe he should have just pushed him to speak, after all.

When they returned from their chat, Jiwon reeked of cold tobacco and pain. The red eyelids, the bluish lips, the purplish, trembling hands. He had regained his horrible colors. The ones that hurt him.

Hanbin slowly looked down at his full plate. Everything was cold now.

Jinhwan and Junhoe left them soon after, because their lunch break was coming to an end. They walked slowly back to the hospital, dragging their feet all the way. The two of them weren't exactly in the right state of mind to go back to work as if nothing had happened.

Hanbin stood motionless next to Jiwon for a moment, in front of the palliative care department’s entrance. He stood still, wondering what he had said to Junhoe. Wondering why he was even wondering.

“ _You need to talk to me, Jiwon.”_

The aforementioned, suddenly pulled out of his thoughts, turned to him. He seemed taken aback. The chestnut exhaled slowly, a little feverishly, while trying to keep calm.

“ _I don’t understand what it is that’s making you suffer, and it drives me insane.”_

A second later, the brunette's face twitched in pain, and he stepped over the distance between them. Between his icy, purplish palms, he grabbed one of his hands and squeezed it weakly. When feeling his freezing skin, the youngest felt a few tears involuntarily escape his eyelids.

He didn't understand why he was the one crying. Because Jiwon had preferred to talk to Junhoe, rather than him ? Because he had no idea what they had been talking about ? Because he felt left out ? Or because he was terribly worried about him ? 

“ _Don't cry, Hanbin. I'll tell you everything, I promise. I won’t ever hide anything from you ever again. Don't cry, I'm begging you.”_

He lowered his head. The older one used his sweater’s soft sleeve to wipe the tears off his wet cheeks.

The rest of the day went by smoothly. For Hanbin nothing changed, the internship wasn’t causing any particular concern to him. He had only one wish, and that was for the sun to set quick. So he could go back to Jiwon, so that they could finally calmly discuss what was bothering him.

Like every evening, they met in the hall. And like every night, the brunette looked like a broken puppet. It was as if he had forgotten how to exist. They went back home in silence, without exchanging a single word. Surely to save what little energy they had left ; save it for the intense conversation they were about to have.

When they arrived at Jiwon's home, his mother and Jiyeon greeted them. Even though they would have preferred to skip the meal and go straight to business, they forced themselves to stay downstairs and spend an hour with the girls to have dinner. Seemingly feeling guilty for having sent him home, their mother gave him special attention. He felt like he was part of the family.

Then they finally climbed upstairs, in a heavy silence. As soon as he got into his room, Jiwon took his clothes off one piece at a time. Hanbin, a little surprised, closed and locked the door immediately. Standing still like a creep, he watched him undress in the dark. He observed every muscle of his back swell under his swarthy skin, creating shadows and soft creases, as he struggled to get his head out of his turtleneck sweater. His silky hair stood still on his head, then slowly fell, defying the law of gravity. He watched his forearms and shoulders tighten, as he untied his leather belt buckle. His large hands pushed his torn blue jeans all the way down to his ankles.

In his flashy red briefs, he took a few steps towards his bed, then let himself fall heavily between the sheets. Hanbin swallowed taking in his exhausted figure, stretched out on his stomach in the folds of the immaculate fabric. He knew at that moment that it was a sight he wouldn’t easily forget.

Jiwon gently patted the mattress with his hand. He didn't even have to open his mouth.

A minute later Hanbin was lying alongside him, naked skin against naked skin. Big spooning him, cheek pressed against his shoulder, the chestnut lightly traced all the defined muscles he had seen before with his fingertips.

He felt the brunette inhale under his chest, then exhale. With his sigh, and probably unwittingly, he let out a low whimper. Hanbin hugged him a little tighter.

Jiwon, in short gasps of breath and sounding like he was holding back a few tears, explained everything to him. Starting with his abominable first days in his new service, to the awful things he saw every day by each dying patients’ side, to his insensitive coworkers’ execrable behavior. To the terrifying fact that, in this hostile environment, there wasn’t even a single person on his side.

Hanbin felt his skin burn against his lips, his heart racing in his arms. Without thinking about it, he placed a soft kiss on his nape.

That evening Jiwon cried himself to sleep ; in the middle of one of his sentences, his voice gradually died down, then his irritated eyes closed. 

The next morning, they didn't bother getting up. The brunette was not in good shape, and he absolutely didn’t want to force him to get up and rush him. If he needed some rest, some time to get back on his feet, there was no problem.

He could have let him sleep and went on his own. He knew full well that this time Minho wouldn't be there to make up some excuses for them. It surely would have been better for him to maintain his perfect attendance. He had always been the good student. No, the best student. From kindergarten to university. The top of his class, then the school’s valedictorian. The guy who had managed to get that once-unattainable scholarship.

But in the end all he could wonder was ; would it kill him to skip this morning ? To turn his back on that shitty hospital and its shitty employees just for a few hours ? Staying away from this corrupt place could only do them good. 

So yes, he could have left, but he didn't. Any trouble he could potentially get himself into were of little importance, compared to Jiwon's suffering. He took a decision with less difficulty than he’d expected. He remained glued to the older one’s back, spooning him carefully, trying to communicate how little human warmth his body had, trying to give him even a tiny bit of support.

They woke up for lunch. It was barely eleven a.m. They ate on the sofa what snacks they had found in the kitchen cupboards, still in underpants, both wrapped up in a heavy, thick gray plaid. They kept talking, whether their mouths were full of food or not.

Dragging their fleece blankets behind them, they climbed back upstairs. They rushed into the bathroom, took off their underwear, then jumped into the shower. Here, behind the glass walls, they silently exchanged short and soft kisses, eyelids closed, faces struck with multiple warm droplets of water.

At the end of this exchange – far too short for their taste, they dried off while bickering, then tried to get dressed. Amidst too many sensual caresses and a multitude of completely uninhibited sneaky glances, they finally managed to put on their clothes. Then, side by side on the sidewalk, they went to the hospital quietly. Like two teenagers, they brushed against each other’s hand innocently as they walked, glanced discreetly at each other, and were extremely carefully walking at the same speed.

They arrived far too early. In the main hall, they mulled over how they were going to occupy the hour they had until work started. Hanbin was about to suggest something, when a voice unknown to him loudly called out to Jiwon.

“ _Jiwon ! You traitor !”_

Suddenly an arm went over the brunette's shoulders. The latter bent under the newcomer’s weight on his neck, and surprised and confused, he let himself be manhandled abruptly. In an uncontrolled reflex, Hanbin grabbed the screaming stranger's shoulder with one hand, and pushed him away forcefully. With the other, he pulled Jiwon close to him.

There was a short moment of silence. He looked the guy up and down. With his bleached, blinding platinum blonde hair, piercing eyes, and countless piercings, similar to his friend's. What impressed him the most, however, was the enormous khaki bomber jacket he wore, three times bigger than him. Maybe, like ripped pants, it was fashion he didn't understand.

“ _Bin, it's Donghyuk_ ,” Jiwon stopped him. “ _You met him before at a few parties, remember ?”_

No, he didn't remember. His name indeed rang a bell, but his face, he had totally forgotten. Or maybe he’d never really paid any attention to it in the first place. He awkwardly apologized. With all that was happening to them, he was obviously a little on edge.

Donghyuk, that was the guy who was on Jiwon’s phone background, along with Junhoe. One of his closest friends, and they had known each other for a long time.

“ _Holy fuck, you remember I exist ?”_ the blonde guy snapped sarcastically at Jiwon.

A little bitter, he approached and with a well-directed blow, he sent his outstretched hand straight into the brunette's stomach, which immediately tensed in pain.

“ _You promised you’d come see me, did you forget ? You don’t even reply to the group chat anymore. I literally have to stalk you to know how you’re doing.”_

Jiwon couldn't help but laugh. In turn he hugged his friend's shoulders, and gently shook him.

“ _Sorry, sorry. You're right, I was wrong. I should’ve replied.”_

They eventually made their way to the hospital’s coffee machine, and the three of them had a hot drink. The two friends were talking about things Hanbin didn’t understand. They recalled past anecdotes, experiences they had went through together, mentioned names and events that completely went over his head. In those moments he always felt like he was facing a Jiwon he didn't recognize, of whom he didn't know anything. He felt like he wasn’t with the same person… or that he’d been sent all the way back to square one. It was terrifying.

And in such moments, the elder almost completely ignored his existence. Or maybe it was the stark difference between how much attention he paid to him when they were alone, and his current detached demeanor, that unsettled him so much. He was used to Jiwon watching him, taking care of him all the time. Being preoccupied with the slightest of his reactions, looking at him as if he was the center of his big wide world, as if he was the one around who his whole life revolved, as if he was the Earth to his lunar existence. Hanbin swallowed, his gaze riveted on him.

This lump in his throat, this irrepressible desire for him to turn away from the other and to look only at him. That same feeling he had felt a few times before ; at Jisoo's birthday party, at the surprise lunch with Jinhwan and Junhoe. He knew exactly what it was now. It was jealousy. 

He’d never had the luxury of being jealous of anyone in the past. He just had no energy to waste, lusting after things that would never be his. He had never been envious of the other children's cute clothes, nor their intricate toys, nor the colorful lunch boxes their parents always prepared for them.

But Jiwon belonged to him. Jiwon was in love with him. Not with Jisoo, not with Junhoe, not with Donghyuk ; with him. 

Who would have guessed, two months ago, that they would become that way ? He could never have even imagined something like this. If he’d been told he’d wind up hanging out with his major’s most popular student and would end up eating his face like a horndog in one of the storage rooms, he probably would’ve imploded right on the spot. 

Donghyuk ended up leaving. He also had his internship to take, and he needed some time to get back to his own hospital. He made his friend promise to reply fast to his texts, and he slipped away without further complaints.

In the afternoon, in the surgical department, the chestnut attended two simple operations, during which he remained completely silent. The surgeon in charge of his training didn’t ask him any questions regarding his absence in the morning. It was almost as if he hadn't even noticed.

He let him go home at five p.m. Hanbin thought he was going to have to spend an hour in the hall, waiting for Jiwon... but when he left his service, it was the brunette, who was waiting for him. He was curled up in a corner. He immediately rushed to his side.

“ _You’re already done with work ?”_ he asked, worried.

It wasn't usual. Normally, his colleagues forced him to stay as late as possible, and made him do as much work as possible. Jiwon stood up and briefly smacked the dust off his pants, looking haggard.

“ _I didn't go.”_

Hanbin got closer and rested his hand on his torso, taken aback. He pinched his lips, and his eyes began to burn. It was killing him to see Jiwon in such a state. So distressed at the thought of having to confront the other employees, that he no longer even had the courage to walk through the palliative care’s entrance door.

 _“It's fine_ ,” Hanbin reassured him, stroking his hair. “ _It’s fine.”_

The brunette closed his eyelids and nodded. They stood there a few minutes, each immersed in their own thoughts.

Hanbin noticed that the older man was clutching his phone in his hand, so hard that he ended up pressing a button, and the screen lit up. He took in Donghyuk's smiley face on the wallpaper, and he remembered an idea he’d come up with earlier.

“ _Come with me.”_

With that, he dragged Jiwon behind him. He looked around to find a place where they could be alone, where there was enough light. He guided him to the archives room, turned on the light, and locked them both inside. Then he forced Jiwon to sit on the iron cabinet to the door’s left, and he awkwardly settled himself next to him.

“ _I want to take pictures.”_

The elder's tense features suddenly relaxed. Recovering his confident look and his warm colors, he couldn’t help but smile.

“ _What, is the real deal not enough ? You want a 2D version as well ?”_

Hanbin gently pushed with his elbow to make him shut up. The furniture they were sitting on creaked loudly. Jiwon chuckled gently, then unlocked his phone. Skillful and obviously used to it, he pulled his arm away and cocked his head, ready to take a couple of selfies.

They played like idiots for an hour. Took dozens of photos with every filter available, one after the other. Taking strange poses and putting on weird expressions, from all possible angles, laughing like dying seals. They weren’t even trying seriously to be handsome. It just didn’t matter.

In the majority of the photos, Hanbin’s mouth was wide open, his hair was a mess, his gaze was glued to Jiwon, and he was laughing their ears off. But the brunette was incredibly photogenic. Even while moving and laughing. He loved them all, those stupid photos. Even the ones where he thought he looked mildly ugly. He wanted to spend all his personal savings to have them printed out, and put them up all over his room.

Jiwon scrolled through several, then finally chose one he liked best. It didn’t take long for his wallpaper with Junhoe and Donghyuk to be replaced. Hanbin felt a familiar feeling of satisfaction swell his lungs. Had the older one always been so adorable ? If so, how had he been blind enough not to notice it sooner ? 

Without thinking too much, he leaned down and briefly kissed the corner of his mouth. The other boy, surprised, froze instantly. He could feel his heart beat in his head. His friend’s overwhelming presence suffocated all the other existences around him. The world could’ve stopped spinning any time. The sun could’ve stopped shining, the moon could’ve stopped in its orbit. He wouldn't even have noticed.

A second later, Jiwon melted on his lips. They hadn't been able to hold back long. Maybe it was because they had stored up a lot of frustration that they couldn't stop themselves from pouncing on each other all the time. It was probably because they were young, and reckless.

Hanbin, as always, felt like he was suffocating. He couldn't breathe properly, but he couldn't stop either. His heart raced, his legs went numb, his hands sought contact with the brunette. He closed and then opened his eyes, brows furrowed, focused on the older’s large and rough hands, sliding down his chest, making their way under his clothes.

He felt him slip a hand between his thighs, and suddenly pull him closer to him. He gasped as Jiwon’s fingers lingered on the half-hard bump under his pants.

“ _Jiwon_ …” he whispered, pushing him away a little, hand on his shoulder.

They were still in the hospital. And even though they had used the storage rooms many times for their indecent meetings, they had never gone farther than just kissing.

Hanbin had always been convinced that he wouldn’t be able to get into it, in a public place. That it was way too weird for his innocent boy tastes. That there was no way they could exceed that limit. And yet, when Jiwon got off the dresser, knelt between his legs, and untied his belt buckle… all his previous apprehensions suddenly faded away. Maybe he wasn’t such an innocent boy after all.

His legs began to tremble in anticipation. His breath hitched in his throat. The brunette grasped his hips, pulled him closer, unbuttoned his jeans. Then he slid them down his ass, just enough to reveal his underpants, and his now painfully tensed cock.

The chestnut swallowed, hands gripping the edges of the piece of furniture he was leaning on. When Jiwon pressed his lips against the painful bulge, he unconsciously threw his head back, and his tremors doubled in intensity. If even that much drove him nuts, he wasn't sure he could survive what was to follow.

The older one teased him for a few seconds, breathing hot air against his skin, dragging in lips on the fabric, which made him shudder. After a moment, he saw him slip his fingers under his waistband, then pull the garment down. He swallowed hard, short of breath. He couldn't take his eyes off him.

Jiwon gripped his cock at its base, and gave it one slow rough stroke. Hanbin jumped, his hips twitching uncontrollably, and he let out a muffled growl. Then the brunette briefly ran his tongue over his lips.

His eyelids closed on their own when he felt his lips press directly against his dick. Then they parted to take him inside a little. He unconsciously let go of the cabinet with one hand, and gripped a handful of the older's dark locks between his fingers. As if he had interpreted this as a signal, the latter welcomed him deeper in his throat.

Jiwon let out a low muffled growl, the vibrations in his throat making him even weaker. He could feel it tightening around his cock. It was certainly unpleasant, maybe even painful for him. But he, was over the moon. It felt so good that he couldn't even think straight. His thoughts were occupied with only one thing ; the pleasure Jiwon's wet mouth was giving him. 

He opened his eyes, vision clouded with lust, and vaguely discerned Jiwon's reddened features. He felt him swallow, hold back a gag, then exhilaratingly slowly, he pulled back to let the cock glistening with saliva slide out of his mouth. His scarlet lips parted with his sensitive skin in an obscene wet sound. He took a minute to come to his senses, his face tainted crimson. The veins in his neck, all swollen with blood, pulsed strongly under his skin. His eyelashes, wet with tears, were sticking together and sparkling under the lights.

Hanbin shivered as he felt the cold air on his lower half. And as he only desired one thing, which was feeling the moist and warm oral cavity, and the intense pleasure that came with it again… he pushed weakly on Jiwon's head, in a shy, mute plea. 

The older man, feeling the pressure, raised his dark irises up to him. Then a satisfied smirk stretched his soiled lips, and he complied.

Hanbin felt he would be physically unable to hold out for long. Obviously for lack of sexual experience, surely because it was his first time getting a blowjob.

He was defiling Jiwon. He was certainly the first to see him this way. Kneeling at his feet, nose pushed against his stomach, a cock shoved down his tight throat. His scarlet face, wet with tears, the corners of his stretched lips dripping with saliva and other unspeakable things. Even in this situation, he was drop dead gorgeous. In fact, he had never been as beautiful as he was now.

The room echoed with indescribable sucking noises, hoarse moans and loud gasps. After a moment, Hanbin's hips started spasming, and his eyelids fluttered. He felt it coming.

He pulled Jiwon’s hair to tilt his head back, get him to stop sucking, and pressed his dick against his swollen lips. A second later, he closed his eyes completely, and a husky moan escaped from between his clenched teeth.

Legs weak, out of breath, he remained like that for a moment, motionless. Reveling in the last moments of this short-lived ecstasy, waiting for it to die down. Gradually, his fingers released the hair they were gripping. When he opened his eyelids, Jiwon was wiping the cum off his face, looking exhausted but satisfied. Then he cleaned him up, put his underwear and pants up, and zipped up his pants. Like nothing had ever happened.

Suddenly realizing what he’d just been like, and awfully embarrassed, the chestnut hid his face behind his hands and let himself slide to the floor. Sitting on the cold tiles, he heard Jiwon giggle.

“ _We should go, it’s late,”_ he whispered, his voice raw.

Hanbin nodded. The elder straightened up, rubbed his knees to remove the suspicious marks, and held out his arm to help him up. The youngest grabbed it with one hand, leaning on the ground with the other to stand up on his legs.

But when his fingers brushed against something, he stopped. He turned around to check what it was, wondering if one of their belongings had fallen to the ground. Under his fingers were several trampled documents. Thinking they must have dropped them, he picked up the few files under the dresser.

When he straightened up, a small photo escaped from one of the plastic sleeves. On the steel surface of the cabinet, Hanbin immediately recognized the same reddish marks he had discovered on Mihi's thighs a few weeks earlier. The exaltation of their previous frolicking was put out instantly.

“ _What the fuck is this...”_

Jiwon gave him a puzzled look. Without waiting, they opened the files. They contained countless information sheets on certain patients, strange reports, records of injections of illicit substances and illegal samples. The abhorrent pictures, the weird symbols drawn in the margins, the unusual symptoms and suspicious causes of death were more than enough to raise serious doubt. Suddenly the brunette laid down on the ground, and looked under the cabinet. Taped below the iron compartment, he found a dozen other files.

They looked at each other for a moment, silent. They didn't need to talk it out to understand each other. They both knew what that meant. They could no longer feign ignorance. They were a part of it, now. They couldn't do nothing anymore.

Jiwon grabbed the documents and stuffed them into his bag. There was no turning back.

They stormed out of the archives room. In the hall, Junhoe saw them and called out to them, but they ignored him and escaped with the papers. Either way, it was best not to involve anyone else in this scary matter.

They were sitting on the bed, surrounded by all the documents. Jiwon held the old worn-out notebook Minho had entrusted to him in his hands. The symbols, the dates, everything matched. This notebook wasn’t just the scribblings of a madman : it was a register. Each coded number corresponded to a patient. There were so many. Some pages had been written so long ago that the black ink had almost faded with wear and tear.

What was going on in this hospital had been going on for a long time. Those who controlled this scheme passed the torch to younger generations, and it had lasted for years.

Maybe by then they had already fully understood what was going on. You didn't have to be a genius to figure out there was something completely wrong happening. But probably for fear of saying it out loud and making it real, or surely even believing it, they could not bring themselves to speak about it directly.

They spent a terrible night, checking all the records, matching each patient to a number and symbols. On the concrete walls of Jiwon's once immaculate bedroom, they had taped the photos, documents, and written down all the important things in black marker. Because if they wanted to succeed in understanding what was happening, and doing something about it, they absolutely couldn’t forget anything. They each wrote down their own weird experiences with the hospital, just so they could have a trace of it if something happened.

The sun rose without them having closed their eyes for a second. After a while, they had decided to stop looking, because they were just two ignorant young adults and this story was going to drive them nuts, if they dived too much into it. However, they still hadn't managed to get some sleep.

They went to the hospital. On the way they trying to discuss something else. It wasn't easy. When they were almost there, Jiwon remembered something, and asked Hanbin to stop at a cafe. There he ordered a dozen hot drinks. Confused, the chestnut asked him what he was going to do with it. The elder replied that it was for coworkers, and assured him that there was no reason to worry.

Exhausted and devoid of energy, they came in the suffocating entrance hall. They were on the verge of going their separate ways, until they stopped in their tracks. All gathered in a corner, there was a gathering of doctors in white lab coats, and they were talking loudly.

In the middle of the crowd, chatting and responding to the cheers, stood Jinwoo. By catching snippets of the various conversations, Hanbin heard the reason for the cheering.

“ _Congratulations on your promotion, Jinwoo ! Do I have to call you boss, now that you’re the chief medical officer ?”_

There was a deafening wave of laughter.

A promotion ? All of a sudden ? Without prior announcement ? For such a young doctor ? And what had become of the former chief ? It just didn't make sense. 

“ _You’ve gotta be fucking joking.”_

Hanbin turned to Jiwon, who had just mumbled between his teeth. He just watched him, not knowing what to say. He was far from laughing like the others. Jaw clenched, his dark pupils frozen on his former mentor’s calm features, he looked particularly tense. Of course, this promotion wasn’t a good sign. Jinwoo had just gained a little more power. A bit too much, as a matter of fact.

And when the psychiatrist noticed Jiwon, through the crowd, his face twisted into a friendly smile. Or a creepy one, actually. Because his mouth was smiling, yes, but his eyes were void of everything. Devoid of joy, of life... of humanity, even.

He saw Jiwon swallow, his face wincing and turning livid.

Jinwoo obviously knew about them. They had poked their noses into his stuff, and they weren’t safe anymore.


End file.
